Epiphany

So this morning I'm driving to work, eating a frozen Bob Evans English muffin with sausage on it (I removed the cheese and egg, because I don't like those), and I had an epiphany.  It's like a million light bulbs went off in my mind, all at once.  As I was driving, I couldn't help but think "Wow, I'd love a Tim Horton's cafe mocha to go with this".  *side note, I did stop for my cafe mocha.  And something odd happened, but I'll get to that later.

I got to thinking about carbs, and my love for them.  My four favorite things to consume are breads, pasta, rice and potatoes.  I love them all.  Sooooo much.  I've always grown up having one of these as a side dish to my meal, and as an adult, have carried on with that practice.  I could eat potatoes by the pound.  Bread?  Love it.  There is an amazing bakery right near where I work and sometimes I leave and smell the bread and I just lose it because the smell is intoxicating.  Rice?  Can't get enough.  Pasta?  I'm Italian.  Need I say more?

Then I got to thinking about how much bad they do.  They spike my blood sugar and then I'm hungry soon after.  They make me want more carbs.  They're just bad.  With all the research I'm doing on this surgery, I realize that my diet is going to be pretty much nothing but protein and liquids for quite some time.  Protein.  And liquid.  Not breads.  Or pastas.  Or rices.  Or pizzas.  Or potatoes.  First, I felt panic.  Then, reality set in.  And then, ready for it?  :::drumroll::: It all occurred to me.  Carbs and my sick love for them have made me the huge fat person that I am today.  Granted, I eat sweets and overeat in general, but its the carbs that have done the most damage.  

I promise this is all going somewhere...

A majority of the relationships that I have been in have been abusive.  Whether it was emotional, physical or verbal...most relationships with men have just been destructive.  It took me YEARS to realize hey, I don't need this bullshit, I don't want this bullshit and I sure as hell don't deserve this bullshit.  I have struggled so much with trying to realize my own sense of self-worth.  I let so many people dictate that for me.  But I finally took the power back and now *I* make the decisions for my life.  Anyhow...(I feel so long-winded today!!), I decided that carbs are like an abusive relationship.  They're no good, and they've been holding me hostage for far too long.  I have the power to overcome my addition to them.  I have the power to say no!  Carbs don't hold the power over me, I hold the power over them.  Fuck carbs!

And back to my thing about coffee.  Since I started considering this surgery, things have been strange for me.  I am looking at food and drink so differently now.  Like this morning.  I was craving a warm, chocolatey rich drink.  And my drink was just so acidic I couldn't finish it.  I don't know if it was all in my mind, or what.  But I thought it was interesting how it was just like drinking acid in my mind.