It's going....

Lately, I've been feeling pretty meh about my weight loss.  I've lost and re-gained the same 5 pounds over...and over...and over again.  This happens ALL.OF.THE.DAMN.TIME. It's so frustrating and it just makes me want to SCREAM!  But, instead, I kick it a little harder at the gym, and eat a little bit more or less, depending on my exercise, and it works itself out.

As of this AM, I've lost 125.8 pounds.  I'm happy with that.  To get to goal, I've got like another 80 to go.  Which means I'm well over halfway there.  But it still seems to far away.  I'd LOVE to be under 200 when I hit my 1 year surgiversary, but who knows.

Here is how my measurements compare from May 3rd, which was 2 weeks pre-op, to now.


I have lost the following inches:
3.5" in my neck
1" off of each wrist
2.75" off of each forearm
2.75" off of each elbow
4" off of each bicep
12.5" off of my waist
10.5" off of my hips
10.75" off of my chest (around the band of my bra)
10.25" off of the fullest part of my chest
7.25" off of each thigh
4.5" off of each calf
2.5" off of each ankle

This amounts to an ass load of inches.  97 inches overall.  That is over 8 feet.  Now look at that photo and tell me if you can tell I've lost 8 feet.  Nope, me neither.  God dammit that sucks balls so hard!!!

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WTF.Ever

So today, I am just annoyed and bitchy.

I'm so sick of all these people on the Facebook VSG groups and weight loss boards who are all "oh my god, I just cheated on my pre-op diet....this is so hard."  And then the comments "oh girl, it's ok, if you cheat just cheat small".  Or "surgery is two weeks away, don't stress out about it."  

How about this?  Don't cheat.  It's hard.  That's why you're having surgery.  Because you suck at following diets.  Don't cheat.  Why?  Because if your surgeon opens you up and your liver isn't shrunk, guess what happens?  Is it totally wrong of me to just wish one of these women would get open and not have their sleeve done?  Because I think that would be hilarious.  Told you I'm a bitch today.

Also.  Today I saw my father and step-mother for the first time in well over a year.  Since that time, I have lost over 120 pounds.  Neither one of them noticed.  Actually, my dad was shocked when I mentioned that I swim 3 days a week and hit the gym the other 3 days.  And still.  So now, I've come to the conclusion that those fat thoughts in my head are real.  You really CAN'T tell I've lost weight.  My husband thinks I'm full of crap.  But the truth is, the only people who notice are those who know I've had surgery.  So of course they're being polite.  Ugh it just sucks that even after losing 120 pounds, you cannot tell.  At all.  This leaves me super discouraged.

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Bite this

So this happened today.  Delicious, moist chocolate cupcake, rich buttercream frosting. And ugh what a tummy ache.

Today we had my son's 11th birthday party.  I figured well, instead of ordering a gigantic cake, I'll just get some cupcakes.  I ate most of this bad boy earlier today.  370 calories. That's a fuck ton of time I'll need to spend on the treadmill burning it off.  I'm afraid to weigh myself tomorrow morning, because I know what's going to happen.

Worse than eating this came the disgusted feeling of guilt.  Like, it's ridiculous how guilty I feel over a fucking cupcake.  It's one cupcake.  And I feel horrible that I allowed myself to eat it.  I rarely if ever eat sweets anymore.  The old me would of eaten 6 cupcakes by now, easy peasy.  But I just feel awwwwwful for eating this.  Lesson learned!!

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Lightweights

I belong to several support groups on Facebook, for folks who've had weight loss surgery, and other various support groups online.  There's a term floating around out there for those who weigh less, but have still had weight loss surgery; lightweights.  I know one girl who was a size 16 and had bariatric surgery.  She weight 184 lbs.  Are you fucking kidding me?  She was a SIZE 16, AND 184 POUNDS?  And she needed weight loss surgery?  

I have a major problem with this.  I really do, and I don't mean to sound bitter, but I call bullshit.  I've heard so many lightweights say "I know the same struggles as anyone else." No.  No you do not.  You do not know the struggle of carrying 200 extra pounds on your body.  You do not have the same issues buying clothes.  You don't have the same struggle of moving around, or fitting in tight spaces.  You know NOTHING about the struggle of being someone who is classified as "morbidly obese."  I know I sound like such a bitch, but to hear those lightweights complain, I just want to smack them.  Shut up.  You're under 200 pounds.  Do you know how close you are to your goal?  Seriously?  It just frustrates me and certain people have pushed my bitch button today.

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The Dr.

I have ALWAYS hated going to the doctor.  Always.  Every time I'd go to the doctor, it'd be the same exact thing.  You're too fat.  What will you do to lose this weight?  It got to the point where I'd not go for anything.  I could be lying on the floor bleeding and I'd avoid the doctor.

Right after I gave birth to my son I had to go to the ER, because I was having trouble breathing.  I remember the nurse weighed me (in front of my ex-husband) and her scale only went up to 300 pounds.  So she loudly said "honey just how much do you weigh?  My scale won't go any higher."  So yea, that sucked.

I'd go to the doctor for an illness or some reason, and instead of treating me or my problem, they'd discuss my weight.  Like really?  I went to my GYN for a yeast infection and she asked me about my weight.  Listen heifer, give me some fucking cream for my vagina and lay off.  Really.

Sorry, I'm bitter.

Oh!  But not as bitter as the time I saw an ENT for reoccurring strep throat.  The Dr. looked at my tonsils, then at me, and said "wow, you're really porked out, aren't you?"  I didn't even know what to say to that, I was in such shock.

But, it's not so bad, going anymore.  When I went for a check up this morning with my PCP instead of my weight being a negative topic of conversation, it was very positive.  He was super excited by my progress.  Thrilled.  My blood pressure?  It's normal.  My cholesterol is going down.  My fasting blood sugar was awesome.  I've never gone and had everything be on point.  I've never had a doctor smile when he looked at my weight.  So it felt good.  REALLY really good!

I'm a happy girl today :)

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