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Missing Things

During my weight loss journey, there are several things that I have successfully given up.  These are things I've tried and tried like heck before to give up before, but was never able to.  I was too weak to give these things up.  They controlled my life.  They controlled my mind.  They consumed my thoughts, and helped me pile on the pounds.  And yet, I still miss some of these things.  So, here's my list of things I REALLY miss.

1. Pizza.  Thick, doughy pizza, with extra sauce, crispy pepperoni, mushrooms and sauce.
2. Chicken wings.  REAL Buffalo wings y'all.  And I'm sorry, the rest of the country thinks they can make them, but they cannot.  You just can't.
3. Baked potatoes.  I haven't touched a potato in months.  That's a lie.  Since my surgery, I've eaten exactly 4 french fries.  But I make the best baked potatoes (and mashed) ever, so I miss them.
4. Big fat cheeseburgers. BBQ burgers. My BBQ burgers could win an award they're so good. And I miss them.
5. For the locals, eating Costanzo's rolls. The other night, we went to Jim's Steakout. I had a grilled chicken sandwich and it felt like a sin to toss the Costanzo's roll.  I nearly cried.
6. Doughnuts.
7. Bagels.
8. Rice.  Rice and beans. NOLA style.  Yum.
9. Most carbs.
10. McDonald's.  Truly.  It's delicious.  But so so so bad.
11. And more than ANYTHING, I miss Diet Coke.  I crave it constantly, especially since nothing still tastes good to drink to me :(

There's more.  I'm sure there's more.  But that's what I'm missing right now.  Want to know what I don't miss?

1. Constant back pain. It got to the point where even walking through the grocery store was kicking my ass.
2. Chronic migraines. Since my blood pressure has gone down, and since cutting out a majority of the sugar in my diet, I have yet to have a migraine.
3. Feeling tired, all of the damn time.
4. Having a tough time maneuvering or doing certain things.
5. Being out of breath walking up my stairs.
6. Being frustrated that NOTHING in my closet fits.
7. Trying on clothes in a store and leaving in tears because I couldn't find anything that didn't make me look like a stuffed sausage.
8. Feeling SO self conscious - feeling like everyone was starting at the fat person in the room.

And for this week's OH MY GOD HOW AWESOME IS THIS moment...

It's official.

I am FINALLY under 300 pounds.  I cried when I stepped on the scale the other day.  I literally stood there, grinning like a pig eating shit, and just cried.  It was so awesome.  I never thought I'd be under 300 again.  I really didn't.  I just resigned myself to the fact that I'd be this big the rest of my life.  Because really, I had tried so many things, so many diets, so many exercise gimmicks - and I failed at all of them.  But now?  I feel alive y'all.  For the first time in a REALLY long time.  I feel like maybe I can actually make it this time!

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Off My Rocker

Lost 61 lbs...woo woo!  I am very excited to be well on my way to my mini-goal of 75 pounds.  I don't know why, but 75 just sounds like an awesome mini-goal number.  Today bubby and I did swimming, and it was so disappointing.  We were late getting to the pool, because I had to run into the office for a bit.  (Which, was great, because I got to see a few of my friends who I've missed so much).  But anyhow, got to the pool late and encountered all sorts of rude-ass people this morning.  I didn't get my laps in the way I wanted to, and it pissed me off.

Yesterday I went through my closet to see if I had some pants that fit.  I've got the ones in my standard rotation, but they're all too big.  So I've officially gone down a size, and discovered all sorts of goodies in my closet that fit me now.  That made my day!

This morning after swimming, bubby and I took a wee scoot over to Starbucks.  I've been dying for a flippin iced coffee for weeks now, but have held out.  My typical pre-surgery Starbucks order consisted of a Venti Mocha Frap, no whip, whole milk, with an extra shot of espresso.  That turned out to be around 400 calories, 6g of fat, and 80 mother-fucking grams of carbs.  What in the hell?

I knew I wasn't going to be drinking that today.  Nope.  Today I drank a tall iced skinny mocha.  This delicious baby came in at 70 calories, with just 9g of carbs, and 1g of fat.  It was DELICIOUS.  My son ordered a tall mocha frap.  I took one sip and was just disgusted.  It was much too sweet for me.  I've found a new friend in my tall iced coffee!  It was a complete victory for me.

Oh, and in case you were wondering about me being off my rocker?  I signed myself up for a 5K race today.  I don't run.  Hell, I don't even jog.  Or walk super fast.  But I still did it.  I decided to just bite the bullet.  My husband and I are running the race, and my mom and son are doing the 1-mile "fun family walk".  Tomorrow at the gym, I'd better start getting my ass prepared for this!

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Feeling F-I-N-E

It's been a long time coming.  A long time.  In fact, I can't even remember the last time I felt like this.  Felt...good.  And shouldn't we all feel good?  I mean....we get one life.  And we get one body.  We should feel good!!

And to be honest, I feel FAN-FLIPPING-TASTIC.  I do.  My weight loss could be faster.  I could eat more protein.  I can make some improvements.  But compared to two months ago?  I feel like a completely different person.  This person, the one writing this right now, feels like someone else.  

I am someone who LOVES to wake up each morning and go work out.  Whether it's a pool day, or a gym day, I love it.  I love how I feel when I'm done.  Accomplished.  Energized.  I love seeing my progress.  I love everything about it.

I bought myself a FitBit so I could track my steps and what not.  There are days when it's difficult for me to get in as many as I'd like, because I work from home.  And on swim days, unfortunately, it looks like I'm very inactive, which isn't true at all.  But that's besides the point...

I also started the 30-day squat challenge.  Today was my day #9 and on tap for today was 100 squats.  I did 30 before my shower, 30 after my shower, and 40 while I was waiting for my lunch to finish cooking.  I am feeling VERY accomplished with this challenge.  If you told me two weeks ago that I'd be working out like this, AND doing squats, I'd of told you to take a shit for yourself.

Oh!  And one more THRILLING victory!  I have these 5 lb. hand weights at home.  5 lbs. doesn't sound like much, but for right now, it's all I need.  I use those and work my arms every day.  So, I'm looking in the mirror the other day and thinking to myself hhmm...my arms are looking better.  So I hold up my arm and flex my bicep.  I nearly DIED when I was able to see the tone in my arms!  I AM BUILDING MUSCLE TONE PEOPLE!  To some that might not seem like such a big deal, but to me, it means that what I'm doing is working.  I am a happy girl and I FEEL GOOD!

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2 Months

Tuesday will mark two months since my surgery.  How my life has changed.  Two months ago, I was eating.  A lot.  Calories, carbs and fat - in unlimited amounts.  I ate to my hearts content.  I drank a 2-liter of either Diet Coke or Cherry Coke every single day.  I ate king size candy bars, and bags of M&M's and then I'd look at myself in the mirror and be SO disgusted with myself.  We'd order take out, or go through the drive-thru at least 3 times a week, and that wasn't even including how many times a week I went out for breakfast at Timmy Ho's or Starbucks.  Yes - life was different.

Today?  I eat well under 800 calories a day.  Most days, I'm around 650, actually.  Two months ago that was what - half a meal?  

Two months ago, I sat on my ass.  A lot.  I had a gym membership, but I was too self-conscious to actually go to the gym.  Today?  Wow, that's changed.  3-4 times a week I swim laps for an hour, and 2-3 times a week I do my cardio and strength training at the gym.  I am also doing this 30-day squat challenge one of my friends got me into.  Today was an off-day, thank goodness, because my thighs were certainly feeling it today.  I feel SO much better about myself than I did two months ago.  I feel alive again.  My mom saw me on Friday and she told me that even my whole aura has changed.  My pants are all too big (but I still wear them).  I can actually see a difference in my face now.  I'm still packing quite the double chin, but it's better than it was back in May.   

I am only down 56 pounds.  I say only because I had an agonizing stall.  A stall that lasted nearly 3-4 weeks.  I've still lost about 38 inches all together, over my entire body, though, so I guess I'll take it!

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Life is good.  Life is BUSY.  I'm adjusting to my new schedule.  I am blessed enough to be able to work from home.  But, every morning, we get up and either head to the aquatic center to swim laps for an hour, or we hit the gym.  We alternate days, and it works out well because I don't wind up getting bored.  Truth be told, I would be just as happy swimming every day, but my husband loves the gym, so we compromise.  It'll be interesting to see how the schedule works once Bubby goes back to school in September.  God help me if my husband goes back onto day shift, because I don't know that I have the balls to swim all by my lonesome.  The gym is one thing..but the pool?  Aye.

So, I'm about 8 weeks out now from my surgery.  I'm learning to eat different foods and see how Godzilla takes them.  The other day I went to Subway and got a chopped salad.  Godzilla was NOT happy.  Guess it's too soon.  I didn't do lettuce, but I did do spinach and my other veggies.  It was really tasty, but not worth the grumbly in my tumbly.

I stalled for about 4 weeks, and that time was awful.  I've figured out that my weight loss equals about how many days it's been since my surgery, so overall, I'm losing about a pound a day, but I secretly wish it were more.  I've been pretty faithful with tracking in MFP. I also went and got a Fitbit Zip last night so I can track my steps and calories burned a bit more accurately.

Despite being stalled, I still lost some inches.  Not nearly as many as I did during the first month, but at least it was something.  All in all, since surgery, I have lost 38.5 total inches off of my body.  This is a very very good thing.  I am still so far from where I need to be, but I try not to look at that, but rather smaller mini goals.  My next goal is 60 pounds lost...then 75.  All of my pants are too big on me, but I'm not quite yet in the next size down, so that's another goal too.  Baby steps!


This is gonna be a short post...but I just wanted to share a few small NSV's that I've experienced here lately.

1.  ALL the pants I own/wear in regular rotation are too big for me.  I either need to stop being lazy and clean my closet, and see what else is in there for me to wear, get a belt (yuck, hate belts), or go shopping.  My most favorite pair of capris either is completely un-wearable.  They completely fall down when I walk.  Woo hoo!

2.  I was able to finally move up the driver's seat a few inches in my van.  It was never my belly that was in the way, but my fucking ginorma ass.  My big butt is always the trouble!

3.  I didn't get out of breath on the treadmill today at the gym.  I got on, did my 2nd day Power Walk app walk, and it was fine.  Never once was I out of breath.  VICTORY.

4.  I actually CRAVE exercise now.  I know tomorrow morning is pool day.  And there are no words for how excited I am.  I would live in the water if I was able to.  Now that my son will be home next week, I'll swim every day.  My husband doesn't like to miss the gym - which I can give or take.  Swimming is where my heart is at.  I wish I were swimming this very second.  Ahh I love it!  And also, I have to say, I'm a lot more comfortable walking around that aquatic center in my bathing suit than I thought I'd be.  I've adopted an "I don't give a flying fuck" attitude.  If you don't wanna see the cellulite on my thighs, my big floppy arms, my ass and belly, then don't look at me.  It's that simple.  :)

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Reasons Why

I am so happy that I FINALLY decided to go ahead and have this weight loss surgery.  There were so many times when I thought "I want to have it done", but I chickened out.  It was like that with my tonsils too.  I actually saw three doctors before I just sucked it up, pulled up my big girl panties, and had it done.  When I went to see my second ENT doctor for my tonsils, the Dr. actually said to me "The reason your tonsils are so inflamed is because you are so porked out."  He ACTUALLY used the words porked out.  Who in the hell does that?

Anyhow...this surgery, this tool...hell this gift I've been given, it's tremendous.  I am feeling so much better about myself these days.  I've lost just about 53 pounds now.  53 pounds y'all!  A large bag of dog food weighs 50 pounds.  Checked airport luggage weights 50 pounds.  That's a TON of weight, and I couldn't be more happy with my progress.

One reason I'm so happy is because my relationship with food the past two months has drastically changed.  I'm officially a label reader.  Last week my son and I went grocery shopping and it took me forever because I was stopping to read labels on everything I purchased.  Oh, and my son now looks at labels too and it becoming more carb/calorie/far/protein conscious.  I love that!!

Another reason I'm so happy is because I've found my fitness groove again.  A year and a half ago my husband and I joined a gym.  I went regularly, then stopped.  Long story...pretty sure I've already discussed it before.  Anyhow, this week?  Found my fitness groove again.  We alternate days between doing laps at the pool, and hitting the gym.  Today is an off day, which makes me happy.  But I can't wait to get back at it tomorrow.  And, I've found a few apps which help me stay motivated and keep me interested.  The first one is Gym Pact.  This is an app you can download on your iPhone or Android phone.  You basically tell the app how many times a week you'll work out, and how much you're willing to pay for every workout you miss.  When you hit the gym, you check in and check out once you're done, 30 minutes minimum.  Make your pact and you don't have to pay for any missed check-ins, and you're also rewarded...with money.  And who isn't motivated by money?

PowerWalk is another app I use.  This worked perfectly for me on the treadmill at the gym.  It's a 12 week walking program that takes you from a 25 minute walk to a 60 minute walk.  My goal for the end of this program is to increase to jogging once I can lose a bit more weight and increase my cardio.

One last reason I'm super happy is because I'm eating so much less these days.  Why does this make me happy?  Because food no longer makes me feel weighted down.  It no longer makes me feel bad about myself.  It no longer makes me feel anything but satisfied.  I don't look to food to fill a void, because I know it no longer will.  And this is a good thing.

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Woo hoo hooooooo!!

Oh yea baby!  Not only is my stall broken, but I hit a milestone today.  Not only have I lost 50 pounds, but I threw in one more for good measure.  Yeoow!  51 lbs. gone for good.  It feels SO damn good too.  I feel a huge sense of accomplishment today.

This morning, I got my son and hubby up bright and early at 6:30.  I don't know who was more miserable...my hubby, who is used to getting up at 8, or my little man.  But once they were both up and we were out the door, we were all fine.  We went and swam this morning, and I was actually putting in quite a bit of effort...doing "real" swimming laps.  Not those doggy paddle or tread water back and forth type of laps, but the type of freestyle laps you see at swim meets.  Yea, I still got game.  We actually swam for a full hour today, which made me feel even more accomplished than I already did.  

My new short term goal is another 5 lbs. gone.  Longer term goal, 75 lbs. gone.  Even better than that will be when I'm FINALLY into two-ville.  I cannot frikkin wait, and I'm sooooooo close I can see it!  Soon...soon!!


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