Sometimes I'll remember something from a past event, and it just hurts.  Like this one time with an ex-boyfriend.  He sat next to me, picking my body apart.  Telling me arms are disgusting and I should be embarrassed by the size of my belly.  He would stuff his face with cheeseburgers and ice cream and yell at me if I dared to touch a potato chip.  He'd make me feel small and worthless.  He would tell me that I should lose weight, but not too fast because if I have excess skin I would gross him out too much.  But, when the weight didn't come off fast enough, he would berate me and pick at me even more.  And I stayed with this piece of shit for almost a year!!  To make it even worse, this "man" conned me out of my life savings, so not only did he take my safety cushion, he took my pride, he took my trust and he took even more of the very little self esteem I had left.

I hate memories like this.  The gnaw away at your brain.  But memories like this solidify WHY I want my sleeve surgery.  I want to show the entire world they didn't win.  I'm an awesome bitch.  I'm so loving, and kind to the right people.  I want to be the hot piece of ass that my husband deserves.  I want to be the active mom than my son deserves.  I want to be the kick ass person that I deserve!


I am surprised my last post was so coherent.  Monday is mostly a blur to me.  Whatever meds they used to knock me out before surgery really knocked me out.  I don't remember getting dressed after my procedure.  I remember sitting in the wheelchair to be wheeled out, but don't remember the ride down.  I don't remember the ride home at all.  And apparently I sat in Walgreens texting my girlfriends and I was the laugh of the day, based on my texts haha!  Wow.  I remember coming home and crawling into bed, and sleeping for three hours.  I don't know if it was not having caffeine for two days, or if it was a side effect of the meds I was given, but yesterday I had a migraine from HELL.  I woke up with a headache and in hindsight, should of taken two days off of work instead of one.  I had to meet with my nutritionist after work as well, so there wasn't a point in leaving work early.  You can tell when I don't feel well.  I'm quiet when I don't feel well.  And yesterday was just one of those days.  But the time I got out of work, saw my NUT and got home, I was too nauseous to eat my dinner.  I put on my jammies and slept on the couch.  I wasn't even on Facebook last night, which if you know me is shocking, since I'm a Facebook addict.  I was in bed by 9:30 as well.  Never happens.  This AM, I'm a bit better.  Still have a residual headache but NOTHING like the hell that was last night.  

My NUT appointment was great.  We discussed protein first and she was just awesome.  I'm not a fan of dairy.  I don't like milk, cheese, sour cream, cottage cheese, yogurt...none of it.  She was awesome.  She's like listen, we'll find another way to get you calcium.  I don't want you eating something you don't like because you need it...that's going to turn you off of good foods.  Also, we discussed my sweet tooth.  Listen, this is legit...if you put a brick of chocolate in front of me, I'll eat it.  I'll eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I'm not one of those people who gets a stomach ache from eating a lot of chocolate.  I WISH I was.  I wish to hell I got sick from sweets.  But I don't.  I also have to break my Diet Coke addiction.  My biggest concern is not that I'll miss it.  My biggest concern is the caffeine withdrawal headaches.  I have heard a lot about Click and Chike protein coffees so I'm going to try one of those and see if they're any good.  

My endoscopy

Boy oh boy - I was SO nervous and anxious going into this morning, and I have to tell you, the endoscopy was NOTHING!  I've had a lot of bad surgical experiences.  When I was 5, I was having an eye problem corrected.  The Dr. PROMISED me no eye patch after surgery.  And what did I wake up with?  Yep.  An eye patch.  Also, the anesthesia made me sicker than a dog.  When I was in 4th grade, I was hospitalized with pneumonia and bronchitis.  Not a good time either.  My c-section was the worst.  I developed an infection in the hospital, but my OB/GYN was much to lazy to come to the hospital to discharge me.  She discharged me over the telephone.  4 days after discharge, I was in the ER with chest pain, shortness of breath, and severe pain and fever.  I had some potassium and a blood transfusion.  A week later, my incision opened.  After another week in the hospital (and another week away from my baby, who did I mention - was in the NICU?), I never wanted to set foot into the hospital ever again.  I had my tonsils out a few years ago and it wasn't awful, but the recovery was rough and painful.  So my anxiety level today was off the chain.

They called me back and I got into my gown.  Of course, the lady gave me a gown about 20 sizes too small, so of course it didn't close in the back.  But I had a fabulous nurse who came and got me a bigger gown, bless her.  The medical field needs more people like her - who make larger people feel comfortable - and treat us with dignity.  I laid on the bed and answered the typical per-surgical questions, while my awesome nurse put in my IV.  After a few moments, I was being wheeled into the procedure room.  They put on my blood pressure cuff and the pulse-ox thing on my finger and taped two heart monitors to my chest.  I rolled over onto my left side and heard someone tell me they were going to put some medicine to relax me into my IV.  They gave me the plastic thing to bite onto o they don't knick my teeth and that was that.  The very next thing I remember, I woke up in recovery.

I remember NOTHING.  I never felt a thing, which is what I was so scared about.  I remember lying there on the table, and I was watching one of the monitors; the numbers kept getting more and more blury and literally, it felt like I was back there for 30 seconds.  All in all, it took 3 hours from the time I checked in at admissions to the time I was wheeled out.  And I'm glad I was!  I was looooooopy afterwards.  My husband said I kept saying things that made no sense or kept repeating myself haha.  I don't even remember having my IV taken out, or getting dressed afterwards.  

I did speak to the Dr. quickly.  No hernia...yay!  I do have some inflammation which is related to acid reflux, and they gave me a script for that, but all in all it went well!  I just have to knock off the spicy food, which is going to be very very difficult for me, because dammit, the hotter the better!  But, I'll embrace it as a part of my new lifestyle change!

I'm Changed...for the better

Totally random, but in case you haven't figured out yet, based on my blog header and the title of this post, I'm a HUGE Rascal Flatts fan.  Like...huge.  

Anywho...had my psych eval the other day which went great.  It was short and sweet and to the point.  Today, I had a pre-op exercise class.  It was awesome, went over what I'll be able to physically do and when I'll be able to do it.  I'm so excited.  Also, we went over the liver reduction diet and the place where I went today sells the shakes and the sugar free syrups and such as.  I learned a ton of new exercises today, where I either don't need equipment or all I need is the stretchy resistance bands.  It was a very productive Saturday and as always, I'm one step closer to my surgery and that much more confident that I've made the right decision. 

I did have a discussion with the personal trainer today about setting goals, and I do actually have two I'd like to share.

1. I'd love to be able to shop in the normal size section in a clothing store.  I hate the plus section.  It makes me feel so unattractive, unsexy and just gross.
2.  I really want to be able to run.  I want to do a 5K.  This WILL happen!


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