It's going....

Lately, I've been feeling pretty meh about my weight loss.  I've lost and re-gained the same 5 pounds over...and over...and over again.  This happens ALL.OF.THE.DAMN.TIME. It's so frustrating and it just makes me want to SCREAM!  But, instead, I kick it a little harder at the gym, and eat a little bit more or less, depending on my exercise, and it works itself out.

As of this AM, I've lost 125.8 pounds.  I'm happy with that.  To get to goal, I've got like another 80 to go.  Which means I'm well over halfway there.  But it still seems to far away.  I'd LOVE to be under 200 when I hit my 1 year surgiversary, but who knows.

Here is how my measurements compare from May 3rd, which was 2 weeks pre-op, to now.


I have lost the following inches:
3.5" in my neck
1" off of each wrist
2.75" off of each forearm
2.75" off of each elbow
4" off of each bicep
12.5" off of my waist
10.5" off of my hips
10.75" off of my chest (around the band of my bra)
10.25" off of the fullest part of my chest
7.25" off of each thigh
4.5" off of each calf
2.5" off of each ankle

This amounts to an ass load of inches.  97 inches overall.  That is over 8 feet.  Now look at that photo and tell me if you can tell I've lost 8 feet.  Nope, me neither.  God dammit that sucks balls so hard!!!

Read more »

WTF.Ever

So today, I am just annoyed and bitchy.

I'm so sick of all these people on the Facebook VSG groups and weight loss boards who are all "oh my god, I just cheated on my pre-op diet....this is so hard."  And then the comments "oh girl, it's ok, if you cheat just cheat small".  Or "surgery is two weeks away, don't stress out about it."  

How about this?  Don't cheat.  It's hard.  That's why you're having surgery.  Because you suck at following diets.  Don't cheat.  Why?  Because if your surgeon opens you up and your liver isn't shrunk, guess what happens?  Is it totally wrong of me to just wish one of these women would get open and not have their sleeve done?  Because I think that would be hilarious.  Told you I'm a bitch today.

Also.  Today I saw my father and step-mother for the first time in well over a year.  Since that time, I have lost over 120 pounds.  Neither one of them noticed.  Actually, my dad was shocked when I mentioned that I swim 3 days a week and hit the gym the other 3 days.  And still.  So now, I've come to the conclusion that those fat thoughts in my head are real.  You really CAN'T tell I've lost weight.  My husband thinks I'm full of crap.  But the truth is, the only people who notice are those who know I've had surgery.  So of course they're being polite.  Ugh it just sucks that even after losing 120 pounds, you cannot tell.  At all.  This leaves me super discouraged.

Read more »

Bite this

So this happened today.  Delicious, moist chocolate cupcake, rich buttercream frosting. And ugh what a tummy ache.

Today we had my son's 11th birthday party.  I figured well, instead of ordering a gigantic cake, I'll just get some cupcakes.  I ate most of this bad boy earlier today.  370 calories. That's a fuck ton of time I'll need to spend on the treadmill burning it off.  I'm afraid to weigh myself tomorrow morning, because I know what's going to happen.

Worse than eating this came the disgusted feeling of guilt.  Like, it's ridiculous how guilty I feel over a fucking cupcake.  It's one cupcake.  And I feel horrible that I allowed myself to eat it.  I rarely if ever eat sweets anymore.  The old me would of eaten 6 cupcakes by now, easy peasy.  But I just feel awwwwwful for eating this.  Lesson learned!!

Read more »

Lightweights

I belong to several support groups on Facebook, for folks who've had weight loss surgery, and other various support groups online.  There's a term floating around out there for those who weigh less, but have still had weight loss surgery; lightweights.  I know one girl who was a size 16 and had bariatric surgery.  She weight 184 lbs.  Are you fucking kidding me?  She was a SIZE 16, AND 184 POUNDS?  And she needed weight loss surgery?  

I have a major problem with this.  I really do, and I don't mean to sound bitter, but I call bullshit.  I've heard so many lightweights say "I know the same struggles as anyone else." No.  No you do not.  You do not know the struggle of carrying 200 extra pounds on your body.  You do not have the same issues buying clothes.  You don't have the same struggle of moving around, or fitting in tight spaces.  You know NOTHING about the struggle of being someone who is classified as "morbidly obese."  I know I sound like such a bitch, but to hear those lightweights complain, I just want to smack them.  Shut up.  You're under 200 pounds.  Do you know how close you are to your goal?  Seriously?  It just frustrates me and certain people have pushed my bitch button today.

Read more »

The Dr.

I have ALWAYS hated going to the doctor.  Always.  Every time I'd go to the doctor, it'd be the same exact thing.  You're too fat.  What will you do to lose this weight?  It got to the point where I'd not go for anything.  I could be lying on the floor bleeding and I'd avoid the doctor.

Right after I gave birth to my son I had to go to the ER, because I was having trouble breathing.  I remember the nurse weighed me (in front of my ex-husband) and her scale only went up to 300 pounds.  So she loudly said "honey just how much do you weigh?  My scale won't go any higher."  So yea, that sucked.

I'd go to the doctor for an illness or some reason, and instead of treating me or my problem, they'd discuss my weight.  Like really?  I went to my GYN for a yeast infection and she asked me about my weight.  Listen heifer, give me some fucking cream for my vagina and lay off.  Really.

Sorry, I'm bitter.

Oh!  But not as bitter as the time I saw an ENT for reoccurring strep throat.  The Dr. looked at my tonsils, then at me, and said "wow, you're really porked out, aren't you?"  I didn't even know what to say to that, I was in such shock.

But, it's not so bad, going anymore.  When I went for a check up this morning with my PCP instead of my weight being a negative topic of conversation, it was very positive.  He was super excited by my progress.  Thrilled.  My blood pressure?  It's normal.  My cholesterol is going down.  My fasting blood sugar was awesome.  I've never gone and had everything be on point.  I've never had a doctor smile when he looked at my weight.  So it felt good.  REALLY really good!

I'm a happy girl today :)

Read more »

Why I Hate Resolutions...and Why I Made Some

It's almost the end of yet another year.  What they say is true; the older you get, the faster they fly by.  And 2013 really did.  At this time last year, I was patiently waiting for my health insurance to kick in so I could finally make my appointment with my bariatric surgeon.  It's hard to believe this journey of mine has been a whole year.  A year ago, I was almost 370 pounds, miserable, and just afraid I would keel over and die of a freakin heart attack.  I used to make deals with God.  I used to pray that when He did decided to take me, He wouldn't take me that way.  Any way but that.  Just the thought of going that way, being as heavy as I was, was just too humiliating.

Anyhow, a year ago at this time, I was just wishing and hoping that I'd get this last chance and saving my life.  Because dieting wasn't working.  The gym didn't motivate me.  And I was losing an uphill battle.

Now?  I'm down 117 pounds, very active, and loving life.  I'm not who I was last year.  I feel like I've been completely transformed, both physically and mentally.

So back to New Years.  I HATE people who make resolutions.  9 times out of 10 people are all "I'm going to lose weight this year...", "I'm going to exercise more..."  Blah blah blah fucking blah.  You know what?  No.  Just no.  No you won't.  You'll diet for the first week then realize what really goes into a lifetime transformation and get tired of it.  And those gym goers?  They're going to be hogging the mirrors in the locker room and all the good gym equipment will be taken.  Until February, when all those people stop coming to the gym.

It just annoys me.  I'm a weirdo.  I know.  But people who wait until New Years to decide to fix themselves....just drive me crazy.  You should start taking care of yourself the very SECOND you decide to change.  No waiting, no hesitating.  We get one go-round on this planet of ours.  One life.  One body.  That's it.  Take care of it man.  And don't wait until a frikkin new year to start.

Now, I know I sound hypocritical.  And I accept that.  Because that's what I always did. Waited for a new week.  A new month.  Waited for a birthday to pass by.  Waited because I knew that on such and such date, we'd be celebrating something and you sure as heck can't start a lifestyle change then...

So why did I make resolutions for myself this year?  I mean, if you prefer, we can call them challenges.  I made them because I know I can achieve them.  I know I can.  

The other day at the gym, my trainer asked me to jump up on these blocks.  I was like um yea, ok.  Not happening.  But, she knew I could do it.  And after a bit, I did.  She knows I need that mental push.  And I do.  Then, Saturday, we were working on the TRX and she hooked me up so one leg was in the stirrup things, and had me try to hop one-legged onto the bosu ball.  I couldn't do it.  I tried.  Twice.  And just couldn't overcome that.  But I know in time I'll be able to.  Because she believes in me, so I have to believe in me too.

Read more »

Merry Christmas!

I've been such a bloggy slacker.  But, I work for a Christmas company, and this year has been nucking futs with work.  I've been working 80 hour weeks all December.  I've totally slacked off on my diet and exercise routine (I've been between 254-256 lbs all month long).  I just haven't had time for myself.  I'd blame my employer, but I make my own hours.  This year, I worked my ass off so we could have one hell of a Christmas, and we are.  The amount of $$ I have spent on my son is insane.  The amount of $$ I spent on my husband is even more insane.  And he also spoiled me rotten.  I know this because me and my husband suck as waiting until Christmas to exchange gifts.  He gave me two new tee's, a Hello Kitty scarf, two new hoodies, several new ornaments, even more new Hello Kitty's, my iPad air, my new Keurig, books, DVD's...I mean I could go on and on, but I'll just stop there.  We spoil each other.  

This year is so much better than last year.  I actually had the energy TO work this many hours.  I'm excited about tomorrow morning, but I'm also happy that it's almost over. Now, I can get back to myself.  I have a goal of losing 5 pounds before 12/31 is over.  Nuts right? But if I do, I'll be at 120 lost.  And what a kick ass way to end 2013, by losing 120 pounds!

Lots of new goals for 2014, but that's a different post for a different day.

Read more »