E-N-E-R-G-Y

145 pounds ago, I ached. A lot. My lower back was chronically in pain. A trip to the grocery store would fill me with dread. I knew before I'd make it through the whole store, I'd be in pain. My lower back would go numb from the pain.

My husband and son would ask me to do things. Walk around the mall. Take a walk through the park. Explore the neighborhood. Anything. My answer was always the same. No. I'd find any excuse. I have a headache. My back hurts. I'm tired. Let's watch a movie instead. I'd say anything - do anything, to not be physical. God forbid I move my fat ass. 

Same goes for cleaning. I never had the energy to clean my house. I'm not talking about a casual tidy up job. I mean like on my hands and knees scrubbing the toilet, or mopping the floor type cleaning. I just couldn't do it.

So much has changed. 

I invited my mom over for Easter dinner, so knowing this, I know I need to get my house clean. Normally, I'd rely on my husband and son to handle it for me. But I've been a productive gal this week. I started in my foyer closet. I tossed 5 garbage bags full of old coats, shoes, etc.  **Side note - I've always heard people mention that when they've lost weight, they've gone down in shoe size. I have yet to experience this. Or so I thought. I have a pair of slip on sneakers I keep by the door. My husband always throws them on when he runs outside to check the mail. I noticed that they were really loose and I figured he stretched them out. Then I tried on a brand new pair of sandals I had tucked away in my closet, and a favorite pair of leather sandals from last year. Both are too big, slightly so in length, but in the girth of my foot.  Who knew??  Anyhow, after cleaning my closet, I organized it and mopped our foyer. It's never looked better!

Today was living room and bathroom day.  I scrubbed the bathroom top to bottom, and it finally smells great!  (I live with 2 boys - need I say more??)  My living room is vacuumed, tidied up and looks fantastic. And I still had energy to spare. 

We live in a 2-story townhouse and I have to tell you, I always hated running up and down the stairs. I no longer get winded. I now run up and down my stairs with ease. And I'm no longer too lazy to not make multiple trips. I'm no longer too lazy to avoid doing something myself, because I'm too fat or too stubborn to just get off my ass.

One thing I'm struggling with still is clothes sizes. I'm still reaching for the largest size on the shelf. I needed new pajamas so bad, because everything I own is 2-4 sizes too big. 4X pants no longer work for me and fall right down. So, at Walmart today, I immediately wanted to reach for the 4X size. I had them in my cart and had to stop myself from walking away, because I knew they'd be too big.  I also picked up a pair of spandex capri work out pants. I need some compression pants and a compression top so when I jog, my fat stops clapping for me. I figured ok, 2X spandex pants, (they look small on the hanger); they'll work. I figured no way will a 2X fit me, from not the plus size section, from the regular women's section. So, I was hoping those would work for me as compression pants. Nope. They fit me like a glove. This size thing is a challenge, and it shouldn't be, but it is!

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Self Doubt

This is me. Red-faced and sweaty after a session with my personal trainer.  Today was a good day at the gym.  I overcame some stuff.  Mostly, self doubt.

When I first joined the gym, I was so nervous about being an obese person in the gym that I actually emailed the director before going to the gym, to see how they'd act towards me.  I knew I found the right place when the director emailed me back immediately, and reassured me that this gym would be as much my gym as anyone else's gym.  He wanted me to feel welcome there, no matter what shape I was in.

The day my husband and I toured the gym, I was so anxious I nearly vomited.  I had that feeling about the gym every single time I went.  It was so bad that I stopped working with my original trainer, and stopped going to the gym all-together.  I was too afraid to challenge myself, and definitely too afraid to fail.

I was one of those girls who LOATHED gym class in high school.  I hated it so much that my junior year I had to take gym twice a day, because I skipped it so much, I flunked it.  Yes, you can fail gym class.  Anyhow, I was always so scared to try things that I knew I couldn't do, like doing flips on the uneven parallel bars, which I know for a fact I couldn't do because I couldn't lift my own body weight.  And I couldn't run around the entire track. And I couldn't shoot hoops to save my fucking life.  It was awful, and embarrassing and I got made fun of a lot for it.  

So, when I'm in the gym now, and I'm asked to try something new, I panic.  Like the day my trainer asked me to do the box jumps. My head said no fat girl, you cannot do those. and my body said no fat girl, you cannot do those.  And when I told my trainer "I cannot do this", before I even tried, she said YES YOU CAN. I tried. And I did it.

Today, she had me on this ab bench. The bench locks in your feet and has you laying backwards at a very odd angle. I locked my feet in and the bench was wobbly. She told me it was, and assured me I wouldn't fall. I didn't feel secure on that bench at all. The old me, the fat me SCREAMED at me GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION! She saw I was panicking and helped me lay back on the bench. And low and behold, I did sit ups on this machine. Not crunches. But actual raise up your entire body and do a real adult grown up sit up. I DID THAT. And dammit, I was proud of myself. I really was, and my trainer was too. She tells everyone in the gym that I'm kicking ass and doing well and that feels good coming from her.

She told me that she thinks my mind is still not used to my new body, and she is right. It's not. I still feel 368 pounds. I still feel like that girl.  I still see that girl in the mirror. I still see that girl at the gym. I still feel like I'm just going to fail at whatever I try, no matter what. And enough is enough. I've got to learn that it's OK to take a risk. So what if I do fail at something? Who cares? At least I can say I tried, right?

Another thing I'm scared to try again is jogging, and the elliptical.  Right after I first started the gym, I said ok, we're going to try the elliptical today. I barely lasted 5 minutes on it. It was HARD. Really hard. And even though that was 2 years and 145 pounds ago, I still freak out. I want to try the elliptical SO BAD, so the next time I'm there I really need to just suck this up and do it. Stop being such a punk and do it.  And then there is running. I tried Couch to 5K last fall when I was prepping for my 5K. I was awful at it. I would barely jog for less than a minute and my lungs would scream from being so taxed. When we did the 5K, I tried to run a bit, but the problem I had was my fat. It cheered for me! My fat clapped as I ran and that was just so discouraging. So, I stopped trying.

My husband and I were out for a walk Saturday and I really wanted to try running. But, I need compression garments first. I've got way too much loose skin and flab that bounces and slaps when I jump so I know when I run it'll do the same.

Sigh. Fat girl problems.

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"You're Fat"

Know what I've learned in my 38 years on this planet? When someone wants to insult you, they'll go for the jugular. They'll pick the one thing about you, physically, that they don't like, and use that as their ammo.

I think back to all of the times throughout school that I was bullied.  I was never bullied because I was tall, or had long, curly hair, or wore a lot of Grateful Dead t-shirts.  I was never bullied because I was smart, or smoked, or was a choir nerd.  I was bullied because I was fat.  

How do I know?  

Because, every single time I was bullied, I heard words like "fat ass", "whale", "tub-o-lard", "pig", "hippo", "heifer", "fat bitch".....

Etc, etc, etc.

It was ALWAYS  a dig at my weight.  Always.  It happened in elementary school.  It happened in middle school.  It happened in high school.

It only happened in college once.  For the most part, people were far more mature in college and much more accepting of me.  They accepted me for me, and didn't snub me because I was fat.  With the exception of one idiot, but he flunked out, so who is the idiot now?

My ex-husband did and still does bully me about my weight.  The irony is that he, himself, was always bullied for his weight and before his gastric bypass was obese himself.

When he argues with me, he'll IMMEDIATELY go for the kill.  Oh, ok, fat ass.  Or when he's referring to me, it's never as his ex-wife, I'm always "that fat pig of an ex-wife."  I will never be just the ex-wife.  He needs to make himself feel better about himself, and his sad life, so he has to insult me.  

I'm sorry, but people who act like this are pathetic to me.  Simply pathetic.  Hate me because I'm an outspoken bitch.  Hate me because I speak my mind and don't have a lot of tact.  Hate me because I'm REALLY honest and I WILL tell you when that dress makes your ass look fat.  Hate me because I love too much.  Hate me because I'm loud.  Hate me because I drive like a maniac.  

But hate me because I'm fat?  Really?

Honey, if that's the best you've got, I hate to tell you, but you've got nothing.

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Skin

Know what nobody tells you when you're super obese?  Just how much damage you're doing to your skin.  Know what EVERYBODY tells you when you're losing weight?  They tell you about their loose skin.  

I was never a person who thought I wouldn't have loose skin.  I have been obese my entire life, and I'm 38 years old.  I've been stretching out this skin suit for nearly 4 decades now. I've got the stretch makes on my boobs and arms and belly. I've stretched my skin to its capacity.  So, I kinda knew I'd have loose skin. But, I didn't realize how much it would irritate me.

I first noticed loose, wrinkly skin under my neck. I didn't have a double chin, I had a fucking triple chin.  My face was huge.  See?

So, once I lost that, I had leftover skin where all that fat used to be.  I am probably the most self conscious about this loose skin, because it's the most visible to every one I encounter.  However, I'll take that skin over that fat face any day!!

My second sore spot would be my arms.  My arms prior to surgery were huge.  You ever see a fat person with fat rolls on their upper arms?  Yea, I had that.  They were huge. HUGE.  I'm disgusted I allowed myself to just eat and eat and eat and get so fat that I hate my body the way I did, but what's done is done.  Now that I'm losing fat in my arms and gaining muscle, my arms are just horrible. Even wearing a short sleeve shirt now bothers me, because it's that noticeable.  I'd choose to fix my arms first, with plastic surgery, before I would fix anything else.  Honestly.

The other day after my shower, I caught a side glimpse of my boobs in the mirror.  Prior to surgery, I was a 46D.  I had a big rack.  Well duh.  That's because tits are fat.  So yea, the fatter I got, the bigger my boobs got.  That was probably the only benefit to being a big girl.  Big girls!!  Now that I'm rid of 145 pounds, my boobs have shrunk quite a bit. I don't even know my real bra size at the moment, but the last time I measured, my band size measurement was a 39 so.....yea.  I've lost a lot of inches in the boobs.

My tummy now...it's just gross.  And wrinkly.  It's not that bad, because the only person who sees it is my husband, and he doesn't care. So, until it becomes a major issue for me, I'm good.

Another major problem area that I've noticed is my thighs.  My upper thighs have always been huge.  I have so much cellulite on my thighs.  But now I've also got a lot of loose skin on my inner thighs.  This bothers me a lot too because I go to the pool in a bathing suit and all that shit is hanging out.  I shouldn't care, but I do.  I feel like inside this fat suit there is a skinny girl begging to get out.  

I bought a pair of size 18 jeans the other day that fit, and tried on a pair of 16's I had in my closet and those fit too.  She's in there...this thinner version of me.  But now, she is trapped in a fat suit and I don't like it at all.  

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18...

This is me.  The picture itself it a few years old, but I was at my heaviest weight, or at least I think I was.  My scale didn't go beyond a certain point, so I really don't know.  But gah.  I was SO big.  Sometimes, you just get so big, you don't realize how big you really are until you look back and then it's just an OH.MY.GOD. feeling.  Like why in the hell did I ever let myself go like that?  I mean, really.  I had let myself just go.  I ate whatever I wanted to.  I'd go to Tim Horton's before work, and get a large iced mocha latte along with a BLT bagel.  I'd eat a reasonable lunch, depending on the day.  And dinner, don't even get me started.  3 slices of pizza with some chicken wings.  Or McDonald's (always a double quarter pounder with a large fries..and sometimes I'd throw in a spicy chicken sandwich just because).  Or a burrito bowl from Chipotle with extra meat, and chips and salsa.  Just disgusting eating habits.  Really, I was completely out of control.  So, it's no wonder I got this big.  I've since sold this dress I'm wearing on eBay.  It was a 5X.  I remember having a hard time finding a decent outfit for that wedding too, because no matter where I went, anything I put on just looked like a god damn circus tent on me.  

This sleeve of mine? What a life-saver it's been. Honestly. At least now if I have a splurge meal (like I did yesterday for my birthday), I can't completely go all out because my stomach just doesn't hold that much.  We went to Ruby Tuesday, and I ordered the petite sirloin with lobster tail, grilled zucchini and baked mac n cheese.  I enjoyed a few bites of each and brought the rest home, to have a few more meals.  We ordered dessert, and I ate a few bites, whereas last year? I would of eaten my entire plate and the entire dessert and had at least 2 glasses of Diet Coke with my dinner.

So, having birthday money burning a hole in my pocket, I did a little shopping today.  All of my gym pants are getting too large on me. I am not one for huge baggy clothes anymore, because now, they just make me feel dumpy. A year ago, I preferred baggy, because I felt like it was hiding all my fat.  Now? Baggy clothes make me FEEL fat.  I've been wearing a size 20 for a little bit now, but have started noticing that whoa...these suckers...  I've been having to yank them up because they fall off my ass when I walk.  (I used to have this ass...like...an ASS! I used to call my ass the book shelf, because I shit you not, you could balance a book on it, it stuck out so far).  I'm sure it's a combo of weight loss and squats, but my ass is shrinking, and I couldn't be more pleased.  Anyhow, my jeans don't fit my ass that good anymore and constantly having to pull up my pants is annoying.  So, I went to Kohl's.  I thought hhmm let me just TRY on these size 18 jeans, to get a gauge if I'm getting close to that size.  I have a size 18 in my closet that I got at Goodwill, but they're a juniors 18 and dang, those fuckers are small, so I was just checking.  But, to my surprise, they fit.  Like a gloooooove.  Um.  Is this my life?  When I was in the 7th grade, I wore a size 20.  And that's many many many years ago.  So putting on a pair of pants where the size doesn't start with the number 2?  It's mind blowing.  And I cried in that dressing room today.  I cried because I'm happy.  I cried because I felt like holy shit! Is this really me? And yes, I took a photo too.  Because I am so happy.

Gloriously happy.

And, I got to buy my gym pants at Target today. I felt so normal, walking into just a regular department store, and walking into their regular athletic section, and grabbing some gym pants. Granted, they're XXL, but they fit and that's what was important to me.  I do have to say though...those Target dressing room mirrors? Jesus christ, is it really necessary to be able to view oneself from ALL possible angles? Holy moly. I saw more of myself today than I think I ever have!

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Non-Scale Victories

I really need to celebrate these victories just as much as the ones ON the scale!

Yesterday at the gym, with my trainer, I had a tough day.  I kept having to stop, and rest. Sure, she was working me hard, and I did have a NSV at the gym (more on that in a minute), but still. Having to stop, to catch my breath and drink some water sucks. I feel like the big fat fattie at the gym who can't handle a real workout. Especially when she's got me over in the juicehead section, with all the big muscly dudes, and I'm trying so hard to keep up and push myself, but I can feel myself sinking.  I feel the light head-ness, and I can feel the cold sweat and then my hearing starts to get dodgy and I know, I JUST KNOW any second now, if I keep going, I will pass out.  And I have to stop.

Yesterday I had several moments like that.  I had to stop and she had me sit.  She checked my pulse because she was getting worried and had a tough time finding my heartbeat. I had a tough time catching a breath and couldn't breath any more.  Finally, my breathing caught up, and my heart rate came back up.  And I decided, this is enough.  So, I called my PCP today and got right in for a visit.

Before my surgery, my blood pressure was out of control, and I was put on two medications for it.  Right after my surgery, I was taken off my water pill, and just left on my beta blocker.  Well, since losing almost 145 pounds, I have yet to be taken off of my beta blocker, or had that dose lessened.  Which is posing a problem.  It's working TOO well.  That, combined with my weight loss and how well I've conditioned my heart are now causing me to have bradycardic episodes.  Today, my resting heart rate after walking through the doctors office was 60.  Normal resting for an adult is between 60-100, so mine is on the low side.  At the gym, when I'm exerting myself, and needing the oxygen and all that other good stuff, it's WAY too low.  Which explains why I've been practically exerting myself to the point of passing out.  Because my heart is like oh hey, hey lady?  Yea! Stop!

So my beta blocker meds were cut in half today, and in two weeks I shall go back for a BP check. At that time we will determine if I can either completely stop the meds, or perhaps get on a different med that doesn't lower my heart rate so much.  I was noticing that on the treadmill especially my heart rate doesn't climb like it's supposed to, so there you have it.

Now for TWO NSV's!

My gym NSV: yesterday, my trainer shows me this exercise, where she binds my wrists in a band, and has me doing push ups on a Bosu ball.  When she first showed me this I was thinking is she fucking insane? But I did tell her I wanted an upper body workout. And I did tell her that I was up for anything.  Also, she knows what I can do before I do.  Like last week when she had me doing tricep dips, which I didn't think I'd be able to do either. BUT I DID IT! I did push ups! And not the sissy ones you do on your knees.  I did REAL UP ON MY TOES PUSH UPS!  Now, I didn't do many.  And I didn't go down very far. But dammit, I did them. I did them!!! And it felt amazing.

My doctor office NSV: My PCP was so pleased with my weight loss.  I saw him in January, and he was stoked that I've lost 25 pounds since then. He said when he walked in, he had to do a double take because I look so different. What's so funny is that this is the second time I have heard this, this week. We had a family photo taken at my step-dad's funeral service and I had shown it to one of my circles of friends. One of the girls commented that she didn't even realize it was me in the picture until I had said something. Now, I do not see the difference like that. At all. I think people are completely off their rockers. Surely I cannot look THAT different...can I?  Either way, it feels good when someone (in this case, my doctor) tells me that I have lost a tremendous amount of weight and praises me. It felt really really good today!

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Restriction

I love my sleeve. I really do. He's allowed me to lose almost 143 pounds now. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would/could lose weight like this. I'm still a far way from goal, but I'm getting there.

There are some days when I can't eat for shit. Today is one of those days. My restriction is so tight today. I can never predict it. Some mornings I can start with a cup of Cheerios, hit the gym, drink my coffee after and be snacking shortly thereafter.  Then on days like today, I can sit down to eat some steak, get 2 ounces in and be SO full.  Same with lunch. I started in on some chicken, figured I could eat 3 or 4 ounces because I was so hungry. After about 2 ounces, I was done.

I love tight restriction days. It lets me know that my sleeve is still working for me :)

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