Same Girl...Different Girl

I remember this one time back in high school, there was this guy I had a major crush on. I would of loved to have been his girlfriend. Hell, I would of loved if he would of even knew I was alive. He was the type of guy, though, who would say something like "just lose 50 pounds and I'll go out with you." As if it was that easy - to just drop 50 pounds. And PUH-LEEZ! As if I'd still want you if I lost 50 pounds.  

Anyhow, this memory got me to thinking about weight loss. Would I really be the same person, if I lost a lot of weight? I used to think so. I mean, I have an ok personality. I'm very stubborn, very tactless (I tell it like it is, and people get their panties in a twist, but I'm VERY honest). I'm funny and sarcastic. And I'm very VERY loyal to those I care about. So surely, if I lost weight, I'd be the same, right? I've had to take a long hard look at this, to find the real answer. And the answer is, no.

I am no where NEAR the same person I was before my surgery last year. Back then, I stayed home all the time. I didn't want to see people and I didn't want to be seen; I was too ashamed of my weight. I didn't want to go out to eat with my husband, so instead we'd hit the drive-thru so I could eat on the couch at home. I wasn't physically able to go places with him, because all my weight just - well - weighed me down. It hurt to walk around. And I was always out of breath. And! Ugh. I always got hot so fast because I was lugging around so much extra weight - all fat. I was miserable. I was so self-conscious of anyone looking at me, or talking about me. I just wanted to be liked so desperately. But the sad truth is that I was miserable - all of the time. I was just very very skilled at faking it, and faking a false confidence I assure you, I did not have. I didn't care about myself, or what I put into my mouth. I didn't look at calories, fat, or carbs. Hell, I didn't even know protein would be the most important thing I needed to eat. I thrived on a diet of pop, alcohol, donuts, fried foods, pizza and candy. I didn't care about the gym, fitness or getting in shape and I damn sure didn't care about nutrition.

Am I that same girl now? Oh hell no. I've become someone new. I've shed all these layers (literally), and am just someone new. I CARE about nutrition. A lot. I'm religious about logging everything that goes into my mouth. I count calories, but also monitor my protein, carbs, fat and sugar. I make sure to try as hard as I can to meet my protein goals for the day. I try to eat clean whenever possible. I don't eat a lot of processed foods and never, EVER eat fast food. My biggest sin is my near-daily Starbucks habit.

And, I care about fitness. A lot. I went from someone who would trudge to the gym once a week and half-ass a workout, to someone who works out every single day - sometimes twice a day. I love to move my body. I love to sweat. I love to feel the burn as I lift weights. I love lifting to failure. I love squats and lunges and box jumps and running. I love monitoring my progress. I love that a month ago, jogging for 10 seconds was something that took effort and yesterday I ran for 90 seconds and was ok. I love that I am improving. I love that I am hopefully building muscle, losing fat, and sculpting what will ultimately be the temple I reside in for the rest of my days.

No. I am not that same girl. I am not that same shy girl who hated when people looked at her. I'm not that same girl who hated fitness and nutrition and hated herself. I have so totally changed, inside and out, and I truly hope that comes across to people.

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Out...and things that bother me

This is me. On the left is me shortly after my surgery...I don't know the exact date. God, look at how unhappy I looked! My face - it just disgusts me. Look at that stomach. Why oh why did I let myself go like that? Why couldn't I love myself enough to not get like that? I can't go back, so these questions are pointless. All I can do now is love myself and respect myself enough to never, EVER go back.  The right is me a few days ago. Again, fitting into something new, something smaller. That feeling NEVER gets old. Not ever. Every single time I put on a smaller size my heart is flooded with pride, and I have a hard time containing that pride. I am proud of myself. I'm proud for having the courage to change my life. I'm proud of my success. And for once in my life, I'm not ashamed to have a photo of myself put on Facebook for all to see. But...

Then the comments come rolling in. Things like "you look amazing - so skinny!", or "You are such an inspiration..."  And this is where I have a problem.

This won't make sense to many people (if any at all), but I'll try to explain it the best I can. As an obese woman, I would look at people who lost weight, at their before and after pictures and become SO overwhelmingly inspired. I would dream of the day when I could look like that - good enough to have a before an after. People who cut out junk food, started to exercise and got turned on to a healthy lifestyle - those are the people who inspired me, whose stories gave me courage to write my own weight loss transformation story. That to me was inspiration. Flip the table. People tell me that I'm inspirational and I'm like - but why? All I've done is had 85% of my stomach removed, stopped eating junk food and started to move my fat ass. Why or how is this an inspiration? Which brings me to my next issue - being "out" about my surgery. I am not "out". I can probably count on two hands how many people know I had surgery (not counting other WLS people I'm friends with). I've never been comfortable discussing it, and I'm not about to shout out to the world "HEY WORLD! I HAD WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY!" Mostly, because, I'm ashamed. Ashamed I was so morbidly obese that my only option was to remove a majority of a major body organ just so I could stop myself from fucking eating. I'm sorry, that's not inspirational, or courageous or bold, that's disgusting. I feel like such a fraud when people tell me I look good, or that I'm doing so well, or even ask me for eating/fitness advise. 

And being told I'm skinny? That just irks me. I wish I was skinny. I wish at this weight I still wasn't considered obese, but I am. Being called skinny is an insult. It's insulting. Isn't that silly? Many don't "get" it. I guess compared to what I used to weigh/look like, I am skinny, but I'm not anywhere near where I want/need to be.

I always tell anyone who asks about my diet the truth - which is - I eat a high protein diet. Protein first, always. I eat lean chicken, beef, pork and fish. Secondary to protein is fresh fruits and veggies. Very rarely, whole grains. Never bread, pasta or rice. Very rarely sweets. These things are not lies. These are truths. The only information omitted is that I only consume 800-1000 calories a day because that's all my stomach can hold. When people ask me about my fitness routine, again, I tell the truth. I swim laps 3 days a week. I walk/run 7 days a week. I hit the gym as often as I can. All true. 

But I am nothing but a fraud! I may give people false hope...that if you eat like I do, and exercise like I do, you too can lose 167 pounds in just over a year. But I'm too ashamed and too embarrassed to tell the world my truth. I've come out to a few different friends, and they've all been SO supportive of me, so I don't know what it is exactly that I am afraid of. If people don't like me, or don't support me, I honestly do not care. This is my life and my health we're talking about here. But still... The truth haunts me, and nags at me. It's a huge, heavy burden I carry around with me. It weighs on my shoulders like a two-ton block. It feels so heavy and I know, I know if I let it all go, I will feel such relief. But I'm still just too scared.

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Updates

Man oh man, life got away from me. I've been so busy here lately. We moved. Yeoow! Where we lived before was in a semi-decent duplex, however the area was kind of sketchy. There were drug dealers who lived across the street, meth-makers who lived next door, a hoochie mama down the street, a lady next door with 700 foster kids, and other various trash. It was quite the experience. We had stayed there nearly 5 years, always paying rent on time, keeping our lawn looking decent, etc., but they decided to raise our rent. The complex was overrun by government assisted apartment dwellers who would move out in the middle of the night and it was just nasty. I am SO happy to be gone from there. Where we are now is utopia baby!

Now? I can walk through my neighborhood without crossing a major street that was very traffic heavy. My son has a yard to run around and play in. And I've got all kinds of side streets and places to walk, bike and explore. Also? I'm literally 1 minute away from the aquatic center, making it even more convenient to go swim. I'm so so so happy!!

I have 5 pounds to lose to hit a MAJOR milestone; a weight I haven't been in  - I don't even know. I cannot even recall a time when I saw this particular number on my scale, so I'm super excited. Moving, packing and not eating as well as I should have (meaning not enough calories), really did a number on my body, because I dropped 5 pounds last week. I'm SO close to this milestone that I can taste it! I cannot wait to get there!

What else...oh yea! Signed up for another 5K. Originally, we were going to do the Color Run in August, but then signed up for the Biggest Loser 5K which is 2 weeks after it. So, we did Color Me Rad back in June. However, it was so much fun we decided to go ahead and do this one as well. I am so excited! I'm still not up to par with jogging; I get winded SO fast, but I'm going to keep on pressing forward!

Also, we joined a new gym, and are having a hell of a time cancelling our old gym contract. We've called the gym, and they say "come in to cancel." We go to the gym and they say "oh sorry, no one is here, come back", which is bullshit, because I could see into the director's office and could see her sitting there. Best Fitness - definitely not the best. Also? I haven't been to the gym in over a month now. I've tried calling, texting and emailing my personal trainer, multiple times. I've begged and pleaded for them to perform the duties of their contract - 5 thirty-minute training sessions per week. I've told my trainer I can come in any day, any time. He'll respond with texts at 8:30am like this "I can see you today in an hour"....and then when I say that it doesn't work for me, he'll ignore me for a week. It's now been three weeks since I've heard from him. Nice.

So that's life in a nutshell right now! Busy busy busy!!

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Running is pain...

Yesterday at the 5K, we walked. I would say, 98% of people walked it. It was nice, non-competitive and mostly, fun. As we were nearing mile 2, we passed a mom walking with her son. I'd say he was probably 6 or 7. He was complaining about it being hot (it wasn't, it was a lovely 70 degrees) and he must of mentioned something about being tired. His mom said to him "running is pain. You don't have to like it, you just need to do it. Mommy runs because she doesn't like being chubby."

At first I thought to myself, that's a great message. It really it. Running is pain. You run so you're not chubby. But then the more I thought about it, the more what she said irritated to me.

For me, yea, exercise can be painful. But it's not all of the time. If I'm lifting a new weight, or adding more reps, or working muscles I haven't worked in awhile, it hurts. And I always strength train to failure, so at the end, I'm like yep, done. But I'm not in pain. I'm just exhausted, and completely exerted. I may be sore the next day or two, but I'm not in pain. It's not what I would consider painful.

Yesterday, I didn't wear my running shoes. I knew I didn't want to risk staining them with the color bombs from the 5K, and I also knew there would be some stones and uneven ground to walk on and my running shoes have deep ridges I don't like getting stones and what not into.  Anyhow, I wore my regular gym sneakers (**more on this in a minute), and my feet were killing me. I could totally feel the difference in not having my normal running shoes on. But it wasn't painful.

So why did this lady have to associate pain with running? To me, that gives it such a negative vibe. It shouldn't be painful, in order for you to do it. I mean, if you've got joint problems or other issues, then yes, I can see how it would be painful. But wouldn't you logically pick another form of exercise? And also, trying to motivate my child, I've found that making things fun and positive motivates him. If I told my son "running is painful, we don't want to be chubby" he'd probably laugh in my face. I felt like this lady was fat shaming her son, who wasn't even fat. Maybe I'm just being picky, but it really kind of annoyed me.


Now, back to my shoes! I have a pair of hot pink Nike's that I only bought because they were pink. They are super comfortable though. The soles are not at all flexible. They're a very sturdy, solid shoe. They're lightweight and comfy, but not meant for walking or running. I use these sneakers for strength training days at the gym, and never ever for walking or jogging. I'll wear them on bike rides too. I have another pair of Nike's for walking and running. They are the most flexible, lightweight shoe I've ever owned. I was never one of "those" people who needed different gym shoes for different purposes. I thought people who did that were crazy, but it legit makes a HUGE difference. Maybe the above woman was in pain because of her shoes? I don't know....

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My 5K

So today was the day I have been looking forward to for months now; the Color Me Rad 5K. You may recall that back in October, I attempted my first 5K. I didn't finish it. I couldn't. I wasn't really exercising as much as I am now, and of course, I was only down about 90 pounds at that point, whereas now, I'm down about 160.  I've been trying to build up to 3 mile walks for a while now, so that going into my 5K, I know I'd be able to cover the distance.

Late last week, I threw my back out. I have pretty much been laid up for the past week. I didn't exercise or go to the gym at ALL this week. I went on a mile walk the other day with my son, and I had to stop and sit down twice because my back pain was just insane. I was so worried about today. I wasn't feeling very positive about it.

BUT IT WAS AWESOME! Oh my God, it was the most fun. If you're not familiar with Color Me Rad, it's an untimed fun run/walk. And there were more walkers that runners. We actually walked the entire race. There were people of every size, shape and color...it was truly awesome. You start off wearing white and as you make your way along the path, you get color bombed. First was yellow, then orange. We walked through the blue color bomb station, and I actually thought it was water at first, but it turns out, the blue bomb was liquid color. It came on like blue vomit, and looked disgusting, but lightened up and looked so cool. Then we walked through the pink, then purple stations. At the end, you go tot he finish line, and everyone gets a bag of color. You count down from 10, and everyone releases their bombs. It was a BLAST! I wish my son would of been there, because he would of has such a good time.  Here's some photos from today:

My hubby and I after the color bombing party!

Me, pre-race. If ever there was a photo to perfectly capture my personality, this would be it!

Pre 5K

Me, on the ride home.

I cannot WAIT to do this race again next year, hopefully with more people in tow. For real, this one would be a "more the merrier" type of event. If Color Me Rad comes to your city, DO IT!!!

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Walking...and my bad back

Nearly 160 pounds ago, walking was hard. Before I was married to my ex-husband, I was working on losing weight and getting into shape. I moved in with him and my diet and exercise went to hell. And thus began my decade long weight gain, going from around 200 pounds, up to 317 when I had my baby, down to 250 after doing Weight Watchers, and then constantly fluctuating, up...down...up...down...up up up to the dreaded weight I was pre-op.  As I gained weight, my back pain became worse. It got to the point where I was throwing my back out all of the time, and I was afraid to lift anything because I didn't want to trigger spasms associated with my back pain. I'd walk around the store and my back would go numb from all the excess weight my body was carrying. It was so bad towards my surgery that even walking around the grocery store was a chore, and I'd do anything to avoid it.

Now, I walk as much as humanly possible. I love exercising, and love sweating, and love when my muscles are sore. It tells me that my body is working like it should be. Anyhow, last week, after my session with the new trainer, I was feeling really stiff and threw my back out. Normally, I'd be down and out for a few days, but I'm going on a week now, still in pain, and that ain't cool. I haven't been able to do my walking, which I was doing twice a day. I haven't gone to the gym, and I ridden my bike and I haven't swam. And I've had so much to do - we're moving in 1 week. ONE WEEK! I've got a house to pack, shit to toss, things to do and places to go. But I'm in pain. Oh, and did I mention my 5K Saturday?

Today before I got my son from school, I put on my gym clothes and decided today's the day - I'm going back out to my nature trail to walk. And I did. Except I was only able to do a mile. It took a little over 20 minutes, which is still on pace for myself - It usually takes me 50-55 minutes to do a 5K. We had to stop twice so I could sit down, which we never do. I feel like my entire spine is out of alignment, which sucks. I don't know WHY I'm still hurting, but it's so annoying :(

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Back Pain, Personal Training and a 5K

It has been a very long, hectic, crazy week.

First things first. I'm moving. In less than 2 weeks. It's sudden, we don't have but about 20 boxes packed so far, and I've got just a few days to try to find movers. To say I'm stressed out would be the fucking understatement of the year.  To make matters worse, I threw out my back last week, and I'm still hurting. Normally, I don't hurt for this long, so I don't know what I did, but it hurts.

I'm stressed out about my back, because for 1, I am trying to pack up a house. It's tough to move around, lift, bend and pack with back pain. For 2, I have a 5K on Saturday. I've been looking forward to this race for so long now. And I've been walking/jogging my ass off, trying to prepare. But, this past week, I haven't been able to do much of anything, other than use my TENS unit and sit on ice. I'm miserable.

And, I haven't been back to the gym. Here is how my scenario with the new trainer panned out. I was scheduled for my second session with him Thursday. I threw my back out that morning. Now, with my old trainer, I felt completely comfortable with her, and the last time I threw my back out I went to the gym. She worked with me to stretch me out, and massaged me with a rumble roller and a day or two later, I was completely better. I'm not comfortable with my new trainer yet, so I asked him to reschedule. Friday AM around 8, he texts me to tell me he can fit me in, in an hour. Seriously? I'm sorry, I cannot just leave work whenever I feel like, at an hours notice, to work out at the gym. So I replied that that wouldn't work, and did he have any time for me this week? Never heard a single thing back. And since we're not gelling together anyway, I'm not going to bother trying to chase his ass down just so we can half-assed work out.

I feel so fat and lazy, not having worked out much this past week. You have no idea. I feel like my old 368 pound self, and it's a disgusting feeling. My size 18 capris are falling off of me, but yet I still feel disgusting. I hate this feeling.

I don't mean to moan and bitch, but it's been a miserable week. All I wanna do is work with my old trainer, have her kick my ass, and go for a 3 mile walk. Is this too much to ask?

I am sad about how things worked out - or actually didn't work out, with this trainer. I want a trainer to care about me. One to push me. One to encourage me. One to cheer me on. Dan is not that for me. Theresa was that for me. Ugh, I'm still so bummed!!!!!

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