Surgery

When I had my son, I had a c-section.  Shortly afterwards, I got a horrible infection.  I was so sick after having my baby.  I was in and out of the hospital a few times.  Finally, after my incision opened back up, my doctor decided to just leave my wound open and let it heal from the inside out.  After about two months, it was healing great, but it wasn't going to close on its own without a little help.  I wound up having surgery and they had to cut off a bit of skin and sew my back up.  I remember waking up in recovery and my father was there.  (This was strange in itself, because we have an awful and awkward relationship...but anyhow...)

When I woke up and my dad was there, I remember the nurse coming over to me and telling me how great I'd look after my surgery.  I thought it was a bit weird, but I said "really?"  She said of course, you're going to lose so much weight.  After a moment, she realized her mistake.  I wasn't a bariatric surgery patient.  The woman in the bed next to me was.  But my fat ass was mistaken for someone who needed weight loss surgery.  I was MORTIFIED.  Mortified that she mistook me for someone who would need weight loss surgery.  I was embarrassed that she said so in front of my father (who agreed with the nurse).  I just remember feeling like crap.

All my life, people have tried to get me to lose weight.  And I've never taken it as a positive. I've always taken it as them not loving me for how I am.  I've had my grandparents beg me to go to Weight Watchers when I was in high school.  The same grandparents tried to bribe me with money or a new wardrobe if I only lost weight.  I had family members criticize me for every bite of food I'd put into my mouth.  I had family cook holiday dinners but tell me I wasn't to eat with them because I didn't need to.  My father used to make me cook foods, or make snacks for my brother but tell me I couldn't have them, because I didn't need them.  Well no shit.  I know I didn't need them.  But to be told by someone else you don't need them...it's hurtful.  I have shut pretty much my entire family out of my life because of how they look at me...how they treat me...how they talk to me or about me about my weight.  It's so hurtful.  Those wounds cut so deep.  More do than the bullies in school who made me so fearful to eat in public, because I knew I'd get picked on, that I'd eat lunch in the bathroom.  Eating where people are shitting.  Class.

Anyhow, it just brings me to my decision to have this surgery.  It's for no one but me.  Not for my family,  not for my friends, not for anyone else.  Just me.