Over the Moon!!

Today I saw my surgeon again, for a follow up.  I've lost two pounds since my last visit.  Impressive, considering I wasn't trying.  I go back in one month.  At that time?  WE SUBMIT FOR INSURANCE APPROVAL!!!  Holy feck!  I am so so so excited.  My surgeon said he anticipates we'll be doing surgery in late May or early June.  OMG!  This is amazing.  This is amazing and awesome and I just pray now...I pray there are no delays or set backs because I want this so much!!!


For so long, I denied my weight was a problem. I denied that my weight was as out of control as it really is.  I used every excuse in the book.  I'm flexible...for a fat girl.  I can walk fast and far without getting winded...for a fat girl.  I am able to shop and find clothes without a major issue...for a fat girl.

But I AM OUT OF CONTROL. My health is out of control.  For so long, I've not felt as big as I am.  I knew I was big, but I never felt as big as I was, if that makes any sense. But there are days when I feel so full, and so fat, and feel like I'm taking up so much space...

Some days it just hurts. Physically hurts. And I've never been one of "those fat people" who complains about being in pain. My knees are good. I don't have problems with them. It's my back. I have had lower back problems for as long as I can remember and was always told "if you'd lose weight...", "if you weren't so heavy"...blah blah blah.  But I kept pretending that I'd prove them wrong, it's not my weight, it's something else...I'll show 'em!

But here lately? I hate to admit, but my weight is a BIG problem. 

I get tired. Easily. Too easily. I have a gym membership. I used to go two, three, four times a week.  I haven't been there in months. I'm too tired, I'm too fat and I'm too god damn embarrassed. I tired taking a fucking shower in the morning. I tired standing in the kitchen making dinner.  I'm fat and tired and I'm sick and tired of being tired!!!

I cannot wait to have this surgery.  I need this.  My life now depends on losing weight.  I've let myself go for so so long.  And if anyone is actually reading this blog, and if anyone is on the cusp of trying to decide on this surgery, my word of advise is do it. Do it now.  Do it before you go too far. Do it before you get too tired.  Just do it.

Heavy things

Do you ever just feel...fat?  Like..ok.  I'm fat.  Obese fat.  But sometimes, y'all, I feel like I'm about 800 pounds.  Sometimes I just FEEL so much heavier than I am, and that sucks.  Lately though, my weight has been getting to me big time.  My back and hips have been taking the brunt of my weight and I gotta get my ass in gear pre-surgery.

I did get really good news today though!  Last time I went to the dr., my blood pressure was 180 over something...I don't remember.  It was high.  Sky high.  My dr. was really concerned, so they upped my meds.  Today I returned for a BP check and it was 138/80!!  Seriously, that's the lowest it's been in quite some time.  They were thrilled as was I.  My meds are working!  I can't wait until I'm off my meds....when I'm losing weight..and when I'm just happier and healthier.


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