Out...and things that bother me

This is me. On the left is me shortly after my surgery...I don't know the exact date. God, look at how unhappy I looked! My face - it just disgusts me. Look at that stomach. Why oh why did I let myself go like that? Why couldn't I love myself enough to not get like that? I can't go back, so these questions are pointless. All I can do now is love myself and respect myself enough to never, EVER go back.  The right is me a few days ago. Again, fitting into something new, something smaller. That feeling NEVER gets old. Not ever. Every single time I put on a smaller size my heart is flooded with pride, and I have a hard time containing that pride. I am proud of myself. I'm proud for having the courage to change my life. I'm proud of my success. And for once in my life, I'm not ashamed to have a photo of myself put on Facebook for all to see. But...

Then the comments come rolling in. Things like "you look amazing - so skinny!", or "You are such an inspiration..."  And this is where I have a problem.

This won't make sense to many people (if any at all), but I'll try to explain it the best I can. As an obese woman, I would look at people who lost weight, at their before and after pictures and become SO overwhelmingly inspired. I would dream of the day when I could look like that - good enough to have a before an after. People who cut out junk food, started to exercise and got turned on to a healthy lifestyle - those are the people who inspired me, whose stories gave me courage to write my own weight loss transformation story. That to me was inspiration. Flip the table. People tell me that I'm inspirational and I'm like - but why? All I've done is had 85% of my stomach removed, stopped eating junk food and started to move my fat ass. Why or how is this an inspiration? Which brings me to my next issue - being "out" about my surgery. I am not "out". I can probably count on two hands how many people know I had surgery (not counting other WLS people I'm friends with). I've never been comfortable discussing it, and I'm not about to shout out to the world "HEY WORLD! I HAD WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY!" Mostly, because, I'm ashamed. Ashamed I was so morbidly obese that my only option was to remove a majority of a major body organ just so I could stop myself from fucking eating. I'm sorry, that's not inspirational, or courageous or bold, that's disgusting. I feel like such a fraud when people tell me I look good, or that I'm doing so well, or even ask me for eating/fitness advise. 

And being told I'm skinny? That just irks me. I wish I was skinny. I wish at this weight I still wasn't considered obese, but I am. Being called skinny is an insult. It's insulting. Isn't that silly? Many don't "get" it. I guess compared to what I used to weigh/look like, I am skinny, but I'm not anywhere near where I want/need to be.

I always tell anyone who asks about my diet the truth - which is - I eat a high protein diet. Protein first, always. I eat lean chicken, beef, pork and fish. Secondary to protein is fresh fruits and veggies. Very rarely, whole grains. Never bread, pasta or rice. Very rarely sweets. These things are not lies. These are truths. The only information omitted is that I only consume 800-1000 calories a day because that's all my stomach can hold. When people ask me about my fitness routine, again, I tell the truth. I swim laps 3 days a week. I walk/run 7 days a week. I hit the gym as often as I can. All true. 

But I am nothing but a fraud! I may give people false hope...that if you eat like I do, and exercise like I do, you too can lose 167 pounds in just over a year. But I'm too ashamed and too embarrassed to tell the world my truth. I've come out to a few different friends, and they've all been SO supportive of me, so I don't know what it is exactly that I am afraid of. If people don't like me, or don't support me, I honestly do not care. This is my life and my health we're talking about here. But still... The truth haunts me, and nags at me. It's a huge, heavy burden I carry around with me. It weighs on my shoulders like a two-ton block. It feels so heavy and I know, I know if I let it all go, I will feel such relief. But I'm still just too scared.

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I'm tired

I'm tired. Exhausted, really. And I don't just mean in the physical sense. Though, sure. I am tired in that sense. Today I worked with a new trainer at the gym, and he put me through the paces. Though now that I think back, we really didn't do a LOT, we just did a lot of body weight exercises and those are always tough. Working out, lifting 20 pound dumbbells is awesome an all, but working out, using your own body weight as resistance? I'll take that anyday! Ask me tomorrow how I feel about those side planks, though!

I'm tired. I'm tired of tuna fish. Yes, this is a completely random thought. I ate a packet of Starkist Lemon Pepper tuna after the gym today. I needed the protein, obviously. And I'm sick to death of tuna. SICK OF IT. It's easy and convenient. It's 80 calories, sure. It's tasty, ok I'll give you that too. But I AM SO SICK OF TUNA FISH. Ugh. It took everything I had in me to choke down my lunch today, seriously. It was that bad. I need to work out a decent menu plan for my week. If I liked cheese and eggs my life would be so much easier. Seriously. But alas, I do not like these things. So tuna, for now, you're my go-to guy!

I'm tired. I'm so sick of all these people on Facebook or Twitter or blogs or support boards who have lost weight and think they can tell everyone else what to do or how to eat. You know what? Here is my confession of the day (and actually, it's not a confession...it's a known fact if a) you know me and b) you follow me on IG). I AM ADDICTED TO STARBUCKS. Hopelessly addicted. I loooooove a skinny mocha. Hot, iced, I do not care. I love them. Sure, they've got carbs and sugar. And protein! And they're delicious. And did I mention that I'm addicted? But someone mentioned how people post stuff (like me, on IG, I'm sure, always posting my drinks) after they've had the surgery. You know what? In one year, I've lost just under 160 pounds. 160 MOTHER FUCKING POUNDS. You know. A regular size adult MAN? And I've done that working my ass off in the gym, cutting a load of bullshit out of my diet and yes, DRINKING STARBUCKS. I wish people would just SHUT THE FUCK UP. Sure, I bitch about people too. But the people I bitch about are the whiners who eat pizza and chips and say "ohhhhhh boo hoo why am I not losing weight?" Really? You don't know?  If you treat your body like a dumpster guess what you're going to feel like?

I'm tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night. Hubby and I binge watched Orange is the New Black all weekend long. I think we have like 3 episodes to go. Saturday was season 1. Sunday was the newly released season. I AM  LOVING THIS SHOW! Loooooove it!

I'm tired. So goodbye :)

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Hangin' in...

I haven't updated here lately, but I haven't had much to say....or had any free time for that matter. In addition to my full time job, I'm trying to juggle taking my son back and forth to school each day, working out with my trainer at the gym, mall walking with my hubby, swimming laps at the aquatic center, biking on the bike trail and working on Couch to 5K. Literally, I am spending so much time exercising. And now that it's hotter out, so much time showering.

Not that I am complaining. Yesterday, my hubby and I took a 3 mile stroll along the bike path. A year ago, the thought of even trying that would of killed me. I would of refused. I would of made ANY excuse. I was tired/crampy/back hurt/head hurt/not in the mood. I would suggest any other number of activities that we could do, that were NOT physical. Now? I'm the one wanting to get out of the house and be active. I was the one wanting to jog yesterday - not my hubby. And when he didn't wanna, I just jogged ahead and let him catch up to me. 

Who is this person? It's me, version 2.0. I just wanna move. I want to keep losing weight, and I'm having to work so hard at it. And really, it's a catch 22. The more active I am, the more I'm burning up calories and the more hungrier I become. I cannot win. I am losing weight at a snails pace. I am gaining muscle. This is for sure. I can SEE the definition in my calves and arms. And, I can see the skin loosening even more. But I live and die by that fucking scale, and I really shouldn't.

So anyhow, that's why I haven't been around. I'm too busy living my super-active life :)

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1 Year Surgiversary

Exactly 1 year ago today, I embarked on a life-changing event. At that time, I didn't realize how weight loss surgery would completely change my life. Sure, I figured I would lose some weight. But I didn't know that it would completely just transform me as a person.  Below are some photos.  Sorry for the blurriness.  On the left is me, 1 year ago and 153 pounds ago.  I was a sad, sad person. I was in constant back pain because of my weight. My blood pressure was out of control. My cholesterol was out of control. My eating was out of control. 

These jeans? I couldn't even freaking wear them a year ago. They were too tight, and made me uncomfortable. Seriously??! Just...wow.

Me 1 year ago: I hated to exercise. Walking around the grocery store was physically painful. My back would go numb before we were out of the produce aisle. I avoided large department stores, because I knew it'd be too much for me to walk. Also, I'd get over-heated really quickly, and get all hot and sweaty. To say that I was miserable is putting it lightly. I hated going out in public, because I hated how people would look at me.

Me now: Big store? No problem. I actually walk the malls now, for fun (ok, and fitness, too!). I never balk at the chance to do something physical now. Even having my son say to me "Mommy, wanna go for a wallk?" Now, I say yes and usually beat him out the door. No more back pain when I walk. No more numbness from exercise.  I feel like a whole new person.

Me 1 year ago: Hated shopping for clothes. Always had to reach for the largest size on the rack (tops were a 30/32 or 4X/5X. Pants were 28 or 30). Everything I tried on felt too tight. I wanted shirts that were baggy to cover up my tummy.  Half the time, I'd try on several things and leave the store sweaty and miserable. And I hated standing in line for the cashier; it would kill my back.

Me now: I can wear a men's XL shirt. Size L in Victoria's Secret pants. Jeans size 16/18. Tops anywhere from men's XL to a regular XXL. Not plus size...regular size. I can walk into Old Navy and buy right from the rack. I tried on an XXL gym top there that was TOO big. I don't even have to buy the biggest size now. It's an amazing feeling.

Me 1 year ago: Fantasized about food. ALL THE TIME!  I ate fast food several times a week. Drank a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke each day. My favorite meal? From Chipotle...a burrito bowl with extra rice and meat, and chips with salsa. I also drank a lot of wine and beer. Just empty calories.

Me now: Protein first. I can barely eat 3 ounces of meat at a sitting. I don't touch pasta, rice, breads or white potatoes. Rarely eat sweets. I no longer touch donuts or bagels. Sugary beverages are a no-no. I don't eat candy bars or ice cream. And if I do get a bowl from Chipotle, I get 5-6 meals out of it, no chips. My biggest guilty vice now is Starbucks.

Me 1 year ago: My husband would always ask me to go to the gym, and I'd make every excuse on why I shouldn't (cramps. Headache. Backache. anything!). I hated walking into the gym, because I was literally the elephant in the room. I felt so gross and so out of place.

Me now: I'll proudly walk into the gym by myself now. I have worked my ass off to lose over 150 pounds. I have muscles now, that I didn't have a year ago. I can wear tight gym pants and show off my calf muscles and be proud of how far I've come and how hard I work. My body is far from perfect. I have tons of loose skin and lots of problem areas. But I'm working harder than everyone who is just sitting at home.

Seeing my surgeon earlier in the week was great. He told me I have done an amazing job over the last year. All my blood work came back fine, in regards to protein levels, vitamins, iron, etc. My cholesterol is going down, with no medication. My blood pressure is going down, and I'm off one med, and have had the other med cut in half. I am physically active 6-7 days a week, sometimes more than once a day. I don't even feel like the same person that I was a year ago.

To think that it took me so long to make this decision - it seems like I wasted so much of my life being the fat girl. I am so done with that crap.  I will never EVER EVER go back to that. I never want to look, or feel like that ever again.

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Self Image. And snacks!!

This entire weight loss journey has been so bizarre. When I began, all I could do was think and dream about how I'd look after dropping weight. I never considered how I'd feel. Sure, I thought I'd probably have more energy. I thought I'd probably have more energy. I never once expected that I'd still see myself as the same old morbidly obese person.

I thought I'd undergo this fantastic transformation; like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. And in a sense, I have. My body has been transformed. I have a smaller ass. A leaner waist line. Slimmer hips. Hell, I have ankles now! But, I still see myself as the old me. The 368 pound me. Despite dropping 150 pounds, I cannot see myself as smaller. I have people telling me they can see it, and I STILL can't! I'm unsure why this is such a problem for me. Maybe it's because for 38 years, all I ever saw was the fat me, and I don't know any other way to see myself.

On to another topic - snacks! I had my one year follow up with my surgeon earlier this week (more on this topic tomorrow), and I had a lovely chat with the patient coordinator. We were discussing snacks. I don't like experimenting with snacks, or purchasing foods I've never tried, because 1) snacks can be expensive and 2) it feels like such a waste of money if I hate the item.  I posted awhile ago about the protein snacks I purchased, and I tried a new one with my lunch today.  

The product was Sea Salt and Vinegar "Protein Chips" by Health Wise.  I purchase those here:  AmBari Nutrition. I wasn't too sure how I felt about these upon first bite. But I ate a second. And then a third. And then yes, this entire snack size bag. And I have to say, they were really good. I would normally feel guilty, except, I didn't. And, it was 10 grams of protein for these. It definitely satisfied my chips craving, guilt free. You can check out the nutrition and ingredients labels below.

  

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Weight Loss and Depression

Oh weight loss, you are a funny little thing.  I've lost over 150 pounds now.  Woo hoo, right? That's awesome, right? I mean, that's more than some adults weigh. I've lost an entire person. So, you would think I'd be a lot happier about that. Except I'm not.

I feel like I should look better than I do. I know I've been down this road before, and have bitched about this before. It's to the point where I am ashamed to tell people "yep, I've lost 150 pounds." You tell people that, and they think WOW! You must look fantastic. Well, no. Actually, I don't. And I've got at least another 50 pounds to lose. Then I think well shit, I've lost 150 and I'm not happy. Why will 200 pounds lost make me happy? What if I'm never happy?

I'm a size 16/18, depending on the pant. And for a long time, this was a goal of mine. I said I'd be happy if I got that "small". I'm here now. And it's not small. Not even close. I feel fatter than ever these days.

I don't FEEL fatter. Ok, that's a lie. Because 150 pounds ago, when I was fatter, I couldn't bike 5 miles along the bike path. I couldn't go for TWO walks a day. I couldn't jog. So physically, I am way more active. But I just feel so disgusting. I look terrible. I do not look like someone who has lost 150 pounds and that terrifies me. How much will I have to lose to be happy? 

And now, I'm a year out from surgery and my weight loss has slowed to a crawl. I am still eating under 900 calories a day, and working out 1-2 times a day! Why is it so slow? I'm really starting to get depressed about this and worried about how it's making me feel, mentally. I'm ashamed to run into people I know or friends who know how much I've lost. People get this impression like "hey, bet we won't even recognize you." Oh yes, you will. I don't look that different. I fucking hate this part of weight loss.

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Disappointment

So every month, I make goals for myself. Weight loss goals. Usually, I strive for 10 pounds a month, but the past few, I've been content with 8. In April, I only lost FIVE FUCKING POUNDS. I know what I did wrong. Not enough protein. Too much Starbucks. Also, I haven't been able to swim like I want to. I hurt my finger on a mandolin slicer and wasn't able to get it wet, and hubby's work schedule doesn't allow us to swim the length we've been swimming. And nope, I sure as heck won't swim by myself. But on a positive note, a bunch of other good things have happened. For one, I was able to shop off the rack at Old Navy, and they don't carry "plus sizes" in the store. Nope, I just bought regular plain old women's XXL sizes and they're perfect. Actually, my compression capris could be XL, but I tuck my tanks into them and wanted more flexibility for my runs.

Oh yea, and I took up jogging. Sort of. I'm working on the Couch to 5K program.  So far, so good.  And so far, I fucking love it.

Then there is this photo below. Fitting into one of my husband's tee shirts. Very cool. My wardrobe just doubled y'all. And even better? Waking up this AM, weighing in, and realizing he now weighs more than me. Mega score.

I'm still managing to put a good bit of my old clothes on eBay. Last night I was taking photos of jeans to list and came across these. I remember these pants. They never got worn, because they never fit me well.  Check out how they fit now.  Hehe.

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Whaaaaaat?

Weight loss is a funny thing.  It's an awesome thing, don't get me wrong. But it's also a funny thing. I guess maybe since I've lost so quickly, I'm having a harder time wrapping my head around it all.  I don't always see it, and I'm still conditioned to view my body at 368 pounds. Even today at the gym, my trainer had to talk me into doing something because I was like nope, I can't do that.  So here's some photographic proof.  My new photo is at the bottom.  These are all photos from shortly before my surgery.

After I posted this last photo on Facebook as my profile photo, I got a bunch of comments that pretty much blew me away.

"You look amazing"
"You look awesome!!!"
"Oh wow...I didn't recognize you! Looking awesome, lady!!!!"
"Holy shit I didn't even recognize you!!!"
"Wow, you're doing an awesome job"
"You look SO DIFFERENT! I didn't recognize you at first!"

"You're my motivation!"

Is this real life?  Surely I cannot look *THAT* different. But then I look back and maybe I do? I know I carried a lot of fat in my face. Truthfully, I carried fat all over. But I always hated my face. I was so self-conscious about how I looked, and so unhappy.  but to have three people tell me they didn't recognize me? That's UNBELIEVABLE to me.  Just unreal.  

On another note, I'm still on the high from doing Couch to 5K the other day. I'm so looking forward to doing day 2.  I can tell from the gym today that my legs are going to be wasted tomorrow, but the more active I am, the more active I want to be every day.

And yes, I'm adding another NSV today!  Previously, when trying to plank at the gym, I've been able to plank for literally, 5 seconds and I'm just tanked. Today we did planks at the very end of my session, and I did three 20-second planks and it felt awesome. The stronger I get, the more awesome I feel. If I only knew this would feel so good, I'd of done this years ago!

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E-N-E-R-G-Y

145 pounds ago, I ached. A lot. My lower back was chronically in pain. A trip to the grocery store would fill me with dread. I knew before I'd make it through the whole store, I'd be in pain. My lower back would go numb from the pain.

My husband and son would ask me to do things. Walk around the mall. Take a walk through the park. Explore the neighborhood. Anything. My answer was always the same. No. I'd find any excuse. I have a headache. My back hurts. I'm tired. Let's watch a movie instead. I'd say anything - do anything, to not be physical. God forbid I move my fat ass. 

Same goes for cleaning. I never had the energy to clean my house. I'm not talking about a casual tidy up job. I mean like on my hands and knees scrubbing the toilet, or mopping the floor type cleaning. I just couldn't do it.

So much has changed. 

I invited my mom over for Easter dinner, so knowing this, I know I need to get my house clean. Normally, I'd rely on my husband and son to handle it for me. But I've been a productive gal this week. I started in my foyer closet. I tossed 5 garbage bags full of old coats, shoes, etc.  **Side note - I've always heard people mention that when they've lost weight, they've gone down in shoe size. I have yet to experience this. Or so I thought. I have a pair of slip on sneakers I keep by the door. My husband always throws them on when he runs outside to check the mail. I noticed that they were really loose and I figured he stretched them out. Then I tried on a brand new pair of sandals I had tucked away in my closet, and a favorite pair of leather sandals from last year. Both are too big, slightly so in length, but in the girth of my foot.  Who knew??  Anyhow, after cleaning my closet, I organized it and mopped our foyer. It's never looked better!

Today was living room and bathroom day.  I scrubbed the bathroom top to bottom, and it finally smells great!  (I live with 2 boys - need I say more??)  My living room is vacuumed, tidied up and looks fantastic. And I still had energy to spare. 

We live in a 2-story townhouse and I have to tell you, I always hated running up and down the stairs. I no longer get winded. I now run up and down my stairs with ease. And I'm no longer too lazy to not make multiple trips. I'm no longer too lazy to avoid doing something myself, because I'm too fat or too stubborn to just get off my ass.

One thing I'm struggling with still is clothes sizes. I'm still reaching for the largest size on the shelf. I needed new pajamas so bad, because everything I own is 2-4 sizes too big. 4X pants no longer work for me and fall right down. So, at Walmart today, I immediately wanted to reach for the 4X size. I had them in my cart and had to stop myself from walking away, because I knew they'd be too big.  I also picked up a pair of spandex capri work out pants. I need some compression pants and a compression top so when I jog, my fat stops clapping for me. I figured ok, 2X spandex pants, (they look small on the hanger); they'll work. I figured no way will a 2X fit me, from not the plus size section, from the regular women's section. So, I was hoping those would work for me as compression pants. Nope. They fit me like a glove. This size thing is a challenge, and it shouldn't be, but it is!

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Skin

Know what nobody tells you when you're super obese?  Just how much damage you're doing to your skin.  Know what EVERYBODY tells you when you're losing weight?  They tell you about their loose skin.  

I was never a person who thought I wouldn't have loose skin.  I have been obese my entire life, and I'm 38 years old.  I've been stretching out this skin suit for nearly 4 decades now. I've got the stretch makes on my boobs and arms and belly. I've stretched my skin to its capacity.  So, I kinda knew I'd have loose skin. But, I didn't realize how much it would irritate me.

I first noticed loose, wrinkly skin under my neck. I didn't have a double chin, I had a fucking triple chin.  My face was huge.  See?

So, once I lost that, I had leftover skin where all that fat used to be.  I am probably the most self conscious about this loose skin, because it's the most visible to every one I encounter.  However, I'll take that skin over that fat face any day!!

My second sore spot would be my arms.  My arms prior to surgery were huge.  You ever see a fat person with fat rolls on their upper arms?  Yea, I had that.  They were huge. HUGE.  I'm disgusted I allowed myself to just eat and eat and eat and get so fat that I hate my body the way I did, but what's done is done.  Now that I'm losing fat in my arms and gaining muscle, my arms are just horrible. Even wearing a short sleeve shirt now bothers me, because it's that noticeable.  I'd choose to fix my arms first, with plastic surgery, before I would fix anything else.  Honestly.

The other day after my shower, I caught a side glimpse of my boobs in the mirror.  Prior to surgery, I was a 46D.  I had a big rack.  Well duh.  That's because tits are fat.  So yea, the fatter I got, the bigger my boobs got.  That was probably the only benefit to being a big girl.  Big girls!!  Now that I'm rid of 145 pounds, my boobs have shrunk quite a bit. I don't even know my real bra size at the moment, but the last time I measured, my band size measurement was a 39 so.....yea.  I've lost a lot of inches in the boobs.

My tummy now...it's just gross.  And wrinkly.  It's not that bad, because the only person who sees it is my husband, and he doesn't care. So, until it becomes a major issue for me, I'm good.

Another major problem area that I've noticed is my thighs.  My upper thighs have always been huge.  I have so much cellulite on my thighs.  But now I've also got a lot of loose skin on my inner thighs.  This bothers me a lot too because I go to the pool in a bathing suit and all that shit is hanging out.  I shouldn't care, but I do.  I feel like inside this fat suit there is a skinny girl begging to get out.  

I bought a pair of size 18 jeans the other day that fit, and tried on a pair of 16's I had in my closet and those fit too.  She's in there...this thinner version of me.  But now, she is trapped in a fat suit and I don't like it at all.  

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18...

This is me.  The picture itself it a few years old, but I was at my heaviest weight, or at least I think I was.  My scale didn't go beyond a certain point, so I really don't know.  But gah.  I was SO big.  Sometimes, you just get so big, you don't realize how big you really are until you look back and then it's just an OH.MY.GOD. feeling.  Like why in the hell did I ever let myself go like that?  I mean, really.  I had let myself just go.  I ate whatever I wanted to.  I'd go to Tim Horton's before work, and get a large iced mocha latte along with a BLT bagel.  I'd eat a reasonable lunch, depending on the day.  And dinner, don't even get me started.  3 slices of pizza with some chicken wings.  Or McDonald's (always a double quarter pounder with a large fries..and sometimes I'd throw in a spicy chicken sandwich just because).  Or a burrito bowl from Chipotle with extra meat, and chips and salsa.  Just disgusting eating habits.  Really, I was completely out of control.  So, it's no wonder I got this big.  I've since sold this dress I'm wearing on eBay.  It was a 5X.  I remember having a hard time finding a decent outfit for that wedding too, because no matter where I went, anything I put on just looked like a god damn circus tent on me.  

This sleeve of mine? What a life-saver it's been. Honestly. At least now if I have a splurge meal (like I did yesterday for my birthday), I can't completely go all out because my stomach just doesn't hold that much.  We went to Ruby Tuesday, and I ordered the petite sirloin with lobster tail, grilled zucchini and baked mac n cheese.  I enjoyed a few bites of each and brought the rest home, to have a few more meals.  We ordered dessert, and I ate a few bites, whereas last year? I would of eaten my entire plate and the entire dessert and had at least 2 glasses of Diet Coke with my dinner.

So, having birthday money burning a hole in my pocket, I did a little shopping today.  All of my gym pants are getting too large on me. I am not one for huge baggy clothes anymore, because now, they just make me feel dumpy. A year ago, I preferred baggy, because I felt like it was hiding all my fat.  Now? Baggy clothes make me FEEL fat.  I've been wearing a size 20 for a little bit now, but have started noticing that whoa...these suckers...  I've been having to yank them up because they fall off my ass when I walk.  (I used to have this ass...like...an ASS! I used to call my ass the book shelf, because I shit you not, you could balance a book on it, it stuck out so far).  I'm sure it's a combo of weight loss and squats, but my ass is shrinking, and I couldn't be more pleased.  Anyhow, my jeans don't fit my ass that good anymore and constantly having to pull up my pants is annoying.  So, I went to Kohl's.  I thought hhmm let me just TRY on these size 18 jeans, to get a gauge if I'm getting close to that size.  I have a size 18 in my closet that I got at Goodwill, but they're a juniors 18 and dang, those fuckers are small, so I was just checking.  But, to my surprise, they fit.  Like a gloooooove.  Um.  Is this my life?  When I was in the 7th grade, I wore a size 20.  And that's many many many years ago.  So putting on a pair of pants where the size doesn't start with the number 2?  It's mind blowing.  And I cried in that dressing room today.  I cried because I'm happy.  I cried because I felt like holy shit! Is this really me? And yes, I took a photo too.  Because I am so happy.

Gloriously happy.

And, I got to buy my gym pants at Target today. I felt so normal, walking into just a regular department store, and walking into their regular athletic section, and grabbing some gym pants. Granted, they're XXL, but they fit and that's what was important to me.  I do have to say though...those Target dressing room mirrors? Jesus christ, is it really necessary to be able to view oneself from ALL possible angles? Holy moly. I saw more of myself today than I think I ever have!

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Whoa

I love jeans.  Love love love jeans.  The only time I can remember not really wearing jeans was after my son was born.  I had an awful c-section, a bad infection from that c-section and just was fat and sore.  So I wore baggy sweat pants like, all the time.  Also, when I was married to my ex-husband, I wasn't allowed to be too feminine or wear makeup because who knows why.  It's a long complicated mess I don't feel like discussing at the moment.  About 10 months after my son was born, I talked my ex into joining Weight Watchers with me.  After losing 45 pounds, I started to wear jeans again, because I could.  And they felt good, and let's face it, they ALWAYS look better than baggy sweat pants do.  Always.

As my weight dropped them climbed then dropped then climbed, one thing remained the same: I never went back to sweats, I always stayed in jeans.  I thought, if I can wear jeans, I must not be as big as I think I am.  I mean, they only make them so big right?  And I'd justify that as my 24's became snug and I needed to go up to a 26.  And when those became too tight, and I crept into 28's, I said the same thing "well, they make them in my size, so I must not be THAT fat".  Bahaha.  Yea, right.

Anyhow, once my weight started to come off after surgery, and my jeans got looser, I decided to keep the pair of my largest ones, so I could always look back at it.  In the photo above?  Size 28's.  The most comfy jeans I have ever owned.  I miss these jeans.  I put them on the other day just to see how they'd fit, and the results were hilarious.  Not only do they not fit, they don't even stay up anymore without me holding on to them. And, I love that.  It shows real progress and this makes me very very happy. Sometimes,when I feel like my weight loss has slowed down, or like I haven't come far, I'll take a photo like this as a reminder that I HAVE come far!

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Willpower

I have a wicked bad sweet tooth.  Before my surgery and weight loss, I ate sweets every single day.  A typical day would start off with a large iced mocha latte from Tim Horton's. I mean, what washes down a bagel and sausage sandwich better than that? I ate chocolate all the time.  ALL THE TIME. You know those gigantic Hershey bars you can buy? Not the king size ones - those are for amateurs. I'm talking the HUGE bars? I'd buy those, and eat it over two days. Most normal people, or normal weight people, wouldn't do this. But I did. Oh, and let's not forget my addiction to Diet Coke. At least a 2-liter bottle a day consumption habit. At least.

Since my surgery, I've not eaten sweets that much. I have found that since eliminating the artificial sweeteners from my diet (Diet Coke), I don't crave them as much, and also, I've eliminated my migraines, which is awesomesauce.  Those used to be brutal.

Now, when I do want a sweet, it's done in moderation. Take for example my son's birthday party. We used to get those big cakes from the bakery - you know the kind - with that sweet, delicious buttercream frosting on top. And it wasn't a big deal to me to eat 2 or 3 pieces of cake a day. Come on! No wonder I was well over the 300 lb mark just a year ago. This year, we ordered cupcakes. I ate one, and was done. I didn't eat 3 or 4, or more. I ate my cupcake, and went on my merry way.

Saturday was the funeral service, and right behind me, of course, was the dessert table. People brought cookies, and brownies and cheesecake and cupcakes and lord knows what else. To be honest, I never once got up and even looked at the dessert table.  My son grabbed pretty much one of everything. I ate one bite of a brownie, and one bite of a cupcake, and make him throw away the rest. The old me? She would of taken at least two trips up there and stuffed her face, and of course, washed it down with Diet Coke.

Hell, at dinner, I didn't even put a roll, the pasta salad or the scalloped potatoes on my plate. I WANTED to. I really wanted to. But I didn't. I did my protein first and drank water all night. I was incredibly proud of myself, honestly.

I feel like I have come a long way. I know that every so often, I can indulge. Just last week I ate a chocolate croissant from Starbucks. I didn't binge, I didn't go on a rampage and eat a ton, I just added an extra workout into my day and went about my business. It feels good to finally have some control over my diet and my life!

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Progressing...

So after 130 pounds lost, I can fully admit now, I see the difference in one of my before/after shots.  On the left is me last May-ish.  It wasn't long post-op that much I know.  I must of been 340ish here maybe?  And there's me now, this past weekend.  Down from a size 28 pants to a 20, and the shirt is a 1 or 2X, I'm not sure, it's one of those vanity sized shirts with a funky size.  The tank top on the left is a 4X and you can see how snug that puppy is.  I am a MUCH happier person in the second photo, that's for dang sure.

I FINALLY cleaned out my closet.  I donated 15 garbage bags full of clothes that were just kinda old and crappy.  I sold a bunch of things on eBay this past week and made almost $300 doing it, so I can get some more clothes that actually fit.  I've been so limited on what I can wear, because I have a handful of tee's and shirts that fit.  All of my hoodies have gotten too big, and all of my fave t-shirts are starting to get super baggy to the point where I look like a bum wearing them.  Even my surgeon commented on this last week when I had my 9-month follow up.  

And speaking of my surgeon, I LOVE HIM.  Like, seriously love him.  He's the most kind-hearted, intelligent, compassionate doctor I've ever met.  I will miss him over the next year, when I go to only yearly appointments.  And he gives the best hugs when you make him happy :)

I also need to vent about something, or rather, someone.  That would be Ms. Rosie O'Donnell.  I used to be a big fan of hers, but this is going WAY back.  Like back when she still did good stand up, and was a VJ on VH1.  Anyone remember that?  Anyhow, I have read the recent articles that she had weight loss surgery, and has lost 40 pounds. Just.40.Pounds.  And here is where I am very unpopular, because I think if you need weight loss surgery to drop 40 pounds, you're fucking lazy.  Drop the donut, take your ass to the gym and bust your ass, dropping 40 pounds is not that difficult if you actually work at it.  But WLS for 40 pounds?  She's more nucking futs than I originally thought.

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People and their bad decisions...

So I have to vent today about people who piss me off.  Yea yea yea, I can hear it now, so what else is new? Haha!

I belong to a few surgical support forums, and there's always going to be a mix of different people and personalities.  But the kind of people that really irritate me are those who have this tool, eat like shit, and bitch that they're not losing weight.  Take for example Jackie (not her real name, obviously).  Her forums posts read like a true obese person (really, I'm not judging, because I've been there...but still).  Constant photos of plates of food (her last one was a plate with a slice of cheese and pepperoni pizza, chicken wings, breadsticks and ranch dip - hardly what I would call bariatric friendly food).  Someone asked her if she ate it all.  Her reply was no, she couldn't finish the breadsticks.  So....she ate pizza and and couldn't finish her bread.  Well no shit.  I have no idea how she manages to do it.  She just posted a link to her MyFitnessPal food diary...and here are a few of her days.

B: skipped
L: 1 slice of blueberry pie
D: 6 chicken wings, 12 oz. can Diet Coke
S: 2 mini bags of popcorn

B: skipped
L: 1 bottle of Snapple
D: 6 chicken wings
S: slice of zucchini bread, mini bag of popcorn

She also feasts on:  bags of potato chips with French onion dip, sausage patties and scrambled eggs, hot dogs from a gas station, and 2-3 juice pouches at a time.

This girl has the balls of steel to be MAD AT HER SURGEON!  Mad because he's saying she should be losing more.  Well no frikkin shit!  I cannot imagine how she's losing weight, but I imagine her pre-op diet must of been way worse than this, if she's eating this shit and actually losing weight.

Which brings me to my new favorite TV addiction My 600 Lb. Life.  Wow, this show. Never have I seen a bigger group of whiny "woe-is-me" people.  Oh wah wah wah, I'm STARVING on this 1200 calorie a day diet.  Really?  Try 800 calories.  No, you won't starve. You might actually lose weight!

One of the episodes had this woman who not only didn't lose, she gained, and she was in such denial she would blame the doctor, the scale, anything. She actually told someone she must of lost 350 pounds, and then said her starting weight must of been off.  No, you're just in denial.

Another girl had a family who would bring her food and junk into the hospital because she was refusing to eat the hospital food and her mother didn't want her to starve to death. At almost 700 pounds, I'm quite confident she wasn't going to starve to death, and probably would of gnawed off her own arm before that happened.

One one of my weight loss forums, someone posted that she feels responsible for other people, and would steer them in the right way if they were going off track.  I replied that I would not.  I gotta do me, and not worry about anyone else.  Granted, I'll bitch about other people, but I'm not about to hold someone's hand and make sure they're doing this right.  I'm not a damn babysitter and I'm sorry, but if you're not willing to put in the work, than maybe you're just not ready for this journey.

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It's going....

Lately, I've been feeling pretty meh about my weight loss.  I've lost and re-gained the same 5 pounds over...and over...and over again.  This happens ALL.OF.THE.DAMN.TIME. It's so frustrating and it just makes me want to SCREAM!  But, instead, I kick it a little harder at the gym, and eat a little bit more or less, depending on my exercise, and it works itself out.

As of this AM, I've lost 125.8 pounds.  I'm happy with that.  To get to goal, I've got like another 80 to go.  Which means I'm well over halfway there.  But it still seems to far away.  I'd LOVE to be under 200 when I hit my 1 year surgiversary, but who knows.

Here is how my measurements compare from May 3rd, which was 2 weeks pre-op, to now.


I have lost the following inches:
3.5" in my neck
1" off of each wrist
2.75" off of each forearm
2.75" off of each elbow
4" off of each bicep
12.5" off of my waist
10.5" off of my hips
10.75" off of my chest (around the band of my bra)
10.25" off of the fullest part of my chest
7.25" off of each thigh
4.5" off of each calf
2.5" off of each ankle

This amounts to an ass load of inches.  97 inches overall.  That is over 8 feet.  Now look at that photo and tell me if you can tell I've lost 8 feet.  Nope, me neither.  God dammit that sucks balls so hard!!!

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Things

So I finally did it.  Lost 100 pounds.  I wasn't sure if it was ever going to happen.  I'm a really slow loser.  My surgery was May 16th.  5 months to lose 100 pounds.  I know I know. Some people think that's really good loss.  I'm not one of those people.  It frustrates me, because I know I can do better and do more.  But that's an average loss of over 4 pounds a week.  Much better than I've ever done on any diet, or eating/exercising plan.  So, I'm happy with it.  And, the fact that I'm wearing smaller clothes and getting compliments all the time is making it so worth it.

So what did I do when I lost my first 100 pounds?  Well, I got myself a tattoo.  I've been dying for a Hello Kitty tattoo for the longest time.  And I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that my new stomach is named Godzilla.  It's purely because of the dang noises it makes.  It's like I have a monster living inside of my gut.  So, Hello Kitty as Godzilla seemed pretty fucking perfect.  She's adorable and perfect and I absolutely LOVE my new tattoo!!!!!

Last night, I was getting ready for bed, and noticed that holy cats...my pajama pants are really big.  They were practically falling off, but I could still wear them.  I thought let me try something here....and it worked.  I fit into one pajama leg.  All of me.  I think I need some new jammies!

I just have to add one more thing before I go.  I've had some people make comments to me that have truly been so meaningful, and so motivational for me.  Here is a small sampling:

"you are lookin awesome!  keep up the hard work and know that all your hard work is easy to see.  you inspire me..."

"Be proud of yourself, I'm proud of you!!!"

"I'm in such awe of your accomplishments. One day you'll have to tell me how the "new" Kelly came to power. I would kill for your success"

"I wish I had your discipline. You've been working your ass off."

"You've been working so hard :) Just want to take a minute to say how awesome you look........but mostly how awesome you are!"

Seriously, knowing how many people are behind me, supporting me and cheering me on means the world to me.  I never thought that people would even notice that I've been losing weight, or how hard I've worked, but I guess they have, and it feels good.

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3 Months...

Today marks three months since my life transformation.  Or, we can call it my 3-month surgiversary.  But truly, I prefer life transformation.

Things have gotten a bit easier, diet wise.  I no longer feel the need to consult my handbook every single hour to make sure what I'm eating is ok.  I like to think I have an ok grasp on my nutrition.  However, I am going to see my NUT in a few weeks to just go over a couple things.  In my mind, my carb intake is ok, because I don't necessarily count carbs from fruit.  But, I feel like I could be losing weight quicker, so maybe I need to cut the fruit out until I'm in maintenance.  I don't know.  That's why I'm going to a professional - so she can analyze my diet and tell me which direction she'd like to see me go.

So, where am I?  Progress wise, I'm a bit behind where I personally would like to see myself.  My surgeon seemed pleased with my progress.  I haven't asked him to give me a goal, or a deadline, because quite frankly, I don't want to feel that pressure.  I read so many people on the support boards FREAKING out because they're a few pounds shy of their surgeons goal.  I have enough stress in my life.  I don't need any more.

Pound wise, in three months I have dropped 71 pounds.  It seems so...small.  But, it averages out to be 23.6 pounds a month and I'm still almost close to a pound a day.  I just wish I WAS losing a pound a day.  The whole carb thing again.  So 71 pounds gone.  Forever.  I guess I shouldn't complain.  I've NEVER lost this much weight before, ever, so it feels really good!!

Inches wise, I think I'm making the most progress.  Since surgery, I've lost a complete total of 52.5 inches.  7 inches of that came off my waist, which leads me to my next victory - being down 2 sizes.  A lot of my old pre-surgical pants fall right off of me now.  I tried on a pair of jeans the other day and there's just no way.  Even with a belt, there is just no way.  I just got into my size 26's and found a pair of really cute capris in my closet that were a 24.  I figured I'd try them on just to see how long I'd have before they would fit, and they zipped right up.  Woo woo hoo!!

A few short term goals that I have:

1.  Lose 75 pounds.  75 sounds like a killer number.  Then 80.  Cannot wait to say that.  What I REALLY can't wait for is to say "I've lost 100 pounds".  Wow.  How awesome will that be?

2.  Get into a size 22 pant.  Then a 20.  I won't truly be happy until I'm in an 18 though.  I don't ever recall being in that size.  In 7th grade, I was wearing a size 20 jean, so....

3.  Keep busting ass at the gym.  I've got the green light to get back into lifting, so my upper and lower body can really get an ass-kicking.  I cannot wait to start incorporating the weight training with everything else I'm doing.

Here's to the next 3 months!!

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Missing Things

During my weight loss journey, there are several things that I have successfully given up.  These are things I've tried and tried like heck before to give up before, but was never able to.  I was too weak to give these things up.  They controlled my life.  They controlled my mind.  They consumed my thoughts, and helped me pile on the pounds.  And yet, I still miss some of these things.  So, here's my list of things I REALLY miss.

1. Pizza.  Thick, doughy pizza, with extra sauce, crispy pepperoni, mushrooms and sauce.
2. Chicken wings.  REAL Buffalo wings y'all.  And I'm sorry, the rest of the country thinks they can make them, but they cannot.  You just can't.
3. Baked potatoes.  I haven't touched a potato in months.  That's a lie.  Since my surgery, I've eaten exactly 4 french fries.  But I make the best baked potatoes (and mashed) ever, so I miss them.
4. Big fat cheeseburgers. BBQ burgers. My BBQ burgers could win an award they're so good. And I miss them.
5. For the locals, eating Costanzo's rolls. The other night, we went to Jim's Steakout. I had a grilled chicken sandwich and it felt like a sin to toss the Costanzo's roll.  I nearly cried.
6. Doughnuts.
7. Bagels.
8. Rice.  Rice and beans. NOLA style.  Yum.
9. Most carbs.
10. McDonald's.  Truly.  It's delicious.  But so so so bad.
11. And more than ANYTHING, I miss Diet Coke.  I crave it constantly, especially since nothing still tastes good to drink to me :(

There's more.  I'm sure there's more.  But that's what I'm missing right now.  Want to know what I don't miss?

1. Constant back pain. It got to the point where even walking through the grocery store was kicking my ass.
2. Chronic migraines. Since my blood pressure has gone down, and since cutting out a majority of the sugar in my diet, I have yet to have a migraine.
3. Feeling tired, all of the damn time.
4. Having a tough time maneuvering or doing certain things.
5. Being out of breath walking up my stairs.
6. Being frustrated that NOTHING in my closet fits.
7. Trying on clothes in a store and leaving in tears because I couldn't find anything that didn't make me look like a stuffed sausage.
8. Feeling SO self conscious - feeling like everyone was starting at the fat person in the room.

And for this week's OH MY GOD HOW AWESOME IS THIS moment...

It's official.

I am FINALLY under 300 pounds.  I cried when I stepped on the scale the other day.  I literally stood there, grinning like a pig eating shit, and just cried.  It was so awesome.  I never thought I'd be under 300 again.  I really didn't.  I just resigned myself to the fact that I'd be this big the rest of my life.  Because really, I had tried so many things, so many diets, so many exercise gimmicks - and I failed at all of them.  But now?  I feel alive y'all.  For the first time in a REALLY long time.  I feel like maybe I can actually make it this time!

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Loser

Life is good.  Life is BUSY.  I'm adjusting to my new schedule.  I am blessed enough to be able to work from home.  But, every morning, we get up and either head to the aquatic center to swim laps for an hour, or we hit the gym.  We alternate days, and it works out well because I don't wind up getting bored.  Truth be told, I would be just as happy swimming every day, but my husband loves the gym, so we compromise.  It'll be interesting to see how the schedule works once Bubby goes back to school in September.  God help me if my husband goes back onto day shift, because I don't know that I have the balls to swim all by my lonesome.  The gym is one thing..but the pool?  Aye.

So, I'm about 8 weeks out now from my surgery.  I'm learning to eat different foods and see how Godzilla takes them.  The other day I went to Subway and got a chopped salad.  Godzilla was NOT happy.  Guess it's too soon.  I didn't do lettuce, but I did do spinach and my other veggies.  It was really tasty, but not worth the grumbly in my tumbly.

I stalled for about 4 weeks, and that time was awful.  I've figured out that my weight loss equals about how many days it's been since my surgery, so overall, I'm losing about a pound a day, but I secretly wish it were more.  I've been pretty faithful with tracking in MFP. I also went and got a Fitbit Zip last night so I can track my steps and calories burned a bit more accurately.

Despite being stalled, I still lost some inches.  Not nearly as many as I did during the first month, but at least it was something.  All in all, since surgery, I have lost 38.5 total inches off of my body.  This is a very very good thing.  I am still so far from where I need to be, but I try not to look at that, but rather smaller mini goals.  My next goal is 60 pounds lost...then 75.  All of my pants are too big on me, but I'm not quite yet in the next size down, so that's another goal too.  Baby steps!

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