My Story

This is my story.  And it's long.  Go ahead, go grab a glass of wine, I'll be here when you get back.......

We good?  Good.  My name is Courtney (*not my real name).  I'm 36 years old and I live in Buffalo, NY.  I've got an adorable husband (who is ridden with PTSD from the military and is also bi-polar), and an adorable, yet spoiled, son.  For the most part, we're a really happy family.  I could do without the drama from my ex-husband, and my husband's ex-wife, but all in all, we have a very happy life.  

Let's flip this book backwards a few chapters so you can really "know" me.  I'm fat.  Have been all my life.  Let's get real here, I'm obese.  But I hate that word.  It's just a disgusting sounding word that I don't like.  And I guess maybe if I pretend the word doesn't exist, I can pretend in my mind that I'm not as big as I really am.  I'm not one of those girls that other girls love to hate.  I'm not a size 14 calling myself fat.  No, I'm a size 28.  Yes, 28.  I know it's disgusting.  I feel it every day of my life.  

I've been big since as long as I can remember.  I wasn't an obese child per se.  My very first memory of being overweight was in first grade.  My and this other kid in my class, we were both on the chunky side.  I remember us both sitting on the teacher's lap and she said "my, I've got these two heavy watermelons on my lap".  That's my first memory of something being wrong.  The next memory doesn't come until 4th grade.  I remember this boy, his name was Josh B.  We were standing in the lunch line and he called me a "tubba-lard" and commented on my double chin.  And every since then, that word has been tattooed in my brain.  I hear it every single day and I see that boy's face every time I look in the mirror, this many years later!

Of course, I've got other nicknames that come to mind - all names I was given throughout elementary, middle and high school.  Wanna hear them?  Whale. Fat ass. Mrs. Moo.  Fat fuck.  Slob.  Pig.  Fat piece of shit.  Fat bitch.  Fatty. You get the picture?  So if growing up, and being overweight wasn't bad enough, I had these words thrown in my face every single day.  And not just by bullies at school.  By an abusive ex-boyfriend.  From an abusive ex-husband.  From another abusive ex-boyfriend.  From people who I thought were my friends.  From people who were supposed to care about me.

Let me fast forward, because this book gets really long and boring.  Right after college, I starved myself for a good 6 months, walked 3 miles a day and quit smoking.  I dropped my weight down to around 200 pounds and I was a size 20.  That's the smallest I had been since 7th grade.  And to me, that was small (compared to what I am now).  I met my now ex-husband and gained all my weight back fairly quickly.  It was a sickening diet of home-made french fries, late night chicken wing and burritos and pizzas, Chinese buffets, beer, beer and more beer.  It's no wonder I gained it all back.  

I'm sure the obvious question is "have you dieted?"  Weight watchers more times than I can count.  Slim Fast.  Starvation.  South Beach.  Atkins.  Calorie Counting.  My most successful stint with Weight Watchers was after I had my child.  My weight crept up to 315 and I decided I needed to do something about it.  6 months later, I was down 45 pounds.  Then, I just fell into old eating habits when my ex-husband had knee surgery and couldn't help around the house and couldn't attend Weight Watchers meetings with me anymore.  I should also mention, my ex-husband has gastric bypass surgery after we divorced.  He's thin, but he's aged about ten years and doesn't look healthy.  So yea, I have dieted, lost and regained this weight more times that I can tell you.

My life did a complete 180 in 2005.  I got pregnant with my second child, despite having marital problems.  Who am I kidding though - my ex and I had problems since before we said "I do."  I was about to ask for a divorce when I got pregnant the second time.  I also miscarried several weeks later.  Shortly after that, we split for good.  I dove head first into a new relationship with a man who emotionally, verbally and physically abused me so badly, I lost all faith in men, lost all trust in men, and lost all hope.  I dated a few other guys and in 2006, met my now husband online.  Long story short, we met online and lived 1200 miles apart.  We met in person January 2007, got engaged February 2007, and in June 2007 he moved here with me and we were married.  He's a terrific man, and a loving father.  I don't let him in as much as I should, because I am so terrified of things ending badly, based on my last relationship.  He doesn't even know I'm considering what I'm considering.

Back to my weight.  Since marrying my husband, I've put weight on.  We joined a gym and for the first few months I worked out regularly with a personal trainer.  Then the summer months came and our schedules changed.  I am not comfortable attending the gym without my husband because I feel like the 800 pound elephant in the room.  So, we stopped going.  I haven't been to the gym on a regular basis since summer.  And I miss it.  My weight is out of control, my eating is out of control, my dieting is out of control, and I feel like in general, my life is out of control.  I need to change now, because dammit I have a lot of living left to do and I'm not ready to give up now.

I have been considering weight loss surgery for quite some time.  I do not feel like it's an easy way out at all because of all that is involved.  I need to break up with food; it's like an abusive boyfriend.  It romances me, it wines and dines me, but in the end, it's bad for me.  It's like my drug of choice, and it needs to end.  A few years ago, I made an appointment with a bariatric surgeon and even went as far as having the psych evaluation done.  Then, I chickened out.  I've been doing more and more research here lately and I even went so far as to make an appointment today with a different surgeon.  And I still haven't told my husband.  I don't know what I'm afraid of.  He's always been very supportive of me and my weight loss efforts.  I just hate discussing my weight.  It makes me feel like a failure and I am embarrassed.

So in a very large nutshell, that's my story and that's where I'm at right now.