Changed Gurl

Why I Hate Resolutions...and Why I Made Some

It's almost the end of yet another year. What they say is true; the older you get, the faster they fly by. And 2013 really did. At this time last year, I was patiently waiting for my health insurance to kick in so I could finally make my appointment with my bariatric surgeon. It's hard to believe this journey of mine has been a whole year. A year ago, I was almost 370 pounds, miserable, and just afraid I would keel over and die of a freakin heart attack. I used to make deals with God. I used to pray that when He did decided to take me, He wouldn't take me that way. Any way but that. Just the thought of going that way, being as heavy as I was, was just too humiliating.

Anyhow, a year ago at this time, I was just wishing and hoping that I'd get this last chance and saving my life. Because dieting wasn't working. The gym didn't motivate me. And I was losing an uphill battle.

Now? I'm down 117 pounds, very active, and loving life. I'm not who I was last year. I feel like I've been completely transformed, both physically and mentally.

So back to New Years. I HATE people who make resolutions. 9 times out of 10 people are all "I'm going to lose weight this year...", "I'm going to exercise more..." Blah blah blah fucking blah. You know what? No. Just no. No you won't. You'll diet for the first week then realize what really goes into a lifetime transformation and get tired of it. And those gym goers? They're going to be hogging the mirrors in the locker room and all the good gym equipment will be taken. Until February, when all those people stop coming to the gym.

It just annoys me. I'm a weirdo. I know. But people who wait until New Years to decide to fix themselves....just drive me crazy. You should start taking care of yourself the very SECOND you decide to change. No waiting, no hesitating. We get one go-round on this planet of ours. One life. One body. That's it. Take care of it man. And don't wait until a frikkin new year to start.

Now, I know I sound hypocritical. And I accept that. Because that's what I always did. Waited for a new week. A new month. Waited for a birthday to pass by. Waited because I knew that on such and such date, we'd be celebrating something and you sure as heck can't start a lifestyle change then...

So why did I make resolutions for myself this year? I mean, if you prefer, we can call them challenges. I made them because I know I can achieve them. I know I can.

The other day at the gym, my trainer asked me to jump up on these blocks. I was like um yea, ok. Not happening. But, she knew I could do it. And after a bit, I did. She knows I need that mental push. And I do. Then, Saturday, we were working on the TRX and she hooked me up so one leg was in the stirrup things, and had me try to hop one-legged onto the bosu ball. I couldn't do it. I tried. Twice. And just couldn't overcome that. But I know in time I'll be able to. Because she believes in me, so I have to believe in me too.

Merry Christmas!

I've been such a bloggy slacker. But, I work for a Christmas company, and this year has been nucking futs with work. I've been working 80 hour weeks all December. I've totally slacked off on my diet and exercise routine (I've been between 254-256 lbs all month long). I just haven't had time for myself. I'd blame my employer, but I make my own hours. This year, I worked my ass off so we could have one hell of a Christmas, and we are. The amount of $$ I have spent on my son is insane. The amount of $$ I spent on my husband is even more insane. And he also spoiled me rotten. I know this because me and my husband suck as waiting until Christmas to exchange gifts. He gave me two new tee's, a Hello Kitty scarf, two new hoodies, several new ornaments, even more new Hello Kitty's, my iPad air, my new Keurig, books, DVD's...I mean I could go on and on, but I'll just stop there. We spoil each other.

This year is so much better than last year. I actually had the energy TO work this many hours. I'm excited about tomorrow morning, but I'm also happy that it's almost over. Now, I can get back to myself. I have a goal of losing 5 pounds before 12/31 is over. Nuts right? But if I do, I'll be at 120 lost. And what a kick ass way to end 2013, by losing 120 pounds!

Lots of new goals for 2014, but that's a different post for a different day.

diet, gym, loss

Halfway there...

I'm halfway to my desired weight loss. I've lost 101 pounds so far. I guess it's ok for almost 6 months. I see my surgeon next week and I'll find out if he's pleased with my progress, or not so happy. I have no idea what he'll be thinking.

I have realized that I am halfway to my goal. I went into this knowing I'd ideally like to lose 200 pounds. When I started my journey, that seemed like such a daunting figure. Now that I'm halfway there, it still does. I'm not so sure I'll be able to lose another 100. I've worked hard for this. I work hard all the time at the gym and the pool.

I'm a rockstar at the gym, though. My personal trainer takes me into the "muscle head" section of the gym - the place I always avoided because I can't stand "those" guys. The big goofy muscle heads who stare at themselves in the mirror while they flex. I hate them all. And I've never felt comfortable near those people. And now I'm working out side by side next to them. That's right. I'm at the squat rack, and I'm one of those people who stands looking in the mirror when I do my squats or calf raises to be sure my form is correct. Ugh!

Anyhow, I've heard that weight loss the first 6 months comes easy, and after that, it's a struggle. This worries me, because I've been a super slow loser, and I seem to get easily discouraged by this.

I'm prepared to kick up my exercise. I can't wait for this tattoo to finish healing so I can hit the pool hard again. I've REALLY missed it, but I've been good and put in extra gym time. I've even gone to the gym alone - by my frikkin self - when my hubby couldn't go with me, and that's something I never ever would of done before.

I'm looking forward to dropping the next 100 pounds - I just hope it doesn't take forever. :/

carbs, food, pizza

Pizza and Me

Meh. I'm not so sure that I can tell that I've lost 100 pounds. I thought it would look so much better than it does. I just expected more. I know I started out really heavy, but come on. 100 pounds is huge. but it doesn't look huge. So depressing.

Tonight for dinner,we ate pizza. Let me tell you about me and pizza. Prior to surgery, we would order it at least once a week. It was my favorite food. Pizza with chicken wings was ever better. Pizza dipped in ranch? Like heaven. We had a free pizza coupon from Papa John's so I said fuck it...it's Halloween...I have to work tonight, let's just order a pizza. So, we grabbed it and brought it home. I put the glorious piece of pizza on my plate and noticed how greasy it looked, so I dabbed it with my napkin. I ate 3/4 of a slice and was full - completely satisfied. (But I don't lie...I ate another piece for my snack.)

I feel like crap. I feel like I cheated. I feel like hell. I feel like the carbs are just on overload right now. Too much fat. Too much grease. And allow me to tell you - without those chicken wings, without that ranch, without those two glasses of ice cold Diet Coke, dinner just sucked. I rather would of had a chicken breast and an ice water. Honestly. The pizza did nothing for me. I will remember this the next time I have a craving. And this is good.

What's bad? How hard I'm going to have to bust my ass at the gym tomorrow to burn off that nearly 700 calories of fucking pizza I just ate today. GROSS.

100, clothes, tattoo, weight loss

Things

So I finally did it. Lost 100 pounds. I wasn't sure if it was ever going to happen. I'm a really slow loser. My surgery was May 16th. 5 months to lose 100 pounds. I know I know. Some people think that's really good loss. I'm not one of those people. It frustrates me, because I know I can do better and do more. But that's an average loss of over 4 pounds a week. Much better than I've ever done on any diet, or eating/exercising plan. So, I'm happy with it. And, the fact that I'm wearing smaller clothes and getting compliments all the time is making it so worth it.

So what did I do when I lost my first 100 pounds? Well, I got myself a tattoo. I've been dying for a Hello Kitty tattoo for the longest time. And I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that my new stomach is named Godzilla. It's purely because of the dang noises it makes. It's like I have a monster living inside of my gut. So, Hello Kitty as Godzilla seemed pretty fucking perfect. She's adorable and perfect and I absolutely LOVE my new tattoo!!!!!

Last night, I was getting ready for bed, and noticed that holy cats...my pajama pants are really big. They were practically falling off, but I could still wear them. I thought let me try something here....and it worked. I fit into one pajama leg. All of me. I think I need some new jammies!

I just have to add one more thing before I go. I've had some people make comments to me that have truly been so meaningful, and so motivational for me. Here is a small sampling:

"you are lookin awesome! keep up the hard work and know that all your hard work is easy to see. you inspire me..."

"Be proud of yourself, I'm proud of you!!!"

"I'm in such awe of your accomplishments. One day you'll have to tell me how the "new" Kelly came to power. I would kill for your success"

"I wish I had your discipline. You've been working your ass off."

"You've been working so hard :) Just want to take a minute to say how awesome you look........but mostly how awesome you are!"

Seriously, knowing how many people are behind me, supporting me and cheering me on means the world to me. I never thought that people would even notice that I've been losing weight, or how hard I've worked, but I guess they have, and it feels good.

5K, exercise, failure, gym, race, walking

Dun dun dun...failure!

Well, that was interesting. Since July, I've been looking forward to running/walking in my first 5K. One of my personal goals - and items on my bucket list - is to participate in a 5K. But in my mind, I'd be able to jog more than walk. But, that didn't happen.

I started preparation in the gym a few months ago doing the Couch to 5K program. I hadn't ran since high school, and I graduated in '94. So it's been a REAL long time. I would jog 30 seconds or so and just not be able to jog any more. Then, I started working with my trainer, so I was no longer doing the couch to 5K program, but instead, I was doing strength training. I thought it'd be enough to finish this race, but not so much.

I had one goal. ONE FUCKING GOAL. Finish. That's it. I didn't care how it happened, I just wanted to finish. And I MOTHERFUCKING FAILED. :/

We got there this morning, and had to stand around an hour waiting for the race to start. The old me never would of been able to handle this, because my back would of been in so much pain, and it would of gone numb. Thankfully, since dropping 95 pounds, I don't suffer from that problem so much anymore. But, this morning, it was cold. I was cold. And after standing there an hour, my lower back was starting to feel it.

Right at 10, they lined up all the racers and let us loose. I remember commenting to my hubby "holy shit, look at how far up those runners are!" Yea...we were slow. The race was held at a cemetery and the road was not paved. It was loose gravel mixed in with rocks and stones. It was unstable and muddy from the rain. We walked the first mile in 16 minutes. I'm sure there were some people who ran the entire way around in that time frame, but I don't give a fuck. 16 minutes for me is a personal best. I can tell you that at the gym, on the treadmill, it usually takes me 22-25 minutes to go a mile. So, this for me was awesome.

Now, a 5K is 3.1 miles. By the time we got to the starting line (where we were supposed to walk around the entire thing a second time), we had walked 2.7 miles. So, I call shenanigans. It was NOT a true 5K, because one lap was 2.7 miles. And I was whooped. My back and knee were killing me. So, my husband and I said fuck it.

And? I feel like utter shit. I feel like a failure. Sure, I was "faster than everyone else who sat on the couch." Great. Big fucking deal. Sure, the "old me" would of been at home, on my couch, likely pigging out on something. Great. Big fucking deal.

I WANTED and NEEDED to at least finish today to feel successful, and I didn't do it. So now? I feel like shit and will only use this to fuel my fire. I will hit the gym harder next week. I will get on the treadmill and beat 2.7 miles in 44 minutes because now I know I can. I will not, ever again, take more than 16 minutes to walk a mile, because now I know I can. I have to do better!

My Sleeve and Me

Sometimes, I wish I could eat like a normal person. But, thanks to my sleeve, I cannot. I'm not complaining. I'm truly not. I'm happy with how things are turning out. I'm about 20 weeks out and my restriction is weird. Like...sometimes I can eat what I feel is a lot, and at other times, I can barely eat at all.

Last Friday, me and the fam went to Pizza Hut. Yep. Yours truly ate pizza. We ordered breadsticks (I ate one), and we each ordered a personal pan pizza. My guys gulped theirs down. I was able to eat 1.5 pieces. Which, I felt like was a lot. But, then I considered that for me, sometimes, bread products seem to behave like sliders. (And at other times, bread swells and I can't deal with it). But considering how I also ate most of a turkey burger on a lite bun (with most of the top portion of bun removed), I'd say bread is a slider for me. I know that crackers are, and cereal, so it makes sense that bread is.

Anyhow...I'm getting off topic. Back to Pizza Hut. I always talk about my former self, and my current self in regards to food. My former self would of made sure we ordered a double order of breadsticks, because I would of eaten at least 3. And for sure, we would of ordered a large pizza, because I would of packed away a good 3 slices. Also? I would of drank at least two glasses of Diet Coke with it. But the new me couldn't do that. And you know what? I was perfectly ok with that.

In 20 weeks, I've lost 90 pounds. That's pretty good, if you ask me. I have a completely different relationship with food than I did months ago. I don't eat because of the enjoyment I'll get from food. I eat because I have to, in order to survive. It's so different.

Tonight for dinner, my restriction was awesome. I mixed up a can of chicken (2 oz.) with 1 tbsp. low fat mayo, and then sliced a baby cucumber, a few mini heirloom tomatoes and threw a couple snow peas into the mix. Typically, I can pack away all that chicken. Tonight, not even close. It's funny how much it varies for me. Some days I'm so close to going over 800 calories, and I find myself obsessing about it. Other days, if I hit 600 it's a miracle. Funny how this sleeve business works!

Disney, loss, stall, tattoos, travel

Well well well...

So...I WAS stalled. Saturday, hubby and I went to Canadian bingo, and afterwards, hit a local Mexican joint that we haven't been to since around April or so. Now, typically when I go, I'll down more than half the basket of chips with salsa, chug a gigantic strawberry margarita and eat all my food. This was a completely different experience.

1. I drank iced tea, but only drank 2 sips of it. I hate not being allowed to drink while I eat, but I'm getting used to it.

2. I ate exactly 4 tortilla chips. Not half a basket, 4. They were delicious.

3. I ordered a gigantic burrito. I was able to eat about 5 bites of it. I took the rest home and had dinner that night, some for breakfast and wound up throwing the rest away. 4 meals for one low low price, boo ya!

I am convinced that a wee bit of carb loading, along with my swimming, broke my stall. I used to do my 38 laps, which is half a mile. Let me back that up. When I started in July, I'd do 1/4 a mile. Now? I'm doing 76 laps so I can swim a mile. It takes me awhile, but it burns around 1400 calories in the process. Combined with my weight training at the gym, I feel I'm making real progress. So much in so that I'm down 6 pounds since my last post. I'm 16 away from losing 100. And! I REALLY REALLY wanna get a reward tattoo when I hit 100 pounds but....

I also just booked a trip to Disney for the family. I haven't been in about 18 years. My son and husband have never been, so I'm super excited. I booked us a luxury condo that's about 2 miles from "The World". I think out of the 3 of us, I'm the most excited. Sure, my kid likes Disney, but not even remotely close to how much I do. I'm a bit obsessed. Always have been. And I adore my 5 Mickey Mouse tattoos. Our trip isn't until December of next year, so that gives me plenty of time to save $$ and to keep on shedding the fat!

after, before, fat, gym, loss, photo, stall

Stalled again. Grrrrr.

Being stalled has got to be one of the most frustrating things in the world. Pre-op, I didn't weigh myself. This was mostly due to the fact that the scale didn't go up as much as I weighed - the cut-off limit was 350 lbs. So, I couldn't weigh myself even if I wanted to. I'd get weighed at the doctors, but tell them not to tell me.

Anyhow, now that I CAN weigh myself, I do it every single morning, like clockwork. I really shouldn't, because all it does is drive me nuts. BUT! When I am stalled, it alerts me to this so I can make adjustments.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, y'all. I am having my ass handed to my by my personal trainer at the gym. She works me GOOD. I swim laps three times a week, for at least an hour at a time. I am getting at a minimum, 60g of protein a day. This was my nutrioninst's minimum daily recommendation. Now, I was in her office last week all in a panic, over my carb intake. Because I have days where my carbs equal my protein. But, she told me that 90g of carbs is my limit. And, she would like to see my up my protein, so I do know that I need to do that. It's just so hard. The food addict in me still wants everything to come from food, not supplements.

Arrggghh.

Chugging along...

I feel like I've got nothing to update about, but I haven't updated in awhile. Weight loss is going ok, I think. I'm pretty close to 80 lbs. lost. When I lost 100, I'm FINALLY getting my Hello Kitty reward tattoo. I hope it happens soon. The pool/gym are going well. The gym nearly kicked my ass this morning. I usually eat some carbs in the morning before I go - my breakfast of choice is Cheerios. Today I decided ah, let me try some oatmeal. Oatmeal is one of those foods that I REALLY want to like. Unfortunately, I do not. I ate maybe two spoonfuls of it, if that. And literally, at the gym, had zero energy to work out. In fact, I had to sit down twice because I almost passed out. I really hate that light-headed feeling. It's no bueno.

Tomorrow my baby starts 5th grade. I'm thinking my gym/swim schedule will change a bit. Right now, Monday, Wednesday and Friday first thing in the morning, we swim, and Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday are gym days. I am thinking that I'll keep swimming in the mornings with my husband, but then in the afternoons after school on non-swim days, me and bub can swim, so on those days, I'll work out twice. Any little thing I can do to burn some extra calories, tone and get fit works for me.

fitness, gym, personal trainer, TRX

Torture Rack

Ever see a TRX at a gym? The "T-Rex" as an old trainer lovingly referred to it. I refer to it simply as "torture rack". My very first experience with this machine from hell was the first time I worked out in the gym. Vince was the trainer. He was big and muscular and a dick. He had me doing squats and lunges and all sorts of things. And after 10 minutes, my legs were jello. I had a hard time walking. I left the gym after that, sat in my car and cried. I cried because I was in pain. I cried because I was ashamed that my weight got so out of hand I couldn't handle the TRX. I just cried out of frustration.

After that, I walked funny for nearly a week. It was bad. Really bad. And I hated the gym. That experience made me hate going. I DREADED sessions with my personal trainer, because I was so scared he'd make me use the TRX again.

About a week or so ago, I was minding my own business on the treadmill. One of the new trainers came over to me and we got to chatting. We talked about my goals at the gym, and we talked about my surgery. She asked if I'd want to work out with her, and I did. I went into my session with her knowing full well I didn't want to work with a trainer again. For one, it's expensive. $40 a week. That's a lot of money for me. Second, I just want to go in, do my thing, and leave. I don't want to work with a trainer and have to deal with it. I just don't. My first go-round with a trainer just didn't work out for me so well. When my new trainer took me over to the torture rack, all I could think was OH.MY.GOD.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.YOU.SKINNY.BITCH.DIE.

We did squats. And lunges. And these weirdo suspension push-ups. And suspension bicep curls. And! I even got my fat ass down on the gym floor and did crunches. And my trainer? She's awesomesauce. I fought wanting to work with a trainer again, but we just really gelled together. And truth be told, I can really use the help at the gym.

She kicked my ASS on the TRX! Later that day I could just feel the soreness in my muscles. And when I woke up the next day? Let's just say it took everything in me to suck it up and go to the pool, soreness and all, but I did. I was incredibly sore for the next two days, but sucked it up. And yesterday we even had another training session. She's kicking my ass, but pushing me and my body to do things that I know it can do...that I want it to do.

And, with my personal training comes nutrition counseling as well. I have a web site to log into to log everything, and she can check in on me and see how I'm doing. Probably the worst part about yesterday was being weight, in the gym. Oh, and then she took my measurements. To her credit, she did ask me if I'd be more comfortable doing it secluded in the locker room but I just don't care anymore. I don't. I used to care. I used to be SO self conscious walking into that gym, but I no longer care. I belong there just as much as those lunk heads do, and I'll be damned if I'm going to walk around all uncomfortable in the gym. Fuck it. I pay my dues, it's my gym too. And I just.don't.care.

So that's where I'm at. Today, I'm wicked sore from my workout again. Thighs, butt, arms...all killing me, but it's good because I know I'm working, and I hope to goodness this helps speed things along!

exercise, inches, loss, pounds, progress, weight loss

3 Months...

Today marks three months since my life transformation. Or, we can call it my 3-month surgiversary. But truly, I prefer life transformation.

Things have gotten a bit easier, diet wise. I no longer feel the need to consult my handbook every single hour to make sure what I'm eating is ok. I like to think I have an ok grasp on my nutrition. However, I am going to see my NUT in a few weeks to just go over a couple things. In my mind, my carb intake is ok, because I don't necessarily count carbs from fruit. But, I feel like I could be losing weight quicker, so maybe I need to cut the fruit out until I'm in maintenance. I don't know. That's why I'm going to a professional - so she can analyze my diet and tell me which direction she'd like to see me go.

So, where am I? Progress wise, I'm a bit behind where I personally would like to see myself. My surgeon seemed pleased with my progress. I haven't asked him to give me a goal, or a deadline, because quite frankly, I don't want to feel that pressure. I read so many people on the support boards FREAKING out because they're a few pounds shy of their surgeons goal. I have enough stress in my life. I don't need any more.

Pound wise, in three months I have dropped 71 pounds. It seems so...small. But, it averages out to be 23.6 pounds a month and I'm still almost close to a pound a day. I just wish I WAS losing a pound a day. The whole carb thing again. So 71 pounds gone. Forever. I guess I shouldn't complain. I've NEVER lost this much weight before, ever, so it feels really good!!

Inches wise, I think I'm making the most progress. Since surgery, I've lost a complete total of 52.5 inches. 7 inches of that came off my waist, which leads me to my next victory - being down 2 sizes. A lot of my old pre-surgical pants fall right off of me now. I tried on a pair of jeans the other day and there's just no way. Even with a belt, there is just no way. I just got into my size 26's and found a pair of really cute capris in my closet that were a 24. I figured I'd try them on just to see how long I'd have before they would fit, and they zipped right up. Woo woo hoo!!

A few short term goals that I have:

1. Lose 75 pounds. 75 sounds like a killer number. Then 80. Cannot wait to say that. What I REALLY can't wait for is to say "I've lost 100 pounds". Wow. How awesome will that be?

2. Get into a size 22 pant. Then a 20. I won't truly be happy until I'm in an 18 though. I don't ever recall being in that size. In 7th grade, I was wearing a size 20 jean, so....

3. Keep busting ass at the gym. I've got the green light to get back into lifting, so my upper and lower body can really get an ass-kicking. I cannot wait to start incorporating the weight training with everything else I'm doing.

Here's to the next 3 months!!

inches, loss, size

I don't know...

Lately I've been feeling frustrated. I don't know if I'm actually doing ok with my sleeve, or if I need a lot more work at getting good at living with it. I'm not losing weight as quickly as I'd like to. Yes, I'm a glass half empty person. I try not to be, but I am. It's just how I was made. It's been almost three months since my surgery, and I've lost just shy of 70 pounds. It doesn't feel like three months, but yet it seems longer. But 70 pounds? That's it? C'mon. That hardly seems like much. Then again, when you average it out, it's like nearly 5 pounds a week. So when you put it that way, it sounds good. See what I mean? I flip flop like this every single day.

I am busting my ass physically. I swim at least three times a week. And I'm at the gym at least three times a week. I feel like I've come a long long way from before surgery, when all I did was sit on my ass.

I am losing inches. I've taken almost 7 inches off of my waist along. I went from a size 28 down to a 26 and today I was able to get on my 24's comfortably. This was awesome for me, because I literally just got into 26's like two weeks ago. I've noticed that my 28's I can no longer wear; they fall right down, and my 26's were feeling a bit big, leading me to try on the 24's.

So this is progress. Down two sizes in three months. Down 52 overall inches. Yes. 52. I realize that's over 4 feet. Can you fucking believe it??!!??!! And down about 70 pounds. I just WISH the loss were noticeable. That's all. It's pity party day.

dehydration, Journey, Rascal Flatts, travel

Water. And Rascal Flatts

Woo. I just came off of an awesome mother-freakin' weekend. I mean...it was awesome. Thursday, I was able to cross something off of my bucket list. My husband and I got to see Journey in concert. But, this was no ordinary concert. Ohhhhh no. For on Thursday, they were sharing the bill with my all-time favorites, Rascal Flatts. Yep. It was heaven on earth.

For those of you who are Journey fans, I have to tell you, Arnel Pineda is one of the most energetic front men I've EVER seen live in concert, and I've seen a lot. First and foremost, I don't understand how he's 45 years old. Seriously. Look at him! Amazeballs. Just proof that if you take good care of yourself, you too can look young :) He blew me away and he was just awesomesauce.

The whole band looks good, actually. For being around as long as they have, it's crazy. They sounded perfect. They played all the Journey songs I wanted to hear and then some. I'm telling you, the night was glorious!

Of course, after seeing Journey, the night only got better when I got to see Rascal Flatts. Nothing is ever better than that. They are my heroes...my inspiration. These guys have the biggest hearts. They are so kind and so humble. I've been fortunate enough to meet them several times and I just love them to no end. Many people don't understand my "obsession" with them. They inspire me...they are just everything. It was a great night. And I'm lucky enough to see them again in September and October. Wooooo hoo!

So, the concert was in Hershey, PA, which is a 6 hour drive from where we live. It was a really long day. We left at 8am, got into Hershey, ate some lunch/dinner, checked into the hotel, and pretty much left for the concert, since it started at 5:30. (Yes...not only was it a long drive, but a long concert...The Band Perry opened, Journey played for 1.5 hours, then Flatts played for 1.5 hours..so it was well worth it). But, still a long day. By the time we got back to the hotel after the show, it was nearing 2 am and I still needed to shower and eat something.

This was the first time I had traveled anywhere since getting sleeved. I thought I was prepared, but I was not. For breakfast, I ate half of a Quest protein bar. I drank bottles of water in the car on the ride down. We didn't stop for food, because we kept thinking maybe the next exit...maybe at the hotel...maybe maybe maybe. When we finally got into Hershey, we went to Outback and I got a grilled chicken breast but could only eat half (it was 5 ounces). After dinner, I just had a bad headache and was exhausted from the drive, but was anxious and excited for the concert. It was hotter than balls out that day...I mean frikkin hot. We got to the show and took our seats and I just had sweat dripping down my back. It was so gross. I drank two more bottles of water at the show and at one point was *this* close to just pouring a bottle down my shirt.

My headache kept getting worse and about halfway though Journey's set, I realized holy crap, I have no energy left. Between the heat and not eating most of the day (at this point in the day, around 7pm, all I had eaten was that half protein bar and half chicken breast)...I was frikkin spent. Also? I was dehydrated. My feet were cramping so badly, I had to sit down. Anyone who knows me knows that I do NOT ever sit down at a concert. Ever. Nope. I'm up shaking my ass, singing along the entire time. I just couldn't do it. I felt like crap.

Once we got back to the hotel room, I ate the other half of my chicken breast. Let me tell you...Godzilla was NOT pleased with me at all. I took a shower after that, then went to bed. Yea. Me and Godzilla tossed and turned for a good two hours because he just wouldn't stop with the gurgling. It wasn't until I got out of bed and let out a burp that he finally settled down. Damn sleeve.

Anyhow...lesson learned on my trip. Next time I go anywhere, I've got to keep a better eating schedule. And drink more water. Even when I think I'm doing ok with it, I'm not. and dehydrating was absolutely NO fun!

diets, food, progress, weight loss

Missing Things

During my weight loss journey, there are several things that I have successfully given up. These are things I've tried and tried like heck before to give up before, but was never able to. I was too weak to give these things up. They controlled my life. They controlled my mind. They consumed my thoughts, and helped me pile on the pounds. And yet, I still miss some of these things. So, here's my list of things I REALLY miss.

1. Pizza. Thick, doughy pizza, with extra sauce, crispy pepperoni, mushrooms and sauce.
2. Chicken wings. REAL Buffalo wings y'all. And I'm sorry, the rest of the country thinks they can make them, but they cannot. You just can't.
3. Baked potatoes. I haven't touched a potato in months. That's a lie. Since my surgery, I've eaten exactly 4 french fries. But I make the best baked potatoes (and mashed) ever, so I miss them.
4. Big fat cheeseburgers. BBQ burgers. My BBQ burgers could win an award they're so good. And I miss them.
5. For the locals, eating Costanzo's rolls. The other night, we went to Jim's Steakout. I had a grilled chicken sandwich and it felt like a sin to toss the Costanzo's roll. I nearly cried.
6. Doughnuts.
7. Bagels.
8. Rice. Rice and beans. NOLA style. Yum.
9. Most carbs.
10. McDonald's. Truly. It's delicious. But so so so bad.
11. And more than ANYTHING, I miss Diet Coke. I crave it constantly, especially since nothing still tastes good to drink to me :(

There's more. I'm sure there's more. But that's what I'm missing right now. Want to know what I don't miss?

1. Constant back pain. It got to the point where even walking through the grocery store was kicking my ass.
2. Chronic migraines. Since my blood pressure has gone down, and since cutting out a majority of the sugar in my diet, I have yet to have a migraine.
3. Feeling tired, all of the damn time.
4. Having a tough time maneuvering or doing certain things.
5. Being out of breath walking up my stairs.
6. Being frustrated that NOTHING in my closet fits.
7. Trying on clothes in a store and leaving in tears because I couldn't find anything that didn't make me look like a stuffed sausage.
8. Feeling SO self conscious - feeling like everyone was starting at the fat person in the room.

And for this week's OH MY GOD HOW AWESOME IS THIS moment...

It's official.

I am FINALLY under 300 pounds. I cried when I stepped on the scale the other day. I literally stood there, grinning like a pig eating shit, and just cried. It was so awesome. I never thought I'd be under 300 again. I really didn't. I just resigned myself to the fact that I'd be this big the rest of my life. Because really, I had tried so many things, so many diets, so many exercise gimmicks - and I failed at all of them. But now? I feel alive y'all. For the first time in a REALLY long time. I feel like maybe I can actually make it this time!

5K, size, starbucks

Off My Rocker

Lost 61 lbs...woo woo! I am very excited to be well on my way to my mini-goal of 75 pounds. I don't know why, but 75 just sounds like an awesome mini-goal number. Today bubby and I did swimming, and it was so disappointing. We were late getting to the pool, because I had to run into the office for a bit. (Which, was great, because I got to see a few of my friends who I've missed so much). But anyhow, got to the pool late and encountered all sorts of rude-ass people this morning. I didn't get my laps in the way I wanted to, and it pissed me off.

Yesterday I went through my closet to see if I had some pants that fit. I've got the ones in my standard rotation, but they're all too big. So I've officially gone down a size, and discovered all sorts of goodies in my closet that fit me now. That made my day!

This morning after swimming, bubby and I took a wee scoot over to Starbucks. I've been dying for a flippin iced coffee for weeks now, but have held out. My typical pre-surgery Starbucks order consisted of a Venti Mocha Frap, no whip, whole milk, with an extra shot of espresso. That turned out to be around 400 calories, 6g of fat, and 80 mother-fucking grams of carbs. What in the hell?

I knew I wasn't going to be drinking that today. Nope. Today I drank a tall iced skinny mocha. This delicious baby came in at 70 calories, with just 9g of carbs, and 1g of fat. It was DELICIOUS. My son ordered a tall mocha frap. I took one sip and was just disgusted. It was much too sweet for me. I've found a new friend in my tall iced coffee! It was a complete victory for me.

Oh, and in case you were wondering about me being off my rocker? I signed myself up for a 5K race today. I don't run. Hell, I don't even jog. Or walk super fast. But I still did it. I decided to just bite the bullet. My husband and I are running the race, and my mom and son are doing the 1-mile "fun family walk". Tomorrow at the gym, I'd better start getting my ass prepared for this!

fitbit, gym, muscles, progress, squats, tone, workout

Feeling F-I-N-E

It's been a long time coming. A long time. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I felt like this. Felt...good. And shouldn't we all feel good? I mean....we get one life. And we get one body. We should feel good!!

And to be honest, I feel FAN-FLIPPING-TASTIC. I do. My weight loss could be faster. I could eat more protein. I can make some improvements. But compared to two months ago? I feel like a completely different person. This person, the one writing this right now, feels like someone else.

I am someone who LOVES to wake up each morning and go work out. Whether it's a pool day, or a gym day, I love it. I love how I feel when I'm done. Accomplished. Energized. I love seeing my progress. I love everything about it.

I bought myself a FitBit so I could track my steps and what not. There are days when it's difficult for me to get in as many as I'd like, because I work from home. And on swim days, unfortunately, it looks like I'm very inactive, which isn't true at all. But that's besides the point...

I also started the 30-day squat challenge. Today was my day #9 and on tap for today was 100 squats. I did 30 before my shower, 30 after my shower, and 40 while I was waiting for my lunch to finish cooking. I am feeling VERY accomplished with this challenge. If you told me two weeks ago that I'd be working out like this, AND doing squats, I'd of told you to take a shit for yourself.

Oh! And one more THRILLING victory! I have these 5 lb. hand weights at home. 5 lbs. doesn't sound like much, but for right now, it's all I need. I use those and work my arms every day. So, I'm looking in the mirror the other day and thinking to myself hhmm...my arms are looking better. So I hold up my arm and flex my bicep. I nearly DIED when I was able to see the tone in my arms! I AM BUILDING MUSCLE TONE PEOPLE! To some that might not seem like such a big deal, but to me, it means that what I'm doing is working. I am a happy girl and I FEEL GOOD!

loss, photos, stall

2 Months

Tuesday will mark two months since my surgery. How my life has changed. Two months ago, I was eating. A lot. Calories, carbs and fat - in unlimited amounts. I ate to my hearts content. I drank a 2-liter of either Diet Coke or Cherry Coke every single day. I ate king size candy bars, and bags of M&M's and then I'd look at myself in the mirror and be SO disgusted with myself. We'd order take out, or go through the drive-thru at least 3 times a week, and that wasn't even including how many times a week I went out for breakfast at Timmy Ho's or Starbucks. Yes - life was different.

Today? I eat well under 800 calories a day. Most days, I'm around 650, actually. Two months ago that was what - half a meal?

Two months ago, I sat on my ass. A lot. I had a gym membership, but I was too self-conscious to actually go to the gym. Today? Wow, that's changed. 3-4 times a week I swim laps for an hour, and 2-3 times a week I do my cardio and strength training at the gym. I am also doing this 30-day squat challenge one of my friends got me into. Today was an off-day, thank goodness, because my thighs were certainly feeling it today. I feel SO much better about myself than I did two months ago. I feel alive again. My mom saw me on Friday and she told me that even my whole aura has changed. My pants are all too big (but I still wear them). I can actually see a difference in my face now. I'm still packing quite the double chin, but it's better than it was back in May.

I am only down 56 pounds. I say only because I had an agonizing stall. A stall that lasted nearly 3-4 weeks. I've still lost about 38 inches all together, over my entire body, though, so I guess I'll take it!

fitbit, measurements, MFP, my fitness pal, stall, weight loss

Loser

Life is good. Life is BUSY. I'm adjusting to my new schedule. I am blessed enough to be able to work from home. But, every morning, we get up and either head to the aquatic center to swim laps for an hour, or we hit the gym. We alternate days, and it works out well because I don't wind up getting bored. Truth be told, I would be just as happy swimming every day, but my husband loves the gym, so we compromise. It'll be interesting to see how the schedule works once Bubby goes back to school in September. God help me if my husband goes back onto day shift, because I don't know that I have the balls to swim all by my lonesome. The gym is one thing..but the pool? Aye.

So, I'm about 8 weeks out now from my surgery. I'm learning to eat different foods and see how Godzilla takes them. The other day I went to Subway and got a chopped salad. Godzilla was NOT happy. Guess it's too soon. I didn't do lettuce, but I did do spinach and my other veggies. It was really tasty, but not worth the grumbly in my tumbly.

I stalled for about 4 weeks, and that time was awful. I've figured out that my weight loss equals about how many days it's been since my surgery, so overall, I'm losing about a pound a day, but I secretly wish it were more. I've been pretty faithful with tracking in MFP. I also went and got a Fitbit Zip last night so I can track my steps and calories burned a bit more accurately.

Despite being stalled, I still lost some inches. Not nearly as many as I did during the first month, but at least it was something. All in all, since surgery, I have lost 38.5 total inches off of my body. This is a very very good thing. I am still so far from where I need to be, but I try not to look at that, but rather smaller mini goals. My next goal is 60 pounds lost...then 75. All of my pants are too big on me, but I'm not quite yet in the next size down, so that's another goal too. Baby steps!

NSV

NSV's

This is gonna be a short post...but I just wanted to share a few small NSV's that I've experienced here lately.

1. ALL the pants I own/wear in regular rotation are too big for me. I either need to stop being lazy and clean my closet, and see what else is in there for me to wear, get a belt (yuck, hate belts), or go shopping. My most favorite pair of capris either is completely un-wearable. They completely fall down when I walk. Woo hoo!

2. I was able to finally move up the driver's seat a few inches in my van. It was never my belly that was in the way, but my fucking ginorma ass. My big butt is always the trouble!

3. I didn't get out of breath on the treadmill today at the gym. I got on, did my 2nd day Power Walk app walk, and it was fine. Never once was I out of breath. VICTORY.

4. I actually CRAVE exercise now. I know tomorrow morning is pool day. And there are no words for how excited I am. I would live in the water if I was able to. Now that my son will be home next week, I'll swim every day. My husband doesn't like to miss the gym - which I can give or take. Swimming is where my heart is at. I wish I were swimming this very second. Ahh I love it! And also, I have to say, I'm a lot more comfortable walking around that aquatic center in my bathing suit than I thought I'd be. I've adopted an "I don't give a flying fuck" attitude. If you don't wanna see the cellulite on my thighs, my big floppy arms, my ass and belly, then don't look at me. It's that simple. :)

apps, exercise, food

Reasons Why

I am so happy that I FINALLY decided to go ahead and have this weight loss surgery. There were so many times when I thought "I want to have it done", but I chickened out. It was like that with my tonsils too. I actually saw three doctors before I just sucked it up, pulled up my big girl panties, and had it done. When I went to see my second ENT doctor for my tonsils, the Dr. actually said to me "The reason your tonsils are so inflamed is because you are so porked out." He ACTUALLY used the words porked out. Who in the hell does that?

Anyhow...this surgery, this tool...hell this gift I've been given, it's tremendous. I am feeling so much better about myself these days. I've lost just about 53 pounds now. 53 pounds y'all! A large bag of dog food weighs 50 pounds. Checked airport luggage weights 50 pounds. That's a TON of weight, and I couldn't be more happy with my progress.

One reason I'm so happy is because my relationship with food the past two months has drastically changed. I'm officially a label reader. Last week my son and I went grocery shopping and it took me forever because I was stopping to read labels on everything I purchased. Oh, and my son now looks at labels too and it becoming more carb/calorie/far/protein conscious. I love that!!

Another reason I'm so happy is because I've found my fitness groove again. A year and a half ago my husband and I joined a gym. I went regularly, then stopped. Long story...pretty sure I've already discussed it before. Anyhow, this week? Found my fitness groove again. We alternate days between doing laps at the pool, and hitting the gym. Today is an off day, which makes me happy. But I can't wait to get back at it tomorrow. And, I've found a few apps which help me stay motivated and keep me interested. The first one is Gym Pact. This is an app you can download on your iPhone or Android phone. You basically tell the app how many times a week you'll work out, and how much you're willing to pay for every workout you miss. When you hit the gym, you check in and check out once you're done, 30 minutes minimum. Make your pact and you don't have to pay for any missed check-ins, and you're also rewarded...with money. And who isn't motivated by money?

PowerWalk is another app I use. This worked perfectly for me on the treadmill at the gym. It's a 12 week walking program that takes you from a 25 minute walk to a 60 minute walk. My goal for the end of this program is to increase to jogging once I can lose a bit more weight and increase my cardio.

One last reason I'm super happy is because I'm eating so much less these days. Why does this make me happy? Because food no longer makes me feel weighted down. It no longer makes me feel bad about myself. It no longer makes me feel anything but satisfied. I don't look to food to fill a void, because I know it no longer will. And this is a good thing.

milestone, stall, swimming, weight loss

Woo hoo hooooooo!!

Oh yea baby! Not only is my stall broken, but I hit a milestone today. Not only have I lost 50 pounds, but I threw in one more for good measure. Yeoow! 51 lbs. gone for good. It feels SO damn good too. I feel a huge sense of accomplishment today.

This morning, I got my son and hubby up bright and early at 6:30. I don't know who was more miserable...my hubby, who is used to getting up at 8, or my little man. But once they were both up and we were out the door, we were all fine. We went and swam this morning, and I was actually putting in quite a bit of effort...doing "real" swimming laps. Not those doggy paddle or tread water back and forth type of laps, but the type of freestyle laps you see at swim meets. Yea, I still got game. We actually swam for a full hour today, which made me feel even more accomplished than I already did.

My new short term goal is another 5 lbs. gone. Longer term goal, 75 lbs. gone. Even better than that will be when I'm FINALLY into two-ville. I cannot frikkin wait, and I'm sooooooo close I can see it! Soon...soon!!

constipation, exercise, stall, stress, weight loss

What a week!!

Ugh what a week. I'm so damn glad it's about over. Monday our internet went down. This is usually not a big deal, but now since I work from home, it's a VERY big deal. We didn't get it back until freakin Wednesday. So that's put me quite behind on my hours for the week. Dammit.

Diet wise, things are going ok. I'm 2 pounds shy of losing my first 50. I've been stalled for nearly a month. I'm pretty sure the weight I lost was poop. Sparing a majority of the details, constipation has gotten the better of me. BIG TIME. Last night was pretty much the worst night of my life, and I never EVER want to endure that pain ever again.

I've been meaning to get on here and post a few more protein bar reviews...I've tried some really tasty ones! I was so utterly disappointed in the Quest Banana Nut Muffin ones. I really wanted to like them, but they tasted like ass, so the bar promptly got thrown away. Very disappointing.

What else...oh! My family joined the aquatic center. I love swimming, it's always been one of my favorite forms of exercise, but we never have anywhere to swim. My son was on the school swim team last year and loved it so much, but he does need some improvement, so I got him signed up for swim lessons there, and then signed up for a family membership as well. I cannot wait to start tomorrow. I'm seriously stoked about this!!

bacon, chicken, low carb, pizza, recipe, zucchini

Food...it's good

I've been getting really tired of eating the same old thing, over and over again. I'm always looking for something new, something protein packed and low carb, and something quick and easy. Yesterday was food experimentation day in my house, and I've found two winners!

The first one winner would be these amazeballs chicken and bacon wraps. My recipe was tweaked a bit. First of all, it's 20 ounces of boneless, skinless chicken breast, cut into 1" cubes. Then, I used a pound of Wegman's brand organic uncured turkey bacon. The original recipe called for "real" bacon, but this stuff was out of this world, and tasted like ham. And the third and final ingredient was one packet of dry Hidden Valley ranch dressing mix. You coat the chicken in the ranch, wrap it in the bacon, which you cut into thirds, and secure with a toothpick. I baked them in a 375 degree oven for 35 minutes. Each wrap has 38 calories, 1g carb, and 6g protein. I ate 4 of them. My husband ate, oh,maybe a dozen or so?

And dinner? Allow me to say OMG. I've been dying for pizza. The gooey cheese, the pepperoni, the sauce....yum. Do I miss the dough/crust? Yea, sometimes. There's nothing like a greasy slab of pizza, dipped into ranch dressing. Yea, that's why I'm fat. Anyhow, I took a zucchini and sliced it in half lengthwise, and then again lengthwise until I had 4 strips. I used 1/4 cup of pizza sauce, and spread it on all 4, used about 1/3 cup of mozzarella cheese and 10 slices of pepperoni, diced and dived among the 4. I baked this in a 400 degree oven for about 20 minutes. I like when my cheese is golden brown and starts to get all crusty like on the edges. The only thing that would of make this more perfect would be mushrooms. Oh and maybe onions. One slice of my zucchini pizza is 80 calories, with 3g of carbs and 4g of protein. I never promised a protein-packed powerhouse with this one. But it surely was a tasty treat!!

apple pie, product review, protein, Quest

Product Review: Quest Protein Bar - Apple Pie

In my never-ending "Quest" (ha!!) to find the perfect protein source, I stumbled upon these bars. I had read a lot of reviews and posts about them over at Obesity Help. I thought, well, if so many people like these, they must be good. Of course, that same line of thinking is why I have a tub of Unjury collecting dust in my kitchen. But I digress. This bar was a much less expensive investment to try.

First of all, I love apple pie. Cold, room temperature, heated...I don't discriminate. I love it. So I was the most excited to try this flavor. I have a few other flavors to try, but this one...this one was gonna be money, I just knew it.

Apparently, there are only 6 non-fiber grams of carbs in these bars. I still don't have a firm grasp on carbs -vs- net carbs, and in My Fitness Pal, I count all carbs. But, I do feel better knowing that truly, I did not consume 24g of carbs in eating this bar.

The first thing that I noticed about the bar is how dense it is. It's really chewy, and well, dense. I've heard that you can microwave it for a few seconds and it's supposed to be heavenly. That's something I'll have to try next time. I was already logged into work on my lap top and honestly, too lazy to get up and heat it. Besides, I was enjoying it as is. So, it's dense and chewy. But then, oh.my.gosh...yes! Real pieces of apple! It was a nice change from the typical protein bar that's coated in a nasty-ass faux chocolate. There's none of that here.

This bar gets a 9 out of 10. For sure. This will be my go-to bar of choice. It was refreshing with the apple, and you definitely cannot argue with 20g of protein. Very good flavor, no funky smell, no funky aftertaste. This one is definitely a winner and will for sure be going into my protein bar rotation.

product review, protein

Product Review: Power Crunch Protein Energy Bar

I really struggle with the protein some days. I have issues with the protein shakes. The main issue is they make me gag. I just can't get them down. Once I smell them, it's all over. And I know the trick about drinking out of a cup with a lid so you don't smell it. But let's be honest...you smell it. The other problem I have is that my taste buds change literally day to day. I bought a tub of Unjury after my surgery, and drank it two or three times with no problem what so ever. Now? I cannot even stand to look at my tub, because the taste just nauseates me soooooo badly.

So, I struggle with getting in enough protein. I decided to give protein bars a go, and see if maybe I can replace a meal or snack with one of these, to boost my protein a bit. Today my son and I made a wee trip to the Vitamin Shoppe to suss out their selection of protein bars. I walked out with 10 bars to try, and yes, I'm going to be one of those people who writes about them here.

First on deck? This baby. Power Crunch protein energy bar, in peanut butter fudge flavor. The package makes it looks really delicious; sort of reminds me of a nutty bar, and those things are like crack to me. Soooo flippin good. There's just something about chocolate, peanut butter and wafers that hits the sweet spot.

Obviously, that's what appealed the most to me; the look of the bar on the package and the advertised flavors. I've gotta tell you, it's certainly no nutty bar, but I don't hate it. There is ZERO funky protein smell, so no stomach turning feelings here. That's huge. The flavors and texture are nice. There is real peanut butter, at least according to the ingredient label, but I feel like that flavors gets lost by the faux chocolate coating on the bar. The bar is nice and crispy and it breaks down into a nice texture while you chew. Despite it not being real chocolate, or lacking some strong peanut butter flavor, this bar is pretty good. I would definitely eat it again, and that is saying a lot.

Overall, I'd have to rate this bar a 7 out of 10. It's not something I'd crave, necessarily, but it did the job. I got 13 grams of protein which isn't exactly high, it did what I needed it to do...give me a little boost. I will definitely be trying the other flavors that this bar comes in. Those flavors include: Triple Chocolate, French Vanilla Creme, Peanut Butter Creme, Cookies and Creme and Wildberry Creme.

chicken, low carb, protein, recipe

Chicken "Muffins"

If there is one thing you should know about me, it's that I'm completely, utterly, hopelessly addicted to Pinterest. I find THE coolest shit there. From recipes, to crafts, to..well..everything!

Last night I was looking at low carb food, and came across these chicken muffins. I made them for dinner tonight and they were soooo good.

Here is the recipe, for the curious...

1 lb. ground chicken
2 egg whites
1/2 cup quick cook oats
1/4 tsp ground cumin
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
1/4 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp salt
1 clove minced garlic
1/2 small onion, chopped
Shredded part skim mozzarella cheese

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees
Spray a non-stick cupcake pan with your nonstick spray
Mix all ingredients together in a bowl, minus the cheese.
Roll into balls, and put into your cupcake pan
Put a pinch of cheese on top of each ball (I probably used 2 tbsp. in total, for all 12 muffins)

Bake for 40 minutes. Chow down.

A serving size for a male is 4 of these, and 2 for a female. I could only eat 1 1/2 of them, a month out of my VSG.

I ran these through My Fitness Pal, and here's what I got, calling a serving 2 muffins...

168 calories
6g carbs
8g fat
25g protein
106g sodium
1g sugar

I didn't think it was too bad. The muffins are really good; lots of flavor and spice. I'd like to cut down on the spiciness next time (it gives me wicked heartburn/indigestion), and add some shredded carrots and zucchini to the mixture. You can add more cheese on top, but I'm not a big cheese fan so that's why I went so light on it.

calories, food, protein

Meals

What a difference a few weeks makes. I'm talking about pre-op versus post-op meals. My very last meal before my pre-op diet? It was from Five Guys. It was a delicious, greasy fat-laden double bacon cheeseburger, with lettuce, tomato, mayo and ketchup, and a regular french fry. Oh, and a large Diet Coke.

I will be the very first to admit. Sometimes, I REALLY miss eating shit like this. I do. French Fries are probably my biggest vice on the face of the planet. And I'm sorry, but probably the only thing better than a bacon cheeseburger is pizza.

I am bringing this up now because today for lunch, I had a cheeseburger. But it's not what you think.

First, let's discuss the "nutrition" in the above meal, shall we?

Bacon Cheeseburger

920 calories (gross!!)
62 grams of fat (can we say clogged arteries??)
180 mg of cholesterol (no wonder I was on Lipitor!!)
1310 mg of sodium (and 2 blood pressure medications)
40g carbs
51g protein

Regular Fries

953 calories (more calories than my burger...and this one time, I got the regular size, not my standard large!!)
41 grams of fat
962 mg of sodium
131g carbs
15g protein

Large Diet Coke

Wow. That's quite the meal huh? 1873 mother-fucking calories. I mean really. Was that necessary? But that's how I ate. ALL of the time. Like, every meal was an event for me. I'd go to Tim Horton's for breakfast and get a BLT bagel with a large iced mocha latte. Or, I'd go to Chipotle for dinner and order a burrito bowl with double rice, and double meat and get the chips and salsa for a snack after dinner. Of course, I'd wash that all down with a few Diet or Cherry Cokes. And let's not forget about the standard Hershey bar for dessert.

Well duh. No wonder I got so big. I look back now and I'm just disgusted. It plays in my mind like a bad book. You ever see those shows with the really large obese people and they talk about how much they eat and you can't help but feel disgusted because it seems like so much? Yea. Well, try taking stock of what you do eat, or used to eat and I promise, the eyes will fly wide open!

So back to today's lunch. My cheeseburger. I made turkey burgers for the boys, and I wanted one too, since they're on my list of soft foods. Mine was sans bun, which I did not miss at all. I melted a Weight Watchers cheese single on top, and dipped my bites into 1/2 tablespoon of ketchup. I was able to finish 2/3 of my burger. Here's what my meal weighed in at:

2/3 Jennie-O Turkey Burger

130 calories
7 grams of fat
0 carbs
18 grams of protein

2/3 slice Weight Watchers Cheese Single

20 calories
2 grams of fat
1g carbs
3g protein

150 calories for a meal, compared to 1873. And after the meal I had today, I don't feel sick to my stomach or so stuffed that all I can do is lie on my couch for a few hours to let it digest. Because after my last meal, I was stuffed. I literally couldn't move off of my couch that night, because of how packed I was.

But today, I feel satisfied, not stuffed. And the burger was DELICIOUS.

I love my sleeve!!

heartburn

OMFG...the burn

Ugh, not having a good time today with the heartburn. There are days when it's just unbearable...like today. The last time I got hit with the major heartburn bug, I had pureed some chicken, and added pasta sauce and melted parm cheese on top to make a chicken parm puree. I ate half of it and then Godzilla decided nope, no tomatoes for you today sister. And I was done. That night, and the following day, my heartburn was frikkin BRUTAL.

It's been bearable since then. Every once in awhile, I'll eat a Tums or two after a meal, just to calm things down. But today, nothing is working.

Last night, I opened a can of chili and pureed it. I ate one bite and felt the burn the whole way down. I thought ok, maybe one more bite, just to be sure. Yea, I was sure. And the chili wound up going into the freezer. The only thing that I think can maybe be causing this major flare up today is 1) the Crystal Light pink lemonade I've been drinking and/or 2) all the lemon pepper tuna fish I've been eating. All that acid...cannot be good. But I've been consuming these things for the past few days, so why now? I can't even get my pureed beef stew down right now, because it just burns.

It's a damn good thing I enjoy the delicious calcium infused Tums. Because without these puppies, I'd be screwed. I'm glad I see my surgeon on Friday - I really need to up my PPI. It's 20mg, and I'm not sure if I should increase that, or go to twice a day, but something has got to give. I will pay whatever it costs to tame this fire in my chest. :/

stall, weight loss

Ggrrrrrrr

I swear, this dang stall on the scale is going to be the death of me. I have obsessively been weighing myself ever since I was a week out of surgery and realized hey! I can weight myself at home again. And there was NO greater thrill than seeing the pounds just come off....sometimes as much as a pound a day. It felt like victory. It felt wonderful!!

Then a week or so ago, I noticed the same exact weight, day after day after frikkin day. And I said to myself; "Self, you are in the dreaded week 3 stall that you kept reading/hearing about."

Dammit.

The 3rd week stall.

But I don't wanna be stalled!

But, I am stalled.

And have been. And to be perfectly honest with you, it's pissing me the fuck off.

But! There is good news.

Today I had to go back to the office (I work from home...woo woo!!), to pick up some more work. I saw some of my friends, who I haven't seen since about a week or so before my surgery, so it was nice seeing them again. And I have to say, even though I really can't see the results on my body yet, because I see myself every single day, I did have a few people tell me what changes they can see. Hearing things like "You look amazing" was something I never thought I'd hear anyone say. But I guess when you drop 45 pounds, it does make a difference.

I was told that they can see the difference in my face, and all over....

The face is what makes me the happiest. I used to love taking pictures with my husband and son, but then you start to notice things like those pesky double chins and how fat you look and it makes you feel AWFUL, so you just stop taking pictures. But I miss those times, and all those memories, so losing weight in the face? Definitely a good thing! So while on one hand, I'm obsessed with this dang stall, on the other hand, I guess I can take into account that I have lost some weight and people can notice, and that is a very good thing. Total self-esteem booster too!

headaches, stall, sugar

The Devil and His Headaches

Prior to my weight loss surgery, I used to get frequent headaches. Frequent meaning at least 3 days a week. I used to miss a lot of work because of my migraines. I would get them and just wouldn't be able to function. I would notice things like not getting enough sleep gave me a headache....getting too much sleep gave me a headache...having too much caffeine gave me a headache...not having enough caffeine gave me a headache...

I never considered that anything in my diet was contributing to headaches. I just didn't ever think about it, honestly.

Once I started my liver reduction diet, I stopped drinking Diet Coke and Cherry Coke - my two biggest vices on this planet. Also, I obviously stopped eating the sweets I was addicted to - mainly chocolate. So right there, I was ditching caffeine and sugar. What also stopped was my headaches. I wasn't feeling like utter crap on Monday mornings, my head was clear! It was great.

And until then, I hadn't had a headache, until I woke up today. I was laying in bed thinking to myself, what on earth made my head hurt? I've not had caffeine...or carbs really...or sugar....

oh. wait.

fuck.

I DID have some sugar. And I have been so used to not having it, and knowing what I was putting into my body that I didn't even consider to read the label of something new I had tried. Dammit.

So I've been struggling with protein big time, and just needed something new, so I grabbed some Slim Fast ready to drink shakes. Uh yea. These little bottles of poison are LOADED with sugar...taking a look at the label we have: sugar, fructose, HFCS, maltodextrin, sucralose...and then at the bottom in bold it reads "sweetened with nutritive and nonnutritive sweeteners"

So, yuck. This explains my headache today. Over a month of going sugar free and then bam. A cocktail of crap.

How could I be so stupid to not even read the frikkin label? Seriously...

This just goes to show that for the rest of my life, I need to take the time to read and pay more attention to what's going into my body. Because the honest truth is that I feel like utter crap right now with this headache. I did not miss feeling this way every single day, honestly. Who would??

Also, I'm really annoyed, because I'm at the infamous week 3 stall. I've been stalled for about a week now. I was thoroughly enjoying losing a pound a day...I was feeling so successful, and I was feeling like the pain from surgery was worth it....and giving up all my favorite foods was worth it. Until I stalled. Now I feel like an epic failure. I know that it supposedly happens to everyone, but when the scale isn't moving, and I'm eating SO little, I feel like something is wrong with me. This sucks!!!