Feeling gross

Today, I am feeling gross.  It's not because I've lost 135 pounds. It's not because my close don't fit. It's not because I don't exercise.

Today, I am feeling gross because I ate like I did 135 pounds ago. I ate a chocolate croissant for breakfast from Starbucks.  I ate a chocolate chip walnut cookie from Wegmans after dinner.  I feel disgusting with myself.  And I ate today because I am sad and I do not care.

Thursday, at 1am, my step-dad passed away. He struggled with cancer for a long, long time.  In December, he was told there was nothing else that could be done for him. Last Saturday, I saw him for the last time. I hugged and kissed him goodbye and told him I love him.  He told me he loved me too, and thanked me for coming to see him.  I love this man. He treated my mother like gold. He didn't need to let me and my brother come live with him when they married. We were both over the age of 18. He could of told my mother no. But he didn't. He welcomed us into his home like we were his own kids. He treated me like a daughter, not a step-daughter or an intrusion into his home. He always used to say "hi sweetheart" whenever he saw me. I love him and will miss him every single day.  I hope he knows how much of an impact he had on my life.

So today I am sad. And I ate my feelings, and I feel gross. :(