This article...

Someone on one of my weight loss boards posted an interesting article today.  You can read it here.  I have my own thoughts on the points the author made in the article.

1. Power
Sure, I had enough power, 145 pounds ago, to sufficiently hip-check any asshole that came into my path. It was great in large crowds, trying to make your way through, and being able to just shake my hip to the left or the right, and send someone on their way. But, I surely didn't have the power to lift anything heavy. I had too much weight on my frame, and my back was in constant pain because of it. I didn't have enough strength in my muscles (which mind you, were buried under a thick layer of fat) to consider myself strong. So yea, I had power. In a 368 pound body. Move anything that heavy and you'll have "power". But I didn't have strength. These are two completely different things, in my opinion

2. Comfort
I've always needed extra pillows to sleep; now AND 145 pounds ago. I sleep with two pillows under my head, a pillow in my back for support and I snuggle my big fluffy teddy bear at night too. Hey, don't judge. I have never slept on my belly, because it hurts my back to do so. So sleep wise, nothing has changed, EXCEPT! I find that some times I'll roll on to my back to sleep and I can actually sleep that way without snoring myself awake. I do notice that when sitting in a chair, if my legs are crossed, my ankle bones rub together and that can get painful after a bit. Also, my tailbone now has so little padding on it that sitting for long periods of time is really uncomfortable. But, so many things are MORE comfortable now, than they were before. Moving is more comfortable. As is exercise. Movement. Sex. Everything.

3. Perspective.
I kinda have to agree with everything the author stated here. I did notice that I could wear the same size through high weight fluctuations. I was in a size 26 for a very long time, and then into a 28. But, getting closer to my surgery there was so much in my closet that DIDN'T fit, because I had gotten so big. And by the time I got around to trying a lot of stuff on again, it was like whoops, not it's too big.  (On a side note, I have fallen in love with eBay.  I've sold over $800 in old clothes. Apparently, there's a big market for plus size clothing on eBay!!)

4. Friendships
I've never made friends easily. I am very shy and quiet when first meeting someone. (As anyone who knows me will say though - once you get to know me, that's all out the door and I'm VERY loud and VERY open). That being said, for so long I worked from home so I didn't have the opportunity to meet anyone new. Finally in 2010, I got my first "brick and mortar" job that I have had in about 8 years. I have met a wonderful close group of ladies that I am very close with. It was very easy forming these bonds with these women, and they've been through my surgery and weight loss with me every step of the way. Actually, they are some of the very few who know. I have a girlfriend that I've been friends with for 30 years now, and she doesn't even know I had surgery.  I honestly cannot compare forming friendships prior to and after my weight loss. I am more open of a person now though, and less afraid to talk to people. I feel less judgement. But, I also don't give a fuck. If you're judging me, you aren't worth knowing.

5. Presence

YES YES and YES. My personality, my body and my mind do not match. After losing 145 pounds, I should be proud. And some times I am. Some times I can look at my reflection in the mirror and say ok, you don't look that bad. But then I think shouldn't look like THIS for losing the amount of weight you've lost. In my mind, I still have the figure of a 368 pound person. I'm still round and squishy and disgusting. Though, I'm not. I can see my collar bones, and my knees, and my ankle bones and tendons in my hands and feet. My feet aren't as fat as they used to be - I have shoes that are loose now. And I have ankles - not cankles any more! I often feel like a thin woman trapped in a fat body. I never truly felt as big as I really was. I didn't see how big I had truly got until the weight started coming off and that was a sickening reality check.

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