A bad diet and other things....

Back in 2012 I joined a gym.  I thought ok, this is it, I'm going to change my life.  I'm a fat lazy ass who sits on the couch and does nothing and maybe, just maybe if I get my fat lazy ass into the gym, I won't be so fat or so lazy.  My husband joined with me.  He is neither fat, nor lazy.  Before we went to tour the gym, I panicked and had a massive anxiety attack.  I mean, I hadn't been to the gym since high school...and I am 37 now.  So yea.  Anyhow...so we joined and I had my first session with my personal trainer.  This involved going to the gym, BY MYSELF.  First experience?  Terrible.  My trainer put me on the treadmill and told me he'd come back in 20 minutes for me.  I walked 20 minutes.  No sign of my trainer.  I walked 30 minutes.  No sign of my trainer.  I walked 40 minutes.  Yep - no sign of my trainer.  I had to hit the emergency stop button on my machine,  because I had NO idea how to work a treadmill.  I went to the front counter to try to find my trainer, but he left.  Yep, left the gym.  That was nice.  So then this other trainer, a big muscle-y guy came up to me.  He was going to put me through the paces.  He got me doing squats and lunges on the TRX machine, then some exercise where I picked up and threw a medicine ball across the gym and back.  I felt like I was going to die.  I was shaking and sweating and seeing spots.  I knew in that instance, I was about to pass out.  He tried to get me to do more and I refused.  I wasn't going to pass out on the gym floor in front of all those people.  

After that, I tried to avoid my trainer, because I knew he was going to push me beyond what I was comfortable doing.  And I don't mean in the exercise department.  I had a few more sessions and I always did what he asked me to do.  And I liked it, he's a great motivator.  But I never felt comfortable in that gym.  I always felt like this moose walking in, with a big flashing light over my head so everyone would notice me.  I've gotten the looks at the gym before.  I've gotten the fat girl stare.  I've gotten the chick in spandex next to me on the elliptical telling me how I should be doing it.  Fuck all that.  

Anyhow, I figured that no matter what anyone said, I COULD out exercise a bad diet but guess what?  You can't.  And guess what?  I haven't been to the gym in months.  I don't feel comfortable there.  Even when I go with my husband I feel the stares.  I cannot move my body and sweat and get my body to do what I want it to do when everyone is staring at me.  

I always start these posts with the best of intentions.  To say something profound that'll motivate someone, when in reality, I need to motivate myself.  I just wound up reminding myself that I failed, yet again.