The Domino Effect

You know how it happens. You push a domino, and pretty soon, they're all falling down. That's the kind of day I had today. It wasn't a bad weigh-in day. Or eating day. It was just a bad "lots of personal shit going on" day.

I had what I would find out to be my last session with my personal trainer today. A few months back, she was promoted to fitness director. She enrolls all the new members, and gives tours and does payroll and all that other fun gym shit. But, she decided to keep on a few PT clients, and I was one of them. My trainer is awesome. She motivates me and pushes me. She knows what fuels me. She knows my story. She knows about my surgery and my struggles and she just knows what works for me. So today she broke the news to me.

Ugh. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

Seriously.

I am crushed. Truly.

So, she asked me if there was anyone specific I'd like to work with.

Well, maybe.

When I started at the gym, I worked with Dan. Dan used to be over 300 pounds, so he knows the struggle. But when I started working with him, I was also over 350 pounds. He had me walk on the treadmill one day for 30 minutes and I thought I would die. He tried to push me, and be supportive of me, but I wasn't having any of it. I was SO far out of my comfort zone, I quit. I quit on Dan, I quit on training and I probably stayed out of the gym for an entire year. I avoided the gym because I wanted to avoid Dan, because I knew if I saw him, he'd try to schedule me for PT. And I didn't want that.

So, I'm nervous. I'm scared to work with him again. I know he'll push me out of my comfort zone. But this time, I think I'm better physically able to handle it. But still. Ugh. 

So between my shitty day and that, I did something today I just don't do. I cried. I did. I sat at my desk and just put my head into my hands and had myself a little pity party, complete with Atkins peanut butter cups. Oh, yes I did. I ate my feelings today. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL MY FRIENDS! The struggle is real.

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Torture Rack

Ever see a TRX at a gym?  The "T-Rex" as an old trainer lovingly referred to it.  I refer to it simply as "torture rack".  My very first experience with this machine from hell was the first time I worked out in the gym.  Vince was the trainer.  He was big and muscular and a dick.  He had me doing squats and lunges and all sorts of things.  And after 10 minutes, my legs were jello.  I had a hard time walking.  I left the gym after that, sat in my car and cried.  I cried because I was in pain.  I cried because I was ashamed that my weight got so out of hand I couldn't handle the TRX.  I just cried out of frustration.

After that, I walked funny for nearly a week.  It was bad.  Really bad.  And I hated the gym.  That experience made me hate going. I DREADED sessions with my personal trainer, because I was so scared he'd make me use the TRX again.

About a week or so ago, I was minding my own business on the treadmill.  One of the new trainers came over to me and we got to chatting.  We talked about my goals at the gym, and we talked about my surgery.  She asked if I'd want to work out with her, and I did.  I went into my session with her knowing full well I didn't want to work with a trainer again.  For one, it's expensive.  $40 a week.  That's a lot of money for me.  Second, I just want to go in, do my thing, and leave.  I don't want to work with a trainer and have to deal with it.  I just don't.  My first go-round with a trainer just didn't work out for me so well.  When my new trainer took me over to the torture rack, all I could think was OH.MY.GOD.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.YOU.SKINNY.BITCH.DIE.

We did squats.  And lunges. And these weirdo suspension push-ups.  And suspension bicep curls.  And!  I even got my fat ass down on the gym floor and did crunches.  And my trainer?  She's awesomesauce.  I fought wanting to work with a trainer again, but we just really gelled together.  And truth be told, I can really use the help at the gym.

She kicked my ASS on the TRX!  Later that day I could just feel the soreness in my muscles.  And when I woke up the next day?  Let's just say it took everything in me to suck it up and go to the pool, soreness and all, but I did.  I was incredibly sore for the next two days, but sucked it up.  And yesterday we even had another training session.  She's kicking my ass, but pushing me and my body to do things that I know it can do...that I want it to do.

And, with my personal training comes nutrition counseling as well.  I have a web site to log into to log everything, and she can check in on me and see how I'm doing.  Probably the worst part about yesterday was being weight, in the gym.  Oh, and then she took my measurements.  To her credit, she did ask me if I'd be more comfortable doing it secluded in the locker room but I just don't care anymore.  I don't.  I used to care.  I used to be SO self conscious walking into that gym, but I no longer care.  I belong there just as much as those lunk heads do, and I'll be damned if I'm going to walk around all uncomfortable in the gym.  Fuck it.  I pay my dues, it's my gym too.  And I just.don't.care.  

So that's where I'm at.  Today, I'm wicked sore from my workout again.  Thighs, butt, arms...all killing me, but it's good because I know I'm working, and I hope to goodness this helps speed things along!

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