Trapped

For so long, I denied my weight was a problem. I denied that my weight was as out of control as it really is.  I used every excuse in the book.  I'm flexible...for a fat girl.  I can walk fast and far without getting winded...for a fat girl.  I am able to shop and find clothes without a major issue...for a fat girl.

But I AM OUT OF CONTROL. My health is out of control.  For so long, I've not felt as big as I am.  I knew I was big, but I never felt as big as I was, if that makes any sense. But there are days when I feel so full, and so fat, and feel like I'm taking up so much space...

Some days it just hurts. Physically hurts. And I've never been one of "those fat people" who complains about being in pain. My knees are good. I don't have problems with them. It's my back. I have had lower back problems for as long as I can remember and was always told "if you'd lose weight...", "if you weren't so heavy"...blah blah blah.  But I kept pretending that I'd prove them wrong, it's not my weight, it's something else...I'll show 'em!

But here lately? I hate to admit, but my weight is a BIG problem. 

I get tired. Easily. Too easily. I have a gym membership. I used to go two, three, four times a week.  I haven't been there in months. I'm too tired, I'm too fat and I'm too god damn embarrassed. I tired taking a fucking shower in the morning. I tired standing in the kitchen making dinner.  I'm fat and tired and I'm sick and tired of being tired!!!

I cannot wait to have this surgery.  I need this.  My life now depends on losing weight.  I've let myself go for so so long.  And if anyone is actually reading this blog, and if anyone is on the cusp of trying to decide on this surgery, my word of advise is do it. Do it now.  Do it before you go too far. Do it before you get too tired.  Just do it.