18...

This is me.  The picture itself it a few years old, but I was at my heaviest weight, or at least I think I was.  My scale didn't go beyond a certain point, so I really don't know.  But gah.  I was SO big.  Sometimes, you just get so big, you don't realize how big you really are until you look back and then it's just an OH.MY.GOD. feeling.  Like why in the hell did I ever let myself go like that?  I mean, really.  I had let myself just go.  I ate whatever I wanted to.  I'd go to Tim Horton's before work, and get a large iced mocha latte along with a BLT bagel.  I'd eat a reasonable lunch, depending on the day.  And dinner, don't even get me started.  3 slices of pizza with some chicken wings.  Or McDonald's (always a double quarter pounder with a large fries..and sometimes I'd throw in a spicy chicken sandwich just because).  Or a burrito bowl from Chipotle with extra meat, and chips and salsa.  Just disgusting eating habits.  Really, I was completely out of control.  So, it's no wonder I got this big.  I've since sold this dress I'm wearing on eBay.  It was a 5X.  I remember having a hard time finding a decent outfit for that wedding too, because no matter where I went, anything I put on just looked like a god damn circus tent on me.  

This sleeve of mine? What a life-saver it's been. Honestly. At least now if I have a splurge meal (like I did yesterday for my birthday), I can't completely go all out because my stomach just doesn't hold that much.  We went to Ruby Tuesday, and I ordered the petite sirloin with lobster tail, grilled zucchini and baked mac n cheese.  I enjoyed a few bites of each and brought the rest home, to have a few more meals.  We ordered dessert, and I ate a few bites, whereas last year? I would of eaten my entire plate and the entire dessert and had at least 2 glasses of Diet Coke with my dinner.

So, having birthday money burning a hole in my pocket, I did a little shopping today.  All of my gym pants are getting too large on me. I am not one for huge baggy clothes anymore, because now, they just make me feel dumpy. A year ago, I preferred baggy, because I felt like it was hiding all my fat.  Now? Baggy clothes make me FEEL fat.  I've been wearing a size 20 for a little bit now, but have started noticing that whoa...these suckers...  I've been having to yank them up because they fall off my ass when I walk.  (I used to have this ass...like...an ASS! I used to call my ass the book shelf, because I shit you not, you could balance a book on it, it stuck out so far).  I'm sure it's a combo of weight loss and squats, but my ass is shrinking, and I couldn't be more pleased.  Anyhow, my jeans don't fit my ass that good anymore and constantly having to pull up my pants is annoying.  So, I went to Kohl's.  I thought hhmm let me just TRY on these size 18 jeans, to get a gauge if I'm getting close to that size.  I have a size 18 in my closet that I got at Goodwill, but they're a juniors 18 and dang, those fuckers are small, so I was just checking.  But, to my surprise, they fit.  Like a gloooooove.  Um.  Is this my life?  When I was in the 7th grade, I wore a size 20.  And that's many many many years ago.  So putting on a pair of pants where the size doesn't start with the number 2?  It's mind blowing.  And I cried in that dressing room today.  I cried because I'm happy.  I cried because I felt like holy shit! Is this really me? And yes, I took a photo too.  Because I am so happy.

Gloriously happy.

And, I got to buy my gym pants at Target today. I felt so normal, walking into just a regular department store, and walking into their regular athletic section, and grabbing some gym pants. Granted, they're XXL, but they fit and that's what was important to me.  I do have to say though...those Target dressing room mirrors? Jesus christ, is it really necessary to be able to view oneself from ALL possible angles? Holy moly. I saw more of myself today than I think I ever have!