Life These Days

It's been a long time since my last update. Life has gotten hectic. I work for a huge holiday dot.com retailer, and this time of year is hell for me. I'm looking at 80 hour work weeks (which, it ok, since I work at home), but it makes finding time to work out really difficult. However, all the OT pay this time of year really comes in handy.

My weight loss is soooooo slow these days. I'm 20 lbs away from losing 200 pounds. TWO HUNDRED POUNDS. That's just. Wow.

I saw my OB/GYN a few weeks ago and she asked me what my goal was. I told her I'd like to be able to say "I have lost 200 pounds". That's just 8 pounds away from my goal. However, she told me that I could probably stop 10 pounds before my goal because of skin removal. Yeow! So, I've got 20 pounds left to go. They say the last 20 are the most difficult. 

I've replaced my daily Starbucks coffee with Fit Frappe Mocha Coffee shakes. I still get Starbucks a few times a week, but not daily. Once a week I allow myself a "cheat" and I'll even get a chocolate croissant or a slice of loaf bread from the 'Bux. I never cheat otherwise, so I'm ok with this.  I've also replaced my lunch with a protein shake. The Fit Frappe can be made 3 ways: iced, hot or blended. On days when I go to the gym, I start with cereal; my body needs carbs to fuel me at the gym. After the gym, I'll have a Quest protein bar, because these are just amazing. Lunch is a blended frapp. 130 calories and 20 grams of protein. My restriction has been AWESOME the last few days, and I chalk that up to the shakes. Today my restriction is super awesome. Usually in the afternoon, I'm wanting a snack. Today not at all. There are no words for how happy this makes me. To know that this far out I can still have restriction THIS good.

What else? Oh yea! So, I've been noticing as the weather has cooled that my size 18 capris are too big. Like oh shit, they're falling down too big. My 16 jeans were starting to feel loose on me too. Last week, I went to a thrift store and just for fun, I purchased three pairs of jeans, size 14, juniors 15/16 and juniors 17. The size 14 fits the best. Wait...what? I fit into a size 14? Seriously, this is real like and I love it, and couldn't be happier. It's unreal to me. 

I STILL struggle with seeing myself as the old me. When I try on pants, or anything, I still expect it NOT to fit. I am a Disney Frozen addict. I was at Walmart and they had a pink Elsa tee-shirt, but it was a woman's size large. I knew it wouldn't fit, but I bought it so that one day, I could wear it. Just for shits and grins, I tried it on and holy amazon crap balls, it fits! Things like this still blow me away. I just wish I could see/feel it.

I don't feel confident at all. I still feel like the same old girl who doesn't allow people to get to know her easily because she's afraid of being judged, all the time. I wish I had the confidence to go to the pool and swim laps by myself, but I don't. I wish I had the cajones to take this class at the gym, that my old trainer teaches, but I don't. **for the record, I'm still not confident that I could even complete the hour-long class, but I'd sure like to try.

Ugh. It's just frustrating. My husband tells me I'm small. Friends call my "skinny minnie" and I'm like, what? Stop it.

This weight loss deal...still fucking my mind, daily.