Weight Loss and Depression

Oh weight loss, you are a funny little thing.  I've lost over 150 pounds now.  Woo hoo, right? That's awesome, right? I mean, that's more than some adults weigh. I've lost an entire person. So, you would think I'd be a lot happier about that. Except I'm not.

I feel like I should look better than I do. I know I've been down this road before, and have bitched about this before. It's to the point where I am ashamed to tell people "yep, I've lost 150 pounds." You tell people that, and they think WOW! You must look fantastic. Well, no. Actually, I don't. And I've got at least another 50 pounds to lose. Then I think well shit, I've lost 150 and I'm not happy. Why will 200 pounds lost make me happy? What if I'm never happy?

I'm a size 16/18, depending on the pant. And for a long time, this was a goal of mine. I said I'd be happy if I got that "small". I'm here now. And it's not small. Not even close. I feel fatter than ever these days.

I don't FEEL fatter. Ok, that's a lie. Because 150 pounds ago, when I was fatter, I couldn't bike 5 miles along the bike path. I couldn't go for TWO walks a day. I couldn't jog. So physically, I am way more active. But I just feel so disgusting. I look terrible. I do not look like someone who has lost 150 pounds and that terrifies me. How much will I have to lose to be happy? 

And now, I'm a year out from surgery and my weight loss has slowed to a crawl. I am still eating under 900 calories a day, and working out 1-2 times a day! Why is it so slow? I'm really starting to get depressed about this and worried about how it's making me feel, mentally. I'm ashamed to run into people I know or friends who know how much I've lost. People get this impression like "hey, bet we won't even recognize you." Oh yes, you will. I don't look that different. I fucking hate this part of weight loss.