Walking...and my bad back

Nearly 160 pounds ago, walking was hard. Before I was married to my ex-husband, I was working on losing weight and getting into shape. I moved in with him and my diet and exercise went to hell. And thus began my decade long weight gain, going from around 200 pounds, up to 317 when I had my baby, down to 250 after doing Weight Watchers, and then constantly fluctuating, up...down...up...down...up up up to the dreaded weight I was pre-op.  As I gained weight, my back pain became worse. It got to the point where I was throwing my back out all of the time, and I was afraid to lift anything because I didn't want to trigger spasms associated with my back pain. I'd walk around the store and my back would go numb from all the excess weight my body was carrying. It was so bad towards my surgery that even walking around the grocery store was a chore, and I'd do anything to avoid it.

Now, I walk as much as humanly possible. I love exercising, and love sweating, and love when my muscles are sore. It tells me that my body is working like it should be. Anyhow, last week, after my session with the new trainer, I was feeling really stiff and threw my back out. Normally, I'd be down and out for a few days, but I'm going on a week now, still in pain, and that ain't cool. I haven't been able to do my walking, which I was doing twice a day. I haven't gone to the gym, and I ridden my bike and I haven't swam. And I've had so much to do - we're moving in 1 week. ONE WEEK! I've got a house to pack, shit to toss, things to do and places to go. But I'm in pain. Oh, and did I mention my 5K Saturday?

Today before I got my son from school, I put on my gym clothes and decided today's the day - I'm going back out to my nature trail to walk. And I did. Except I was only able to do a mile. It took a little over 20 minutes, which is still on pace for myself - It usually takes me 50-55 minutes to do a 5K. We had to stop twice so I could sit down, which we never do. I feel like my entire spine is out of alignment, which sucks. I don't know WHY I'm still hurting, but it's so annoying :(

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Dun dun dun...failure!

Well, that was interesting.  Since July, I've been looking forward to running/walking in my first 5K.  One of my personal goals - and items on my bucket list - is to participate in a 5K. But in my mind, I'd be able to jog more than walk.  But, that didn't happen.

I started preparation in the gym a few months ago doing the Couch to 5K program.  I hadn't ran since high school, and I graduated in '94.  So it's been a REAL long time.  I would jog 30 seconds or so and just not be able to jog any more.  Then, I started working with my trainer, so I was no longer doing the couch to 5K program, but instead, I was doing strength training.  I thought it'd be enough to finish this race, but not so much.

I had one goal.  ONE FUCKING GOAL.  Finish.  That's it.  I didn't care how it happened, I just wanted to finish.  And I MOTHERFUCKING FAILED.  :/

We got there this morning, and had to stand around an hour waiting for the race to start. The old me never would of been able to handle this, because my back would of been in so much pain, and it would of gone numb.  Thankfully, since dropping 95 pounds, I don't suffer from that problem so much anymore.  But, this morning, it was cold.  I was cold. And after standing there an hour, my lower back was starting to feel it.  

Right at 10, they lined up all the racers and let us loose.  I remember commenting to my hubby "holy shit, look at how far up those runners are!"  Yea...we were slow.  The race was held at a cemetery  and the road was not paved.  It was loose gravel mixed in with rocks and stones.  It was unstable and muddy from the rain.  We walked the first mile in 16 minutes.  I'm sure there were some people who ran the entire way around in that time frame, but I don't give a fuck.  16 minutes for me is a personal best.  I can tell you that at the gym, on the treadmill, it usually takes me 22-25 minutes to go a mile.  So, this for me was awesome.

Now, a 5K is 3.1 miles.  By the time we got to the starting line (where we were supposed to walk around the entire thing a second time), we had walked 2.7 miles.  So, I call shenanigans.  It was NOT a true 5K, because one lap was 2.7 miles.  And I was whooped. My back and knee were killing me.  So, my husband and I said fuck it.  

And?  I feel like utter shit.  I feel like a failure.  Sure, I was "faster than everyone else who sat on the couch."  Great.  Big fucking deal.  Sure, the "old me" would of been at home, on my couch, likely pigging out on something.  Great.  Big fucking deal.

I WANTED and NEEDED to at least finish today to feel successful, and I didn't do it.  So now?  I feel like shit and will only use this to fuel my fire.  I will hit the gym harder next week.  I will get on the treadmill and beat 2.7 miles in 44 minutes because now I know I can.  I will not, ever again, take more than 16 minutes to walk a mile, because now I know I can.  I have to do better!

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