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Today, we (when I say we, I mean, me, my 11 year old son and today, my husband) took a walk. We combined our walk with Day 3 Week 2 of Couch to 5K.  My son has been doing this program with me, as I get ready for a few 5K races I have coming up in just a few short weeks.  I've been alternating between walking a 3-mile route (close to a 5K, which is 3.1 miles), and working on building my endurance and doing the walking/jogging intervals, like with C25K.

Thus far, the jogging is really kicking my ass. I made it through Week 1 ok. Jogging for 90 second intervals was tough for me. This makes me really sad. I mean, I've lose 154 pounds. I WANT to just be able to command my legs to run. But, I get out of breath so quickly. I guess I should be proud that I'm doing what I'm doing. But I still feel so out of shape.

I REALLY have to give my kid mad props - seriously. There aren't a whole lot of 11 year olds that I know, that will walk that far or endure all the "torture" I put upon him :) He's been a trooper and he's been an awesome exercise buddy.

So today, we're on mile #2, just about to start the C25K portion of our walk. My hubby and son had to run to the rest room, so they took off to a porta-potty and I had a seat on a park bench. A lady on a bike was riding by and asked me if that boy was my son. I said yes. She told me she thought it was awesome we had him out there with us, walking and jogging (Seriously, I have NEVER seen other kids out there with their parents. Ever.)  She said it also looked like I was doing an awesome job.

Seriously, if she knew how good that made me feel...I can't even tell you. I thanked her and she was on her way, but her words carried me the rest of my run/walk. Truly.

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Dun dun dun...failure!

Well, that was interesting.  Since July, I've been looking forward to running/walking in my first 5K.  One of my personal goals - and items on my bucket list - is to participate in a 5K. But in my mind, I'd be able to jog more than walk.  But, that didn't happen.

I started preparation in the gym a few months ago doing the Couch to 5K program.  I hadn't ran since high school, and I graduated in '94.  So it's been a REAL long time.  I would jog 30 seconds or so and just not be able to jog any more.  Then, I started working with my trainer, so I was no longer doing the couch to 5K program, but instead, I was doing strength training.  I thought it'd be enough to finish this race, but not so much.

I had one goal.  ONE FUCKING GOAL.  Finish.  That's it.  I didn't care how it happened, I just wanted to finish.  And I MOTHERFUCKING FAILED.  :/

We got there this morning, and had to stand around an hour waiting for the race to start. The old me never would of been able to handle this, because my back would of been in so much pain, and it would of gone numb.  Thankfully, since dropping 95 pounds, I don't suffer from that problem so much anymore.  But, this morning, it was cold.  I was cold. And after standing there an hour, my lower back was starting to feel it.  

Right at 10, they lined up all the racers and let us loose.  I remember commenting to my hubby "holy shit, look at how far up those runners are!"  Yea...we were slow.  The race was held at a cemetery  and the road was not paved.  It was loose gravel mixed in with rocks and stones.  It was unstable and muddy from the rain.  We walked the first mile in 16 minutes.  I'm sure there were some people who ran the entire way around in that time frame, but I don't give a fuck.  16 minutes for me is a personal best.  I can tell you that at the gym, on the treadmill, it usually takes me 22-25 minutes to go a mile.  So, this for me was awesome.

Now, a 5K is 3.1 miles.  By the time we got to the starting line (where we were supposed to walk around the entire thing a second time), we had walked 2.7 miles.  So, I call shenanigans.  It was NOT a true 5K, because one lap was 2.7 miles.  And I was whooped. My back and knee were killing me.  So, my husband and I said fuck it.  

And?  I feel like utter shit.  I feel like a failure.  Sure, I was "faster than everyone else who sat on the couch."  Great.  Big fucking deal.  Sure, the "old me" would of been at home, on my couch, likely pigging out on something.  Great.  Big fucking deal.

I WANTED and NEEDED to at least finish today to feel successful, and I didn't do it.  So now?  I feel like shit and will only use this to fuel my fire.  I will hit the gym harder next week.  I will get on the treadmill and beat 2.7 miles in 44 minutes because now I know I can.  I will not, ever again, take more than 16 minutes to walk a mile, because now I know I can.  I have to do better!

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3 Months...

Today marks three months since my life transformation.  Or, we can call it my 3-month surgiversary.  But truly, I prefer life transformation.

Things have gotten a bit easier, diet wise.  I no longer feel the need to consult my handbook every single hour to make sure what I'm eating is ok.  I like to think I have an ok grasp on my nutrition.  However, I am going to see my NUT in a few weeks to just go over a couple things.  In my mind, my carb intake is ok, because I don't necessarily count carbs from fruit.  But, I feel like I could be losing weight quicker, so maybe I need to cut the fruit out until I'm in maintenance.  I don't know.  That's why I'm going to a professional - so she can analyze my diet and tell me which direction she'd like to see me go.

So, where am I?  Progress wise, I'm a bit behind where I personally would like to see myself.  My surgeon seemed pleased with my progress.  I haven't asked him to give me a goal, or a deadline, because quite frankly, I don't want to feel that pressure.  I read so many people on the support boards FREAKING out because they're a few pounds shy of their surgeons goal.  I have enough stress in my life.  I don't need any more.

Pound wise, in three months I have dropped 71 pounds.  It seems so...small.  But, it averages out to be 23.6 pounds a month and I'm still almost close to a pound a day.  I just wish I WAS losing a pound a day.  The whole carb thing again.  So 71 pounds gone.  Forever.  I guess I shouldn't complain.  I've NEVER lost this much weight before, ever, so it feels really good!!

Inches wise, I think I'm making the most progress.  Since surgery, I've lost a complete total of 52.5 inches.  7 inches of that came off my waist, which leads me to my next victory - being down 2 sizes.  A lot of my old pre-surgical pants fall right off of me now.  I tried on a pair of jeans the other day and there's just no way.  Even with a belt, there is just no way.  I just got into my size 26's and found a pair of really cute capris in my closet that were a 24.  I figured I'd try them on just to see how long I'd have before they would fit, and they zipped right up.  Woo woo hoo!!

A few short term goals that I have:

1.  Lose 75 pounds.  75 sounds like a killer number.  Then 80.  Cannot wait to say that.  What I REALLY can't wait for is to say "I've lost 100 pounds".  Wow.  How awesome will that be?

2.  Get into a size 22 pant.  Then a 20.  I won't truly be happy until I'm in an 18 though.  I don't ever recall being in that size.  In 7th grade, I was wearing a size 20 jean, so....

3.  Keep busting ass at the gym.  I've got the green light to get back into lifting, so my upper and lower body can really get an ass-kicking.  I cannot wait to start incorporating the weight training with everything else I'm doing.

Here's to the next 3 months!!

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Reasons Why

I am so happy that I FINALLY decided to go ahead and have this weight loss surgery.  There were so many times when I thought "I want to have it done", but I chickened out.  It was like that with my tonsils too.  I actually saw three doctors before I just sucked it up, pulled up my big girl panties, and had it done.  When I went to see my second ENT doctor for my tonsils, the Dr. actually said to me "The reason your tonsils are so inflamed is because you are so porked out."  He ACTUALLY used the words porked out.  Who in the hell does that?

Anyhow...this surgery, this tool...hell this gift I've been given, it's tremendous.  I am feeling so much better about myself these days.  I've lost just about 53 pounds now.  53 pounds y'all!  A large bag of dog food weighs 50 pounds.  Checked airport luggage weights 50 pounds.  That's a TON of weight, and I couldn't be more happy with my progress.

One reason I'm so happy is because my relationship with food the past two months has drastically changed.  I'm officially a label reader.  Last week my son and I went grocery shopping and it took me forever because I was stopping to read labels on everything I purchased.  Oh, and my son now looks at labels too and it becoming more carb/calorie/far/protein conscious.  I love that!!

Another reason I'm so happy is because I've found my fitness groove again.  A year and a half ago my husband and I joined a gym.  I went regularly, then stopped.  Long story...pretty sure I've already discussed it before.  Anyhow, this week?  Found my fitness groove again.  We alternate days between doing laps at the pool, and hitting the gym.  Today is an off day, which makes me happy.  But I can't wait to get back at it tomorrow.  And, I've found a few apps which help me stay motivated and keep me interested.  The first one is Gym Pact.  This is an app you can download on your iPhone or Android phone.  You basically tell the app how many times a week you'll work out, and how much you're willing to pay for every workout you miss.  When you hit the gym, you check in and check out once you're done, 30 minutes minimum.  Make your pact and you don't have to pay for any missed check-ins, and you're also rewarded...with money.  And who isn't motivated by money?

PowerWalk is another app I use.  This worked perfectly for me on the treadmill at the gym.  It's a 12 week walking program that takes you from a 25 minute walk to a 60 minute walk.  My goal for the end of this program is to increase to jogging once I can lose a bit more weight and increase my cardio.

One last reason I'm super happy is because I'm eating so much less these days.  Why does this make me happy?  Because food no longer makes me feel weighted down.  It no longer makes me feel bad about myself.  It no longer makes me feel anything but satisfied.  I don't look to food to fill a void, because I know it no longer will.  And this is a good thing.

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What a week!!

Ugh what a week.  I'm so damn glad it's about over.  Monday our internet went down.  This is usually not a big deal, but now since I work from home, it's a VERY big deal.  We didn't get it back until freakin Wednesday.  So that's put me quite behind on my hours for the week.  Dammit.

Diet wise, things are going ok.  I'm 2 pounds shy of losing my first 50.  I've been stalled for nearly a month.  I'm pretty sure the weight I lost was poop.  Sparing a majority of the details, constipation has gotten the better of me.  BIG TIME.  Last night was pretty much the worst night of my life, and I never EVER want to endure that pain ever again.

I've been meaning to get on here and post a few more protein bar reviews...I've tried some really tasty ones!  I was so utterly disappointed in the Quest Banana Nut Muffin ones.  I really wanted to like them, but they tasted like ass, so the bar promptly got thrown away.  Very disappointing.

What else...oh!  My family joined the aquatic center.  I love swimming, it's always been one of my favorite forms of exercise, but we never have anywhere to swim.  My son was on the school swim team last year and loved it so much, but he does need some improvement, so I got him signed up for swim lessons there, and then signed up for a family membership as well.  I cannot wait to start tomorrow.  I'm seriously stoked about this!!

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