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Self Doubt

This is me. Red-faced and sweaty after a session with my personal trainer.  Today was a good day at the gym.  I overcame some stuff.  Mostly, self doubt.

When I first joined the gym, I was so nervous about being an obese person in the gym that I actually emailed the director before going to the gym, to see how they'd act towards me.  I knew I found the right place when the director emailed me back immediately, and reassured me that this gym would be as much my gym as anyone else's gym.  He wanted me to feel welcome there, no matter what shape I was in.

The day my husband and I toured the gym, I was so anxious I nearly vomited.  I had that feeling about the gym every single time I went.  It was so bad that I stopped working with my original trainer, and stopped going to the gym all-together.  I was too afraid to challenge myself, and definitely too afraid to fail.

I was one of those girls who LOATHED gym class in high school.  I hated it so much that my junior year I had to take gym twice a day, because I skipped it so much, I flunked it.  Yes, you can fail gym class.  Anyhow, I was always so scared to try things that I knew I couldn't do, like doing flips on the uneven parallel bars, which I know for a fact I couldn't do because I couldn't lift my own body weight.  And I couldn't run around the entire track. And I couldn't shoot hoops to save my fucking life.  It was awful, and embarrassing and I got made fun of a lot for it.  

So, when I'm in the gym now, and I'm asked to try something new, I panic.  Like the day my trainer asked me to do the box jumps. My head said no fat girl, you cannot do those. and my body said no fat girl, you cannot do those.  And when I told my trainer "I cannot do this", before I even tried, she said YES YOU CAN. I tried. And I did it.

Today, she had me on this ab bench. The bench locks in your feet and has you laying backwards at a very odd angle. I locked my feet in and the bench was wobbly. She told me it was, and assured me I wouldn't fall. I didn't feel secure on that bench at all. The old me, the fat me SCREAMED at me GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION! She saw I was panicking and helped me lay back on the bench. And low and behold, I did sit ups on this machine. Not crunches. But actual raise up your entire body and do a real adult grown up sit up. I DID THAT. And dammit, I was proud of myself. I really was, and my trainer was too. She tells everyone in the gym that I'm kicking ass and doing well and that feels good coming from her.

She told me that she thinks my mind is still not used to my new body, and she is right. It's not. I still feel 368 pounds. I still feel like that girl.  I still see that girl in the mirror. I still see that girl at the gym. I still feel like I'm just going to fail at whatever I try, no matter what. And enough is enough. I've got to learn that it's OK to take a risk. So what if I do fail at something? Who cares? At least I can say I tried, right?

Another thing I'm scared to try again is jogging, and the elliptical.  Right after I first started the gym, I said ok, we're going to try the elliptical today. I barely lasted 5 minutes on it. It was HARD. Really hard. And even though that was 2 years and 145 pounds ago, I still freak out. I want to try the elliptical SO BAD, so the next time I'm there I really need to just suck this up and do it. Stop being such a punk and do it.  And then there is running. I tried Couch to 5K last fall when I was prepping for my 5K. I was awful at it. I would barely jog for less than a minute and my lungs would scream from being so taxed. When we did the 5K, I tried to run a bit, but the problem I had was my fat. It cheered for me! My fat clapped as I ran and that was just so discouraging. So, I stopped trying.

My husband and I were out for a walk Saturday and I really wanted to try running. But, I need compression garments first. I've got way too much loose skin and flab that bounces and slaps when I jump so I know when I run it'll do the same.

Sigh. Fat girl problems.

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